I’m a big hat guy. I can wear a hat to work, so I just assume do that instead of crisping the lettuce for all these 5′s and 6′s I work with. Not worth my time. I do, however, take the time to make sure I’m sending the right message with my choice in headwear. Here’s a breakdown of what your hat says about you.
Snapbacks are popular with everyone from beer-pounding bros to blunt-smoking thugs. People who rock Snapbacks usually like to get shitfaced and get laid. I know this because I wear Snapbacks, and I like to get shitfaced and get laid. My only recommendation for Snapbacks is to wear them directly forwards or directly backwards. Unless of course you’re stumbling around a house party shitfaced. In that case, backwards and sideways with killer shades.
Style: 9 Comfort: 4 Versatility: 7
What the hat says: “All I do is- All I do is- All I do is fuck and party.”
Classic Curved Brim
Definitely more of a casual cap. I mean, look how casual this bro looks in one. So fucking casual. Depending on your overall style, these hats aren’t usually used to impress. These are just “didn’t feel like showering before class” kinda hats. The perfect Hangover hat. Good for a mid afternoon breakfast outting. Bad for an evening of pussy hunting.
Style: 5 Comfort: 9 Versatility: 7
What the hat says: “If the sunlight touches my eyes, I’ll puke all over my bacon.”
Fedoras are always a gamble. Classy as fuck, but can sometimes make you look a little “soft”. Depending on the style of the Fedora, I’d say they’re strictly for semi-formal events and beach outtings. Your best bet is to give it a test run. If at least 2 chicks gives you the eyes while complimenting you on your headwear, you’re officially allowed to wear a Fedora. Just make sure you follow the rules:
Style: 10 Comfort: 8 Versatility: 3
What the hat says: “Yes, I look fucking great. No, you may not try it on.”
New Era Flat Brimmed
If you’re still wearing a Flat Brimmed New Era hat, there’s a good chance you still have a Limp Bizkit CD in your car. C’mon dude. Seriously? A flat brimmed hat? Why do I have the feeling it also still has the sticker on it? I have no problem with the New Era hats, but bend the fucking brim and take that fucking sticker off of it you asshole. It’s 2013, bro. Pretty sure TRL got cancelled. Time to cancel that awful hat.
Style: 1 Comfort: 3 Versatility: 2
What the hat says: "I don't have any on me, but I can definitely get you fake drugs."
Trucker hats are super iffy, mainly because the majority of them have some stupid fucking quote on them. “I Fucked Your Mom” or “Wine ‘Em, Dine ‘Em, & 69 ‘Em” or something ridiculous like that. If you’re an actual truck driver, it’s an absolute lock regardless of silly quotes. But if you’re rocking it to a party, use caution. Definitely gotta find something unique that doesn’t look like you found it in Ashton Kutcher’s trash can.
Style: 3 Comfort: 8 Versatility: 4
What the hat says: “I’m just gonna say fuck it and go for the fat one.”
Now I’m from Boston, so my opinion is a little biased, but Scally Caps are one of the meanest choices in headwear. That being said, they should come with a tag that says “Warning: This hat might make you look like a fucking idiot”. Don’t look at this picture of Tom Brady and think “I should get a Scally Cap! Brady looks fucking incredible in it!” Brady could be wearing your girlfriend around his dick and you’d still think he looks incredible. Like the Fedora, give the Scally Cap a test run. If it fails, don’t try again.
Style: 9 Comfort: 7 Versatility: 6
What the hat says: “Gimmie 3 Guinness and a brawl with an asshole…Please.”
Not a big fan of the direction beanies have been going in these past few years. Fucking hipsters and skate rats. It’s not a bad look in the winter time with a nice frosty pair of Ray-Bans, but the majority of people wearing them definitely hang out at coffee shops and fuck their mediocre hippy girlfriends.
Style: 3 Comfort: 9 Versatility: 7
What the hat says: “Oh dude, you gotta check out this local band.”
Bomber hats are absolutely fucking sick. Obviously it’s an outdoor winter hat, but it’s easily the best choice for cold weather headwear. Comfort level and warmth of these things is comparable to a gently used vagina. Feel free to get as wild as possible with your Bomber hat selection. These things can do no wrong.
Style: 8 Comfort: 10 Versatility: 4
What the hat says: “Ice fishing and fucking, baby. Ice fishing and fucking.”
No, bro. Absolutely not. Under no circumstances. Cowboy hats are strictly for chicks. Unless you’re a famous country musician, don’t wear a fucking Cowboy hat. Most cowboys don’t even wear Cowboy hats. Easily one of the tackiest moves you can make. If you’re ever in a situation where you think it’d be appropriate to wear a Cowboy hat, quickly dismiss the idea and hate yourself for even thinking it.
Style: 2 Comfort: 4 Versatility: 1
What the hat says: “I don’t have enough game to get laid at country concerts.”
Unless your parents didn’t love you, you probably had a few of these growing up. If the Fisherman hat hasn’t already made a comeback, it will be soon. You can bet your life on that. So perfect for a day spent floating around a lake with your bros. It’s not that stylish, but it’s still a killer hat. Especially when it’s sunny as fuck out and you forgot to slap a little SPF 30 on your nose. Might have to pick one of these up on my way home today.
Style: 6 Comfort: 9 Versatility: 4
What the hat says: “What the fuck is going on? Dude… I’m tripping.”
So there you have it. If you have any feedback, let me know on Twitter @ec_508. Unless you’re wearing a Cowboy hat. Cowboy hat guys can go fuck themselves.