An education beyond the classroom: excelling in the realm of horizontal academics
Senior Honors Thesis
Submitted to the Department of Late-Night Entertainment
in partial fulfillment of the requirements for a
Degree in Tempestuous Frolicking (D.T.F)
Senior year and college in general often bring about certain situations that result in the seeking of so-called “sex.” Until now, no studies have succeeded in developing a methodology for quantifying and ranking these so-called horizontal academics. In this study, we used data from four years at Duke University to create evaluation criteria for such encounters and applied these criteria to the evaluated Subjects, hopefully allowing for future maximization of enjoyment of such procedures.
I evaluated [Subject 1] on my 19th birthday – We met at Shooters through [redacted] and he bought me many, many beers. After the final song, he invited me back to his house to “hang out”. Needless to say, this was my first introduction into the glorious, alpha-male dominated world of [redacted] hookups. After some actual “hanging out” (during which I was asked which laxer I found the most attractive, to which I replied [redacted], upon which I was informed of his lack of, um, largesse), it was back to his bedroom, which sported a lovely king sized bed.
Memorable moments: standing outside of Shooters, surrounded by [Subject 1] and a few friends (redacted, redacted, etc): “She’s so hot; guys, isn’t she so hot?” [nods and murmurs of assent] “Her breasts…they’re just exquisite. So exquisite”. Being asked to name the lacrosse player I thought was the hottest to a room of other lacrosse players, including the one I was about to hook up with. Actually replying honestly to the question.
Pros: He is enormous. Like…I was actually rendered speechless. After a freshman year of frat star-sizing, I wasn’t really even sure what to do with the situation at hand (erm, mouth?). Additionally, he had just broken up with his girlfriend of three years and was a grad student, so experience was on his side. And he used it.
Cons: He does not have all that exciting of a personality. It was over too quickly. I was probably a little awkward, and didn’t really know how to move or what to do. And it was a tad bit painful…
Raw Score: 4/10
This tennis star was assessed before junior year spring break in March of 2009. After many long looks exchanged between us on the path to and from Wilson Gymnasium, he finally approached at Shooters II and asked for a dance before suggesting that we exit the premises. It was on the cab ride back that I discovered he was rude, [redacted], and spoke mostly in [redacted]. Needless to say, the warning flags were waving furiously, yet, in the interest of my research and out of a perverse curiosity, I decided to continue towards his apartments.
Memorable moments: None. He was terrible, did not even bother to kiss me more than a few seconds, and finished in about five minutes, after which he simply walked out of the room and did not return.
Pros: He was at least a successful athlete, and was fairly lengthy; he had a good body.
Cons: Absolutely everything else about him and the situation as a whole. Also, I accidentally left my favorite pair of earrings from South Africa. When I texted him this fact, he responded with “I will leave them outside of the building for you.”
Raw Score: 1/10. Seriously.
My introduction to this Subject, baseball player uno, came on Halloween of 2009, after two months of acting like a mature, responsible adult. I blame it on the Freddy Kreuger claw, and by that I mean my increasing need to collect more data to complete my honors thesis. I chatted with the subject throughout the night, he bought me shots, and at closing song he grabbed my shoulders, pushed me against a wall and asked if I wanted to “get out of this place”. Finding myself overwhelmingly attracted to this athletic, intelligent sophomore, and suddenly anxious to stop being a mature person, I agreed and we went back to my place.
Memorable moments: I could not walk the next day. Could. Not. Walk. In all the best ways, of course. Also, I sent my roommate the following sexile text: “don’t come backk brousght boy backk SEX!!!!!”. Whenever I went to the bathroom, I arrayed myself in a zebra-print snuggie. At one point, post-hookup, he was literally just running his hands up and down, all over me. When I asked, laughing, what he was doing, he replied, in a deep post-sex voice, “Shh…I’m just trying to explore this body…”
Pros: Did I mention I could not walk the next day? He was very, very well equipped. And he knew how to use his hardware. And the aggression was unbelievable. Additionally, we had a lot of things in common, and the conversations preceding and following hookup sessions were extremely enjoyable
Cons: He snored. I was completely unprepared for said encounter (as mentioned, I had actually made a serious, and successful, attempt to halt my data collection and behave in a manner more fitting of a responsible adult). As a result, I felt a little self conscious about my state of affairs, and enjoyed the experience a little less than I would have, had I been completely lacking inhibitions per usual.
Raw Score: 8/10
Subject 3 Continued
My next encounter with said subject was the day before classes started in 2010. I walked into Shooters and immediately noticed his rather imposing presence at the bar. Ten minutes later, we were hailing a cab back to his dorm room and I enjoyed a walk of shame (and by shame I mean glory) past ambitiously academic students the next day.
The next time, we saw each other at a Wednesday night Shooters and spoke a few times, but did not leave together, preferring to actually enjoy our night out for a change. After returning to our respective abodes, we texted a few times and then he called to ask me if I would like to “hang out”. Eager for some early-morning delight, I went to pick him up and we hooked up on my neighbor’s pull-out couch. I drove him back afterwards, as he had an early morning practice to attend.
**The final time (May 5), I was in line at Shooters and he came walking (staggering?) out to use his phone. Needless to say, after several minutes of conversation I did not even bother paying my $5 entrance fee. At his suggestion that we “do it somewhere new” (and my immediate suggestion that such a place be the library), we made our way to a Perkins library stairwell (for additional research purposes, this event took place during finals week, when the library was flooded with studious creatures) and proceeded to hook up for approximately one hour, without getting caught. After, we went back to his dorm for rounds 2 and 3 (the Gardens was considered, but rejected due to the temperature outdoors).
Memorable moments: Taking a breathalyzer with his roommate. Hooking up on the stairs of the packed library. High fiving him while giving him a blow job in the library, because “this is f*cking awesome!”. “You can use me to fulfill your graduation requirements any f*cking time”. Trying positions I had never heard of. Being unable to walk time and time again. The formation of the greatest quote of all time: “I fail to see how a tee shirt is going to ameliorate this blow job…”. The third time, he said that he might have trouble finishing, as he was “a little drunk”. I assured him that I would be able to help him escape such a potentially painful dilemma. After a little initial difficulty, DMX’s “Ruff Ryder Anthem” came on his iPhone as an alarm, and, fueled by its sheer glory, we got the job done by the end of the song. Amazing.
Pros: Aside from his impressive size, amazing ability to keep it up, and incredible stamina, Subject 3 was extremely creative and always eager to engage in hookup sessions in new locations and positions, some of which were familiar to me and some of which seemed ingeniously innovative. Even apart from my research, I am similarly inclined, resulting in hookups that were extremely pleasurable and highly educational, daring and exciting, and never, ever boring.
Cons: Did I mention the snoring? In fact, it was best realized when he and his roommate were both sleeping. The degree of synchronization was incredible.
Raw Score: 9/10
Subject 3 Continued
**On the advice of a close friend, and my own sentiments, I feel that the fourth and final hookup with Subject 3 deserves a bit more attention. As she put it, “I mean f*cking in the library IS your entire thesis!” The perfect combination of sex and academics, it represented the climactic culmination of my entire research project. As previously mentioned, we left Shooters before I even went inside of the bar—I was craving physical contact that evening, and wanted another specimen or two (or three) from this aggressive stud. We got in the cab and went back to West Campus; I should probably say that the cab driver got a money and a show. We got out and paid, and he turned to me with this look in his eyes and said “Let’ do this somewhere different this time…somewhere crazy.” I instantly thought of the library (keep in mind this was the middle of finals weeks at 1:00 AM), and so after a quick McDonalds run to help us sober up a bit, we headed that way (we were both stumbling a little, and I was wearing a low cut orange tank, a short skirt, and gold heels – clearly not my typical study outfit). We walked in and I asked where we should try this; he replied simply “I’m following you…you lead the way.”
Emboldened by the few number of visible people on 1st floor Perkins, I suggested we take the elevator up to the fourth floor, and find some isolated stacks. On the brief journey up we hooked up very briefly; his hands were all over me and I considered pressing the emergency stop button and just going for it there. We got off in the middle of the most packed floor I had ever seen, so I immediately grabbed his hand and made for the nearest exit stairwell, avoiding the stares of millions of students, with both of us laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it. I made for a stairwell I knew led to the staff’s work area, and thus one very unlikely to be used by students. It was empty; I led him down a few stairs, but we only made it one level before he grabbed my shoulders, pushed me hard against a wall on the landing, and started kissing me. We were both extremely turned on already, just from the anticipation of illicitly f*cking in a crowded library, and both of our hands were in rapid-fire motion, all over each other. In other words, it wasn’t long before we had moved on to the R-rated activities. One of my favorite things about Subject 3 has always been the creativity and the variation in positions. Even here in the library stairwell, with my shirt pulled down, my skirt pushed up and the possibility of someone walking in on us an extremely real one, we managed to improvise and appraise different angles and poses. The stairs and railings allowed for positions we had never been able to try before. The lighting was harsh, giving us both the sense that we were starring in a cheap adult entertainmento (indeed, it really was a miracle that nobody walked in on us), which quite frankly added to the er*ticism of the entire sequence. Neither of us bothered to be particularly quiet or gentle (something which definitely resulted in a lot of bruises on me the next day); indeed, we let go of all our inhibitions and just enjoyed the f*ck and each other’s bodies. The newness of the location made even the most basic acts such as blow jobs, for example, ten time hotter (or so he told me).
After we were both exhausted, bruised, drenched, and satisfied, we reclothed and continued down the stairs to head back to his dorm room. On the way out, we walked past [redacted] (lacrosse), who took one look at me, said “Oh heyyy, [redacted]…what are you up to tonight?” and died laughing (both of us looked like we had just clearly engaged in ‘extracurricular’ activities) and several other people we knew, a source of great amusement for myself and the Subject. The entire walk back to his dorm was the foreplay for our next hookup (he may or may not have had my panties in his pocket). His hands were all over me, and we kept having to stop in little corners or staircases because we both wanted each other so badly we almost couldn’t wait. The absurd steamy passion of the last hookup, combined with the anticipation for the next made that the most er*tic walk of my life. Literally the second we entered his room and shut the door our clothes were off and my clothes were torn off and, as popular culture puts it, he morphed into Mr. Flintstone and made that Bedrock.
Memorable Moments: I mean, we f*cked in a f*cking Duke University library during f*cking finals week.
Pros: Everything. Ev-er-y-thing.
Raw Score: 10/10
Stay tune for Subjects 4 through 13…