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Your Very Own Castle, Plus 10 Things We Want

By / 06.07.13

Buttwipes, $4

The guys from the Dollar Shave Club now offer “One Wipe Charlies,” a buttwipe specially made for men. The video above is getting all the attention, but the webpage really kills me. Look at the bear's expression.

Toxic 6 Running Shoe, $99

These just dropped. The color scheme won't be for everyone, but if you're in the market for a minimalist, glove-like shoe (which many say is better for your feet than one with a ton of cushioning) the Toxic might be a good look. But, again, the color scheme won't be for everyone. It's amazing how shoe design has essentially traveled back to 1994 this year.

August Smart Lock, $199

The August Smart Lock requires no wiring, easily installs atop an existing deadbolt, and operates via Bluetooth. Meaning: Keyless locks are the future. And the locksmith is about to go the way of the dodo, video salesman, and newspaper writer.

OGIO Bag, $279

Ogio's brand new bags will survive a typhoon. You'll probably get some not unwelcome stares at the country club, too.

IPA Glass, $24.90

I'm willing to bet you've enjoyed Dogfish Head ale or a Sierra Nevada at least once during your drinking endeavors. What are your thoughts on a glass especially designed for the IPA pour? The makers promise to “showcase the complex and alluring aromatic profiles of American 'hop-forward' IPA beers, preserve a frothy head, enhance taste and mouthfeel, and present a comfortably wide opening for the drinker to savor each beer.” Just make it taste good.

BBQ Branding Iron, $20

See that, pledgemasters? It's for steaks.

Oscar Mayer Bacon Boxes, $Various

We've nearly reached Peak Bacon, but if you still call yourself a bacon aficionado—even after buying the bacon condoms and soap and wallets, etc etc etc—then Oscar Mayer has a gift-wrapped treat for you: Bacon Boxes. They're being advertised as a Father's Day gift, but I'll let you decided whether Pops is getting his grubby hands on these options: The Commander (18-20 bacon strips, a money clip, and elegant card stock – $22), The Matador (18-20 bacon strips, bacon cufflinks, and elegant card stock – $28), or The Woodsman (18-20 bacon strips, a multi-tool, and elegant card stock – $25). 

Noise Canceling Headphones, $Various

Those of us with jobs or internships know that noise-canceling headphones are not a luxury—they're of vital, utmost importance. Cindy's conversation with the guy she's currently friend-zoning isn't going to block itself out.

But what pair is the best on the market? Find out here.

Ray-Ban Folding Aviators, $195

Ray-Ban has made folding Wayfarers for a few years, and now the Aviators get the same treatment. Thankfully, these weren't around in the '80s. I can't see Mav and Goose from Top Gun giving us the same badass look by whipping off their sunglasses and carefully folding them into a case. 

Castle, $8 Million

The top photo is what I imagine using this castle for—a base for pillaging, a fortress against untrusty Italian villagers, a setting for death metal music videos. This is more of what it looks like.

Not a problem. There's room for turrets. There's acres and acres of land, and the whole thing is set on a hilltop. A catapult can easily take out any nearby homes, and your downstairs area includes a private prison. That's right: A PRIVATE PRISON. Can you imagine raising kids in this monstrosity and holding a possible house imprisonment over their heads when they're grounded? I must take a maiden and live here.


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