A single hot-button issue has dominated our national discourse lately: is the birth control pill wrong? You might not care about politics, which is normally a sign of mental health. Apathy is the best, right? Who wants to spend life getting angry over meaningless bullcrap? Personally, I’d rather pound tequila shots at the bar than watch C-SPAN. Actually, I’d rather pound antifreeze shots than watch C-SPAN. But in a democracy, bro, some issues are too important to ignore. Specifically, issues that concern your dong. If you’re a man and against contraception, you need your heads examined. Both of them.
Last week, a bunch of congressmen nearly granted employers the right to deny women coverage. Presidential candidate Rick Santorum — who believes sex is only for “procreative” purposes — ranted that the pill is “not okay.” And Rush Limbaugh slandered a Georgetown law student as a “slut” and “prostitute” just for speaking her mind on the topic. (He later apologized, but maintains that insurance companies shouldn’t pay for contraception, as opposed to Viagra and mountains of Oxycontin.)
This is sexism that backfires. Misogyny that maims. Chauvinism that hurts males too.
The birth control pill isn’t wrong; it’s goddamn amazing. This should be a self-evident truth, like how all men are created equal and have certain unalienable rights. (For example, the right to get laid without becoming fathers.) But apparently it’s 1960, not 2012, so this needs clarification. Allow me to explain the facts of life to guys who don’t know what’s good for them.
Birth Control Fact #1: You Save a Ton of Cash
The average cost of raising a brat from infancy to adulthood is $227,000, a 40 percent increase since 2001. Pop quiz: do you have $227,000 in coins hiding between your sofa cushions? (Put your hand down, Mitt Romney; I’m not talking to you.)
You could purchase a lot of things with that money: luxury cars, exotic travel, dubiously imported cigars and the finest booze. But instead you’ll waste it on diapers and pacifiers and... um... whatever the hell else babies need. Cigars and booze?
Birth Control Fact #2: If She’s On the Pill, You Don’t Have to Use Condoms
News flash: sex is less pleasurable when you bury your schlong inside a latex coffin. You don’t want to acquire an STD, of course — protection is advisable for one-night stands in public restrooms — but you do want more than a fraction of the sensation. (Also, Trojans make your junk smell like a hospital, which I guess is an improvement over the public restroom.)
With a condom, all you feel is movement. Without one, you feel temperature and moisture. As far as thrills go, it’s the difference between flying coach and skydiving. Specifically, skydiving into a warm, dewy cloud of joy.
Birth Control Fact #3: Estrogen Regulates Her Cycle
“I have not been married twenty-nine years and not learned I am a son of a bitch every twenty-eight days or so.”
If you have a girlfriend who’s on the pill, go look at the pack. Notice anything about the final row? It’s a different color, huh? You know what that color means?
I’ll tell you what it means: GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE. Now, I love the ladies — by which I mean my lady — but sometimes they act a little silly, by which I mean completely terrifying. For a few days each month, every little thing I say is wrong. (Also: everything I think, which is apparently written all over my bastard face.) And I appreciate knowing when to expect those days, so I can book the overseas ticket in advance.
Birth Control Fact #4: It’s Not Your Responsibility... Yet
Scientists are working on a birth control pill for men. (Who wants to bet that thrice-divorced Limbaugh will oppose insurance coverage of that?) Unfortunately, men are forgetful. We can’t remember birthdays and anniversaries, so how are we supposed to remember our Vasectomy Vitamins?
In terms of responsibility, free birth control for women means a free ride for you. No pun intended.
Birth Control Fact #5: Her Breasts Get Bigger
Let me repeat: HER. BREASTS. GET. BIGGER.
For chrissakes, this wondrous medicine helps women stay baby-free and makes them more voluptuous. Why do our elected representatives want to make it illegal and/or harder to get? What kind of patriarchy is this?!?
We shouldn’t decrease access to contraception; we should put Yaz in the goddamn tap water supply.
If your crazy political agenda is more important to you than stuffing your face between a majestic pair of enormous jugamajiggies, then we have nothing more to discuss. And if you believe in controlling women’s bodies, you can go screw yourself. Because they certainly won’t do you the favor.
Marty Beckerman has written for Esquire, Playboy, Salon, Discover, Wired, Huffington Post, the Daily Beast, and Nerve.com. His latest book is a tongue-in-cheek guide to masculinity based on the life and works of Ernest Hemingway, titled The Heming Way. "Like" him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.