Gear
by Jake Alexander on May 15, 2014

nike-air-max-90-hyperfuse-blue-orange

What do you notice first about a person? The way they walk? Their handshake? Their smile? Something else? I might be the strangest fucking person on the planet, but for me it’s always the shoes. You can usually tell a lot about a person by their shoes.

Dress Shoes

Economist Larry Summers once said, “One of the things you learn as a college president is that if an undergraduate is wearing a tie and jacket on Thursday afternoon at three o’clock, there are two possibilities. One is that they’re looking for a job and have an interview; the other is that they are an asshole.” My first thought when I see someone wearing dress shoes is “Hmmmm, they’ve got some important shit going on today.” Then I secretly wish him/her luck before they go before a company to tell them why they should get hired to become a desk slave for the next 5-10 years.

No Shoes

Get away from me, you dirty hippie. Earthfare is that way. I’m all for expressing how close you are with nature but there’s a reason you can’t get a Big Mac without covering your toes.

Dirty Nike Air Maxes

It’s obvious that you’re not an athlete because they aren’t clean, so you’re likely a frat dude cruising from finance class to your first bowl of the day back at the house. I own several pair myself. Often I make eye contact with other dudes wearing a different ratty pair of Maxes and it’s almost like we connect under some unknown I-Crush-Nattys-In-My-Air-Maxes-Too wavelength. Why can’t we just get new ones, you ask? Fuck out here with that nonsense. “I can’t throw these away, I was wearing these when I banged that girl on the roof of the house!” – the only explanation necessary.

Flip Flops 

I personally don’t enjoy bearing my monstrous pale feet to the general public, mostly because I find feet to be revolting in general. There is something confidently chill about a person wearing flip flips. They don’t seem to give a shit about anything in general. They parade around like look at my bare feet and say something, motherfucker. I don’t want any trouble, just keep your meat slabs away from me. They’re hovering inches above cement that dogs go #2 all over. You’re the daredevil, not I. 

Nike Frees

Often found on the feet of roaming packs of sorority girls, they are perfect for walking around and attempting to chew bubble gum at the same time. Listen, Elizabeth, we know you’re not running in those. They’re purely for aesthetics. There is a reason they match your comfort colors t-shirt. Nike Frees are also found on the guys who like to run shirtless in short shorts and let their dongs flap for all of humanity to see. I’ll never understand. I have a pair of Frees and just wave my penis in traffic for shits and giggles anyway.

Different Shoe Every Day

Whoa, looking to wild out every day are we? Or perhaps you’re just “stylish.” I’m not one to comment on style, as I recently just washed a t-shirt I had worn four days in a row. I might be inherently jealous of those who can match the color of their shoe with whatever they might be wearing. I can barely use a box of matches.

Jake Alexander has vomited on almost every shoe he owns. You can send him hateful messages on Twitter – @callmeshitto

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