1. I fully realize that when it comes to a list like this, you're not gonna please everyone. No matter what, someone is going to complain about a girl I left off, a girl's spot on the list, my picture cropping skills, whatever. So with that in mind, I think I did a good job putting together a list that's got a little something for everyone. I've got white girls, black girls, Asians, blondes, brunettes, cartoons, aliens, dogs, midgets, conjoined twins, you name it. If there's nothing on this list for you, send me your porn search history because it's probably outrageous and I'd love to turn it into a blog post.
2. This list is not, I repeat, is NOT a list of the 50 hottest girls on Instagram. If it were, I'd just find SI models and beautiful actresses and call it a day. This list comprises the hottest 50 accounts on Instagram, considering factors like how often they post, how suggestive their captions are, and most importantly, how revealing their pictures are. There's a reason Jessica Alba, one of the hottest women in the world but an absolute bore on Instagram, isn't on this list but the ring girl from the last Floyd Mayweather fight is.
Now that we've cleared that up, it's time to grab your phone, your lotion, and wait for your girlfriend to leave the house. I present to you the Top 50 Hottest Instagram Accounts of 2013.
#50 – Rosie Roff
Did I say something about the ring girl from the Mayweather fight? Well here she is, and on her page you'll notice that she likes taking pictures with all her hot ring girl friends. I'll fully admit that she belongs higher on this list, but I wanted to start out with an absolute smoke just so you'll keep reading. Blogger 101 really.
#49 - Sheridyn Fisher
It's pretty impressive (disappointing) that this girl didn't become a pornstar with a name like Sheridyn. On her profile she describes herself as a “comic geek and an herbivore.” I eat meat and I'm not really into comics but suddenly I've got a hankering for some Spiderman and lettuce.
#48 - Jenah Yamamoto
The arm sleeves aren't really my bag but I guarantee you this girl is an absolute force in the bedroom. Also, I don't think it necessarily makes me a racist by pointing out that her name is just fun to say.
#47 - Lucy Pinder
If you for some reason don't know who Lucy Pinder is, she's one of the most famous models in the UK and has a top five set of stocking stuffers on the planet.
#46 - Lisa Morales
Lisa lists herself as a “TV Personality,” which is Instagram for “willing to be filmed.”
#45 - McKayla Maroney
Everyone's favorite only-gymnast-they-know turned 18 a couple weeks back, and I've been following her ever since. I also subscribed to her Instagram page.
#44 - Lindsey Duke
Lindsey is the girlfriend of University of Central Florida quarterback Blake Bortles. If you Google his name, the first six pics on Google Images are of his girlfriend. Hey Linds, your boy is a borderline 1st-round pick this year. I took my Jr. Pee Wee team to Florida when I was 8. Call an audible and dump that loser.
#43 - Rosa Acosta
I know nothing about Rosa other than I'd have zero chance at satisfying her.
#42 - Sophie Turner
Sophie is kind of a weird bird on IG. She'll go two months without posting a pic and then go on a 3-day ass-flaunting binge before she disappears again. Here's to hoping she comes up for air a little more in 2014.
#41 - Maria Menounos
This is what I mean by not just a list of the hottest girls on Instagram. Maria is hotter than plenty of the girls on this list, but lacks the profile intangibles to crack the top 40. With that said, she keeps it slightly more risque than your average celeb so she definitely warrants an inclusion. I hate that she loves Boston sports.
#40 - Rawan Hage
Sleeper alert! I kinda cheated because I actually know this girl, but I don't think anyone's complaining. When you get a chance, throw her a follow and some ridiculously inappropriate comments. She probably won't respond, but it makes for entertaining conversation when I see her at the bar.
#39 - Claudia Sampedro
Claudia's got like a thousand workout videos on her page of her doing squats and lunges and shit. I've never done a squat or lunge, but I watched them all anyway.
#38 - Libby Powell
She could 1000% beat the living shit out of me.
#37 - Angie Varona
I've been at the top of my creep game for years now and even I don't remember why this girl got famous in the first place or what she actually does, but I do know she's a shoe-in for the Selfie Hall of Fame.
#36 - Emily Sears
This is the only girl on the countdown who I can confirm actually eats.
#35 - Erin Pugliese
Talk about getting straight to the point with your username. No surprises when you come across Erin's profile, just straight bathing suits and stromboli.
#34 - Alison Waite
As a lifelong Dallas Cowboys fan (spare me, comment section), this pic is the only reason I haven't switched teams yet. Also, do I detect a hint of Menounos in her face?
#33 - Joselyn Cano
I Google'd “Robinson Cano's wife” and this isn't her. I don't care how much money the Mariners just gave you, bro, you missed out by not being the Cano attached to this chick.
#32 - Brittany Palmer
The other half of the tandem featuring another girl coming up later on this countdown, Brittney Palmer is a UFC ring girl who's just straight up gorgeous.
#31 - CJ Miles
I'm so happy that when you Google “CJ Miles”, the first result is “Sexy Filipina CJ Miles is the hottest nude girl that bares all” and the second is the stat page of the journeyman former Cleveland Cavaliers' swingman. It'd be a travesty the other way around.
#30 - Nina Agdal
Nina Agdal is pretty famous now and has a Chrissy Teigen-like “I'd love to have intercourse with her but that'll never happen so it'd be cool to just have a beer with her” vibe. Fine, that'd never happen either. Hot chicks that are also funny are just unstoppable.
#29 - Galinka Mirgaeva
#28 - Olya Abramovich
I grouped these two together because I'm not even sure that either is a real person. For a while, both of them just had “!” listed as their names on their profiles and every caption they write is in Russian hieroglyphics so I just assume both are robots or something. I'm pretty sure those are machine gun jubblies.
#27 - Melissa Molinaro
Her profile says “IMDB me,” so I did. Her most notable role was the character “Nooki” in the critically-acclaimed hit Jersey Shore Shark Attack. You know how cocky you have to be to write “IMDB me” with the body of work I'm looking at on her page? I love it.
Just kidding Melissa, I'm a fucking freelance blogger. Would love to go over some scripts sometime.
#26 - Kate Sullivan
I don't know what's going on with her username but I hope she's not one of those girls that textsss liikee thiissss. That'd be a total dealbreaker.
#25 - Ellie Gonsalves
Ellie is relentless with the half-naked pics on her profile and really worked for her spot in the top 25. Go full frontal next year and I promise a top 10 ranking.
#24 - Arielle Reitsma
This girl is so legitimately pretty that if I were sitting across from her the night this pic was taken, I would have been able to look at her face for at least 14% of the night.
#23 - Paulina Gretzky
She had hotter pics but I'm picking the Mean Girls reference every single time because I'm a huge homo. Everyone knows her deal by now… Wayne's daughter, Dustin's fiance, America's masturbation material.
#22 - Jessica Burciaga
If you're thinking this girl looks a little like Jennifer Lopez, be sure to comment that on one of her pics, I don't think she's ever heard it before. Imagine a probably hotter J-Lo with a lot less money and slightly less shame. Ya.
#21 - Sarah Stage
Sarah Stage is the 3rd member of the Molinaro/Burciaga/Stage supercrew. She's got two cheeseburgers bookending her username which is obviously not a representation of her real life. I fucking hate dogs but I fucking love hot girls wearing nothing so this pic is very confusing for me.
#20 - Bryana Holly
I mean, just look at her.
#19 - Alana Blanchard
#18 - Anastasia Ashley
I have no ties to the world of competitive female surfing but these two have to hate each other, no? They've been going ass shot for ass shot for years now with no signs of slowing down, much to the joy of their male and lesbo followers (The autocorrect of lesbo is “boules”? Wow, try less, Microsoft.).
These two probably read BroBible, right? Hey girls, Alana is slightly prettier and Anastasia has the better ass. Start fighting about it and film it.
#17 - Rihanna
Full disclosure: I honestly don't find Rihanna that hot. Obviously, she's a piece, but what put her this high on my list was the simple fact that she's famous as fuck and still doesn't let societal standards dictate her actions. She's one of the most recognizable people on Earth and she just doesn't give a fuck, and there's something extremely sexy about a bonafide celebrity posting racy pics of themselves because they just don't care. You'll have to weed through a bunch of bullshit shopping pics on her page, but she'll throw her fastball enough to keep you on your toes.
#16 - Bar Refaeli
I'm extremely disappointed that I'll probably never get to see a tape of her and Leo having sex. She might be the most “effortlessly sexy” girl in the entire world.
#15 - Georgia Salpa
We're officially in heavy hitter territory now. I'll admit that she looks better in this pic than in most of her others, but that's like saying Michael Jordan played better in the Flu Game than in most of his other games.
#14 - Jaclyn Swedberg
She was the Playboy Playmate of the Year in 2012 (what gave it away?), and she rode that momentum to a career-defining 14th place finish on Jimmy T's Hottest Top 50 of 2013. I'm legitimately happy for Hugh Hefner for the life he carved out for himself, but I'd be straight up bitter if he got to fuck this girl.
#13 - Vanessa Tello
If you know anything about the world-famous Reef Girls, you know that they have some of the nicest asses on the planet. Vanessa Tello is a Reef Girl. Vanessa Tello has an outstanding ass. I don't remember from 10th grade math exactly what the commutative property was, but I think it went something like that.
#12 - Natasha Oakley
Partner-in-crime to a Top 10 member of this list, Tash Oakley pretty much just goes around to different countries wearing bikinis and looking hot. She also has an Aussie accent, which is awesome because I'll never have a conversation with her ever so it doesn't matter.
#11 - Jess Green
Megan Fox 2.0, Jess Green may very well be one of the prettiest girls in existence, but she misses a spot in the Top 10 because about 30% of her pictures are with her boyfriend, that lucky fuck. She gets bonus points though for taking part in Woman Crush Wednesdays and posting pics of other hot girls she wants to lez out with.
#10 – ?
This girl apparently doesn't have a name so I'll just call her Chicken Tuna. Jen Selter be damned, Chicken Tuna has the undisputed best ass on Instagram. Like if one of Aladdin's wishes from the Genie was to give Princess Jasmine the perfect ass, he would have given her Chicken Tuna's ass. If I ran a company big enough to afford a Super Bowl ad, I wouldn't be writing this blog post, but I also would just put my company name on Chicken Tuna's ass and let her stand there for 30 seconds. It'd be the best $500K a company could ever spend. I'm actually scared people aren't going to scroll down to see the last 9 girls because you could get lost in that ass for hours.
#9 - Cindy Prado
I could have taken any one of probably 200 of Cindy Prado's pics to use for this article because she is a 10 in every single one.
#8 - Kendall Jenner
I want to be clear again here: Kendall's overall body of work does not merit a top 10 ranking and maybe not even top 25, but she scores major points for having THEE signature picture on all of Instagram in 2013. Like 18 seconds after she posted this pic, she was on every major smut site and basically broke the Internet, and that's gotta count for something. She essentially hit .250 for an entire season and then had a 5-HR game in the World Series.
#7 - Candice Swanepoel
On the short list of “hottest women in the world,” Candice also brings the heat on IG with a bevy of bikini and ass shots that plenty of famous supermodels won't give you.
#6 - Melanie Iglesias
Melanie Iglesias makes that Girl Code show watchable. That's probably the best compliment a girl can get.
#5 - Arianny Celeste
Brittney Palmer's BFF in the UFC octagon, Arianny gets the nod over her girl based on sheer quantity of scantily clad pictures. She posts a lot of ass shots and a lot of dudes comment “you have no ass,” so she just keeps posting more of them to try to debunk the no ass myth. It reminds me of high school when you kept telling a girl she was prude just to try to get her to “prove you wrong” and hook up with you. Anyway, I doubt she's pandering to the Instagram comment section, but whatever the reason, keep the pics coming. Also, you're so prude, Arianny.
#4 - Emily Ratajkowski
If this was a list of girls I wanted to marry I'd just put Emrata in every spot and call it a day. If you haven't seen the unrated “Blurred Lines” music video, what in the fucking fuck have you been doing for the past 6 months?!? She may have the best body in the world and would be #1 on this list if she posted on IG more frequently.
#3 – Jen Selter
I know I took a shot at her in Chicken Tuna's section, but there's nothing wrong with having the second best ass on a site with like 2 billion users. So why does she get the nod over Chicken Tuna? I honestly don't have a good reason other than she actually has a name. That said, I'm not positive she even has a face. She's also the only non-homeless girl in the world not to own a pair of jeans.
#2 – Devin Brugman
Is it sad that the #1/#2 decision was a really tough call for me and I actually put some thought into it? Like, I feel I owe Brugman an apology for not putting her at #1. I've followed her career from the minors to the big leagues and at this point we're basically dating. I'm really sorry, Dev. Tell Wes Matthews to keep hitting his 3's so my fantasy team stays relevant.
I think I speak for every man out there when I say that not since April on Eastbound & Down has there been a pair of tits that need to be set free more than Devin Brugman's.
#1 – Ashley Sky
Here she is folks, #1. Ashley Sky is your hottest Instagram account of 2013 for however many reasons match the number of body parts in the human body. Obviously she's Internet famous, but why is this girl not Swanepoel famous by now? If you can find a flaw in this chick's game, you're probably a terrible person. To put it plainly, she's “your girlfriend doesn't care if you follow her because she's so perfect she transcends creeping” hot.
So who'd I miss? Leave your suggestions below. I won't change my list at all but I'll at least start following them in my private life.