Whatshername is probably still asleep and this Femme Cave exploration can be brief. But these walls really do talk, so forget your morning wood for a minute and start looking around: The innermost truths of a lady reside in her lair. Follow these guidelines and you will soon discover whether you should come back for more or cut your losses before you're in too deep.
First things first: look down. No, not there, but at the sheets. Are they all white, with perhaps a subtle monogram? Still neatly tucked under the corners? If so, she's what I recently heard referred to as “just the right amount of boring.” Last night's lay was probably less than memorable (the sheets are still even tucked in), and not just because you drank half a case of beers. But at least she wasn't a total flooze, so chalk that up as a victory.
Perhaps this girl has a bit more personality with some colorful throw pillows, maybe a patterned bedspread. This is a good thing; personality in sheets means personality in the sheets. That's not true, however, if the pattern matches her sorority colors or is Lily Pulitzer — that's a step too far. Though you'll have to wrack your brain back to eight hours earlier when you first stumbled into her place, you probably don't need to be told what pre-sex dirty and disheveled sheets mean: You're not her first overnight guest this month, or even this week. Take a breath. This is why you wore a condom.
Now scan the walls. What do you see? Audrey Hepburn means she likes to (pretend to) keep her pants on, while Marilyn Monroe suggests she's more in tune with her sexuality (read: likes to take her pants off). If you spot the usual suspects of movie posters — “Breakfast at Tiffany's,” “The Graduate,” or “Gone with the Wind” — no doubt she “totally loves and relates to” these, though she's probably never actually seen them. In dorm rooms, “family trees,” composites, sorority letters, and all other miscellaneous srat decor is allowed; post-college, it's entirely unacceptable — move on, already.
Similarly, monograms, self-empowering quotes, or any words in the family of live, laugh, love, peace, hope, or happiness should be taken as a serious indicator that this chick is tedious and dull. If, in addition to the aforementioned wall décor, you observe decorated frames capturing her 15 besties doing srat squats at Mardi Gras, wine cheers at dinner tables, and the skinny arm at funerals — that's the thing girls do in pictures where they try to make their arm look skinnier than every other girl in the photo — you should Get. The. F*ck. Out.
But maybe she's different. Unique decorations like vintage postcards and records, interesting art and photographs, or keepsakes from world travel? All signs that she's pretty cool. Add tapestries, candles, incense, and lighters: She's a stoner. And probably still pretty cool.
Next, check out her countertops, desks, or dressers. Chances are she's got some empty bottles, either of $9 white wine or Skinny Girl Margaritas. While the former makes her feel classy, the latter makes her feel thin. It also provides a low-calorie, guilt-free way to experience a placebo blackout and have an excuse for waking up next to you. Empty bottles of any type of liquor below top shelf are a blatant signifier that she's trashy and dependant; but you're probably into that.
As you continue to scan her belongs, use the amount of visible makeup, products, and tools as a gauge for how shallow and/or insecure she is. Every girl on the planet is obsessed with making her teeth whiter and her skin tanner and softer respectively, so related products in moderation can be ignored.
Many girls like a Xanax once in a while too, and god knows they love some Adderall, so a few rogue prescriptions are acceptable. If, however, her counter looks like the backroom at Walgreens, you may have been roofied last night. (Sidenote: That actually happened to one of my best friends at the hands of his crazy girlfriend, known by most as “The Pharmacy”).
In my personal professional female opinion two to three makeup bags, one or two styling tools, and a couple hair serums constitute pretty much the countertop limit for any sane and interesting girl. Beyond this, conversation is going to consist solely of spin class, leafy greens, and “Real Housewives.”
And while we're on the topic of mind-numbing entertainment, make sure to have a look at both her DVD collection and non-textbook library. The same girl pushing six makeup bags is sure to have some variation of “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days,” “Pretty Woman,” and “The Holiday.” (“Love Actually” and “The Notebook” are acceptable.) And don't forget the captivating full DVD collections of “Sex and The City,” “Friends”, and “The Kardashians.” Her “library” is most likely to be comprised of US Weekly, People, Cosmopolitan, and perhaps a “Twilight” collection installment for when book club rolls around.
On the other hand, if a girl boasts some decent literature on her bookshelf — maybe some Thompson, Wolfe, or Vonnegut — she probably has a DVD collection to match it, giving you something to talk about beyond how fat Kim looks in her most recent sex t*pe.
Aside from the aforementioned, there are a few miscellaneous triggers, such as tiaras, small dogs, the color pink in excess, and visible condom supplies, that should make it very obvious that you are in dangerous (and dirty) territory, though if these weren't obvious to you before now it seems my efforts are in vain.
If you've made it to this point in my analysis of female complexities, you should feel better equipped to sift through the complexities of womankind and wade in the waters of the dating shark tank. Don't forget to bring your floaties and your excavation helmet: You're gonna need both.