Last week I bestowed upon you guys the valuable knowledge of what a girl's dorm room or apartment really says about her. Congrats: You got laid, read her bedroom tarot cards, and decided she’s worth hanging out with a second time. Well guess what? The tables have turned, and this time she’s coming over to your disaster of a bachelor pad.
Living in a frat house or "with a bunch of dudes" in a two-bedroom converted into a four-bedroom is no excuse for living like a paraplegic hoarder. Your bedroom and general living space should not require medical masks and rubber gloves to sift through. She may tolerate your slovenly behavior for one night in frat paradise, but she's not coming back for sloppy seconds. Well, unless her first few booty calls fall through. But nobody wants to be the fifth person invited to “smoke and chill” at 3:30 a.m.
Better. Get. cleaning.
Take a Whiff... Then Do Something About It
First of all, I can say with confidence and without so much as stepping foot into your respective pads that your bedroom smells, and not like lavender. I’m picking up aromas of old sneakers, stale beer, and body odor. And is that… dirty sheets I smell?
Dudes always claim they don’t know how to do laundry. It’s an easy way for them to appear innocent and vulnerable to girls while putting in literally no effort. But honestly, dudes, a washing machine is one of the most basic appliances at your disposal. And while you’re rewiring your surround sound, setting up Apple TV, and linking it all to your iPhone, you could be pressing the "warm cycle" button on your three-month old sheets. You know what… let's make it hot.
I don't necessarily blame guys for this behavior, because moms love babying their sons. Have you ever noticed that the term "momma's girl" doesn't really exist? There's a reason for that. My mother hasn't done my laundry since I was in middle school, and I haven't exactly lived the hard life. Meanwhile, I have guy friends who are 25 years old and still take their laundry home so their aging mothers can wash, dry, fold, and put away their T-shirts and underwear. I pay an Asian man on my block $50 a month for those services. But back to my point: grow the f*ck up and clean your sh*t up. Mom isn't visiting for another two months, and stepping out of your bed onto landmines of dirty boxers, condom wrappers, undershirts, and socks doesn’t really set the scene for morning sex. If you have to leave sh*t lying around, please don't let it be forgotten undergarments from a previous lady visitor. Just because we all wear the same underwear (yes, that lace thong) doesn’t mean we’ll think both pairs on the floor are ours. We only slept over one night.
Get Rid of the Evidence
And speaking of morning wood gone to waste, keep your magazines, videos, web browsing history, and posters to a minimum. Yes, us girls know that dudes love Kate Upton, t*ts, p*rn, and Kate Upton's tits, but you don't have to have glaring evidence of it all over your pad. Some girls won't mind, but there's a good chance you'll lose scoring opportunities altogether with others. Don't sacrifice a chance to touch a real woman for fantasizing about one you'll never even meet.
Couch Surfer Be Gone
Aside from a clean bedroom, your communal living space should make a girl feel comfortable as well. Inevitably you have "that friend" who either crashes on your couch a couple nights a week or has made himself an indefinite resident of your living room. He's a nice guy and may take phone messages once in a while (Kenny Called. He's in Jail. Sincerely, the guy on the couch) but it's pretty awkward to start getting friendly while said guy is sitting next to you watching TV. Not an ideal threesome. If you know you're bringing a girl back, give freeloader Joe directions to the nearest dive bar and show him the door. He never pays for weed anyways.
Easy There, Sasquatch
I’d like to wrap things up with a gross and very crucial change you dudes need to make if you want the ladies coming back for more. By seeking the counsel of my female friends, I’ve found that they’re overwhelmingly unanimous on their number one turn off: hair.
It's great that you trim your beard, and a little manscaping is definitely encouraged. But for the love of God, clean the film of caveman residue out of your sink and toilet after the fact. Why would you want to wash your face in your own p*bes anyways?
Keeping that bathroom stocked with toilet paper is essential, and mouthwash and hand soap can't hurt either. A clean shower with soap and conditioner may persuade a naked chick to get down with a rinse down. And remember that thing I mentioned earlier about doing your laundry? Don't forget your moldy towels.
The cleaner you appear, the dirtier she'll want to get. Write that down. Write all of this down.
Don't assume that this article is solely for my own ranting entertainment; it's also partially to help your recently lagging sex life. Investing in a few basic cleaning supplies could mean a significant boost to your sexual longevity.
Thank me later, ya filthy animals. I prefer sour diesel.