Why would you want to piss off your girlfriend without breaking up with her? Because sometimes chicks don't fully appreciate the sacrifice it takes for beasts of our caliber to be in a full-blown monogamous relationship. They harp, nag, and pester; they just can't understand certain intricacies about the male brain. We all know how easily women can be set-off on a whirlwind tour of unreasonable c*nty-ness. So when that happens, you might need to knock your broad down a peg or 10.
Whether it's a huge blow-out fight, the b*tch doesn't appreciate shit, she rarely does anything for you, you want to avoid a trip to see her family, or she tried to make you jealous (some nerve), there are just those times when you want to spurn her but good, and do it without completely ruining the relationship (i.e. informing her that you're no longer sexually attracted to her is a fantastic albeit fatal dagger to the heart if there ever was one).
You likely want to tread carefully when you embark on something like one of the methods below. Get your jab in, make your point, and move on. Remember, chicks are the more spiteful gender. I mean, have you ever read about a man ripping off a woman's genitalia and sending it down a garbage disposal? I have not. (Challenge issued.)
Here are 8 definite ways to get on her nerves. Because the stiff jab is just as important as the haymaker.
Consciously Do Little Things You Know She Hates About You
Leave the toilet seat up (or brimming with your latest movement), throw every recyclable in the garbage (if she is green as shit), use words that get on her nerves (most racial slurs will do), waft a fart or two in her general direction (“babe, you gotta smell this. Just like f*ckin’ soy sauce, right?”), or act like an a**hole in front of her (this is probably how you act behind her back anyway). The possibilities are endless, and if you’ve been with a girl long enough, you know the right buttons to hammer.
Constantly Ignore Her Conversation By Watching Meaningless TV (or Antyhing Else, For That Matter)
Chicks rarely say anything of interest, so you’re probably doing this anyway, whether you intend to or not. Tease her with the, “How was your day?” inquiry, and then get back to concentrating on the more important things in life, like the fourth inning of an Indians/Royals game.
Flirt With Her Sworn Enemy
The single greatest thing about flirting with her enemy is that it's actually one of her pretend “besties” — there’s always one despised hoe in the female friend circle. It takes very little effort, you don’t have to go out of your way to almost pick up a chick in front of your girlfriend, and getting chummy with her will make your broad’s head spin on its axis. Oh, and if you can work the girl sitting on your lap into the equation, even better.
Break Off Plans With Her to Hang With Your Boys
Chicks always think they are in direct competition with your friends, even if you concede 70% of your free time to her. This move will never fail to be good ammo, especially in those instances when she forgets that having balance and time with your friends will keep you from despising her to the point of relationship annihilation. And speaking of your boys...
Work All The Wild Times You Used To Have Into Conversation
It is a matter of fact that chicks loath the life you used to lead. You shouldn't go into gross detail about that str*pper you f*cked, or the subsequent burning of warts off your dick, but even bringing up crazy nights and being like, "oh my God, that trip to Vegas was f*cking insanity" will get on her nerves. Then when she asks why it was so wild, just be like "Ah, come on babe. I don't want to talk about it, that was another time in my life." Meanwhile, it was 6 months ago.
Comment About a Hot Girl That Looks Like the Exact Opposite of Your Girlfriend
This one comes to us from a chick and she claims this is “a total mind f*ck.” Which is the entire point of this exercise. Your short, semi-flat chested, dark-haired girlfriend will surely love it when you say "Goddamn, John’s girl is smoking hot," with her lengthy stems, bleach-blond hair, and huge milky tits.
Be "Too Tired For Sex"
Keep that up for more than a few days (satiate yourself through rigorous masturbation) and she’ll be questioning how sexually attracted you are to her. Next thing you know, she’ll be buying lingerie and desperately offering to give head to get you in the mood.
Casually Bring Up Your Ex-girlfriend
You want to fling a shit pie in your girl's smug face? No better method than to find a viable excuse to bring up a recent ex in conversation. If you’re feeling extra bold, do this in public among friends or acquaintances. For instance, if someone mentions how their girlfriend gives the best massages, fire out, "I haven't had a good back rub since I dated Julie." Your girl will be so pissed her only response will be a gasp followed by the sound of her p*ssy puckering.
Now that we think about it, we sometimes do most of these things without even considering it to be an annoyance to her. That is the beauty of being a man. What are some of your favorite methods of pissing off your girlfriend? Sound Off in the Comments...