That extra level of privacy on your girlfriend's profile isn't because she doesn't want co-workers or family to see how hard she pre-games. It's because she is paranoid someone will tag a picture of her snaking her tongue up some other guy's a**hole, and she's worried that you'll see it before she can hit “un-tag.” Put it this way: if you're exiled, it's for a good reason.
You're the Only One Who Can See Her Relationship Status as “In a Relationship”
I had a friend who got duped by some dime-store that was pulling this exact move. Follow me on this, because it gets gay. In their case they were on “a break” — I told you it was gay — but they were both supposed to keep their status as “In a relationship” until they figured out if they wanted to get back together. The douchery doesn't stop there. He kept his up, per their contract, but she made it so that everyone but him saw no relationship status at all; when he looked at her profile it said “In a relationship”… with the world's biggest sap. Thankfully for him, one of his friends noticed what she was up to. Turns out broads might not be that f*ckin' dumb after all.
Her Profile Picture
Your relationship is already in the dumps. You can feel that you're both growing apart faster than aging tits, but the kicker happens when your significant other's profile pic goes from “I love this person I'm standing next to” to “Check out this peace sign while I duck face the shit out of this camera.” Relationship is done, and she is likely hunting for Guidos or other various douchebags. That scenario really only refers to women as guys generally do something awesome with their picture (see: stand there looking handsome as f*ck), but in the event that you have a dick and you've still made a duck face/peace sign combo, kill yourself.
You're Completely Absent on Her Profile
Like many, I am a fan of the non-status. So if you're with someone who doesn't want to announce that your genitals are going steady, don't make a big deal out of it. Nothing wrong with some privacy. Do, however, make a big deal if you can't find one picture of yourself on her entire profile. That's a great clue that being with you brings her spectacular amounts of shame.
The “Old” Friend You've Never Met
One always looms in the background of every relationship. Waiting, watching, writing on her wall, thumbs-upping her every move as you wonder just who the f*ck this c*nt muscle extraordinare is? If your girlfriend is constantly flirting with other dudes online, that makes you look like a f*cking b*tch. So call her out on it. Like my uncle Mayor McCheese once said, “You might not be able to get rid of her past, but if she is cheating on you, you can put her future in a wheel chair.” Uncle McCheese loves violently.
J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.