Girls
by Claire Voyant on April 21, 2014

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Welcome to 2014. Ombre is no longer in style (unless you’re Jared Leto), peace sign kissy face is out, and selfies have taken over the world. It is important to remember, that even with the constant rotations of hots and nots – there are a few fool proof ways to tell if a girl is a “10″ at all times.

1. She wears Bronzer.

Never underestimate the power of a fabulous glow. I’m not talking about your face looking like dirt with caked on NYC bronzer you bought at ‘The Dollar Store’. No. I’m talking shimmery, beautiful, and fabulously flawless bronzer. The goal here is to look like an olive-skinned angel sneezed blew kisses of a shimmery goodness all over your face. You want to look like to just walked off the beaches of Greece. Literally, all you need in your life is bronzer. I can’t even remember the last time I didn’t walk in the bathroom and dust a little heaven on my cheekbones.

2. She has well-manicured nails.

Black nail polish is out. I’m serious. It’s out. There is nothing more unattractive and disgusting than CHIPPED BLACK NAIL POLISH. I can’t even. Seriously. I see a girl with chipped black nail polish and I immediately lose all respect for her. Do not fall into this lazy habit of letting your nail polish go. Guess what else?!? The “party nail” trend is also out. This means do not paint your ring finger in sparkles or add any bedazzles – the trend is dead and immature.

Immature and disgusting nails include but are not limited to:

Dagger nails

Nail jewelry

Dirty nails

Chipped nail polish (any color, really)

Terrible cuticles

Neon nail polish

Super squared nails

Long nails

Curled nails

3. She’s not pretending to be dumb.

If you actually are dumb, educate yourself. The age of the pussy ‘Damsel in Distress’ is long gone. Women are running billion dollar companies. Women are Engineers. Women are starring in huge comedic roles. Who run the world? Beyonce. Is Beyonce dumb? No. Does she pretend to be dumb? No. And you shouldn’t either. Guys like girls that are witty. Guys like girls that are funny. Actually wait, who cares what guys like? Do it for yourself. If you’re funny, flaunt it. If you’re smart, cure some diseases. Do it for you. Do it for your own self worth and never let anyone else ever tell you that you aren’t smart or funny. Women are funny, dammit.

4. She’s not being dumpy.

What is dumpy? Wearing sweatpants and a hoodie everywhere you go is DUMPY. Putting your hair in a greasy bun everyday is DUMPY. Dress like you are a business chic unicorn every single day. No one will take you seriously if you keep wearing your older brothers high school track sweatshirt from 2004. There are exceptions to every rule, however. Like, if you’re on your period and can’t get off your couch and are drowning your emotions in ice cream… wellthen you can wear a sweatsuit and be a dumpy grease-ball. But don’t you dare take a step out of your house looking like that. And girls – if you have a dumpy friend it is your responsibility to pull her aside for an intervention. Friends don’t let friends be dumpy.

5. She spends her money on quality.

This means she stopped shopping at Forever21 and Wet Seal in high school.

Reasons to stop shopping at these places include:

You are not 21.

You have a real job.

If you go out to a bar 50 other girls will be wearing the same tacky fringe shirt as you.

Wearing graphic t’s with pictures of Marilyn Monroe are overdone and not original.

Walking into these stores will give you so much anxiety due to the overcrowded and unorganized structure that it’s not even worth it.

IT IS CHEAP!

Now, I’m not saying that you have to spend all of your paycheck at Louis Vuitton. I’m saying you need to walk into TJ Maxx or Marshalls (not the teen section) and take your time finding some quality staple items for your closet.

6. She knows her drink.

Being a lush is as annoying as it is unattractive. Not only does drinking cheap liquor (this includes the $3 cherry bombs you get for free on a Saturday night) give you a terrible headache, it also shows immaturity. Redirect your pallet to accept fine wines, scotch, and tequila. Transitioning from a ‘fruit loop’ flavored vodka to a strong scotch isn’t going to be easy. It will take some time. But it will be so worth it. Remember: Hangover intensity is a direct reflection of the quality of alcohol consumed.

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