A couple weeks ago, the kid I was hooking up went with all his fraternity brothers and little pledges to Philly for the day and they clearly had to stop at Condom Kingdom. For those not familiar with Condom Kingdom it’s a sex store in Philly that sells all different types of sex accessories, lube, toys, and, oh yeah, condoms. “Kevin” texted me saying he was there and I told him I wanted to try some new lubes. We hung out later that weekend and he probably had 20 different samples. We decided to try a flavored one to spice up the oral. And that's when things went really wrong.
Now I am not one of these girls that thinks going down on boys is gross and won’t ever do it. I think it's fun and a good part of a satisfying sex life. So Kevin hands me a packet telling me it's fruit punch. So, whatever, I put it on and it tastes pretty good. It’s different.
After that’s done, we start hooking up again. And I start to feel really… weird. My eyes start watering, my face gets itchy, and my throat starts really itching. I tell Kevin how I am feeling and he looks at me and says my lips have become seriously “DSL’s” and twice their normal size. I start freaking out.
Now's probably a good time to mention that I am extremely allergic to cherry flavoring. I can handle a real cherry but cherry flavoring does not do well with my throat, eyes, or skin. I cannot handle cherry lollipops or cherry medicine. Even cherry lip balm swells my lips. I always keep Benadryl on me and there is usually an epi-pen in my car. I check the packet that Kevin swore he thought was fruit punch. Yeah, it was cherry punch. No, I am not mad at Kevin because we don’t really talk about things like allergies and other personal things. However, when I'm having sex, I liked to be properly informed of I'm ingesting.
Back to the story. I start freaking out and obviously call my Mom. I clearly do not tell my Mom the real reason, I just say I had some cherry drink at a party and was starting to feel sick. She said it was probably too late for Benadryl and that I had to use my epi pen.
Two things, I FUCKING HATE NEEDLES, I am a f*cking grown adult and I still make my Mom come to the doctors with me because I pass out, even during x-rays. I am a serious baby. Second, I have never used my epi-pen, even though I know how to use it. I make Kevin run out to my car and get it. He brings it in and hands it to me. I realize that there is no f*cking way I am doing this to myself. I tell Kevin he either has to do it or my throat will legitimately closed. He stabs my thigh and I clearly pass out.
I come to five minutes later. I can feel my body feeling a little more normal and take a Benadryl just to help me feel a little better. I am not one to stay at Kevin’s but there was no way I was driving home after this disastrous night. I slept there and we woke up and laughed about it in the morning. Needless to say, I will be issuing a medical history to all of my slam pieces just to make nothing like this ever happens again. And I advise you all ask your slam pieces to do the same — if not for STDs then at least for flavored lube-related allergies.
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