Girls
by Jimmy T on December 3, 2013

“I'll give you my own gravy.” 

“Nice yams.” 

“You ever heard of Black Dick Friday?”

I would have screenshotted more but I think you get the gist. On to some of the top “regular” comments of the week…

And here I thought the Instagram comment section was some lawless free-for-all devoid of any code of conduct whatsoever. Turns out there are rules to this shit. Plus, you know how difficult (pathetic) it is to actually get “First” on a pic that gets like 1,000 likes and comments a minute?

If this guy is actually gay, and looking at that ponytail he very well might be, this is about 100 times funnier than if a straight dude said it. 

How's the saying go? If you take something away from someone, they'll just want to do it more? That's the vibe I get from the dudes commenting in Argo language on every hot chick's pictures—they just seem like the horniest culture in all of Instagram because women in their countries can't even show their noses, let alone take suggestive bathroom selfies with their boobs hanging out. Instagram is to them what Pornhub is to us. I'm not quite sure what “squiggly line, upside down squiggly line, straight line with a dot over it” translates to, but I'm guessing it's something like, “dem titties.”

Picked this comment just so I can point out how criminally underrated Not Another Teen Movie is. That and I had to fill my Jen Selter quota for the week. Well done amnestythis.

Dear God. I'm grateful that you granted almost everybody on Earth the ability to procreate, making it possible for things like the Instagram comment section to exist. The commenters provide me with more material than I could ever come up with on my own. Also, I've got the Houston Rockets at 18/1 to win the NBA title, so if you could take care of that for me that'd be great. Amen n****! (Sorry, I'm not Richie Incognito white, just regular white)

True story: A longtime friend of mine once told me that he'd rather have a threesome with a guy and a girl as opposed to two girls. His reasoning? “Dude, it's like hanging out with your buddy… while fucking.” Apparently he's not alone?

Not “funny” funny but definitely “if Jessica Burciaga ever goes missing for 72 hours, we know the first place to look” funny. In fact, it's people like this that you don't make fun of on the Internet or you'll go missing for infinity hours. Guess someone else might have to do these next week.

Maybe the most honest comment I saw all week. Hey Erin, we don't like you because you like sports and we sure as shit don't like you because of that laxative product you endorse. We like you because you looked amazing playing with your perfect body through a grainy peephole.

OK, asinine “Would you rather?” time. Would you rather have a normal human-looking dick and lead the pedestrian sex life you have now, or have an exact replica of that alligator as your dick and get head from Ashley Sky once a month until you die? On the one hand, you're guaranteed play from one of the hottest women in the world at least 12 times a year, it looks like it'd be really fun to pee, and you'd probably have your own hit show on TLC called Crocodile Cock. On the other hand, 99.99999% of the female population would be terrified to go near your dick (pretty much the same as now, amirite?). It's a tough call, but I think I take my chances with my regular human penis rather than getting with a hypothetically deranged Ashley Sky and hoping to find the Alligator Dick Fetish Group on Facebook.

Another fanamanal week in the books folks. See you next week assuming showtime_x isn't wearing my skin for a Snuggie.

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