Now, by high-end sneakers, I mean that you paid over $70 for them. Fresh Nikes. Jordans. Shit like that. Honestly, if you’re wearing sneakers, they’re the only option. Shelling out $90 for a nice flashy pair of kicks is a great investment. Especially when you wear them in a way that doesn’t make them stand out. Such an “Oh, these old things?” move. Chicks fucking love that shit. Just make sure you keep them clean. Wearing dirty high-end sneakers is a total Sinbad thing to do.
Style: 9 Comfort: 8 Versatility: 8
What they say: “I know you wanna blow me, but you’re gonna hafta get in line like every other chick.”
You’ve gotta be a certified lunatic to think you can wear plain sneakers and still get laid. Unless you have a girlfriend and just don’t care, your dick will always remain dry rocking those mediocre kicks. When was the last time you heard a chick say “Omg, I wanna fuck that kid. You know, the one wearing the Adidas shell tops.” Exactly. Never. Step up your game, bro. Shit is fucking weak.
Style: 4 Comfort: 7 Versatility: 5
What they say: “Hi, I work nights at a warehouse and pay for porn.”
Boat shoes are fucking KILLER. Absolute staple in footwear. Stylish, yet casual. They can be a little pricey, but the older they get, the better they look. Plus, they literally go with anything. They’re about as close to the perfect shoe as you can get. Great with shorts. Great with jeans. Shit, you could walk around a boardwalk in a speedo while rocking a pair of boat shoes and probably still pull tail. Bottom line: great shoes.
Style: 9 Comfort: 8 Versatility: 10
What they say: “I’ve had a threesome on a boat before, and it won’t be the last time.”
Gotta be careful with flip flops. Obviously they’re the only logical choice for the beach, but once you start wearing them out to bars, there’s a gray area. I guess it’s all about personal choice with flops. Personally, I don’t mind flip flops with a nice dark pair of jeans. It’s more casual than stylish, but it works. I’m not saying it’s the right move, but if I’m not wearing boat shoes in the summer, I’m wearing flip flops. Again, personal choice here.
Style: 6 Comfort: 4 Versatility: 6
What they say: “I didn’t shower before I hit the bar, but I was at the beach today, so it’s totally acceptable.”
Nice fucking mandals, hippie. If you want to wear Birkenstocks, go ahead, but don’t blame me when you’re sexy hippie girlfriend wants to ride shotgun in my car after last call. I mean, they might be comfortable, but I wouldn’t know, because like all other respectable people, I’ve never owned a pair. The only people who can get away with wearing mandals are still in kindergarten, and that’s only because it would be illegal for me to punch them in the stomach.
Style: 3 Comfort: ?? Versatility: 3
What they say: “Shit! I must have left my hacky sack in my other camo cargo shorts!”
I have a problem with work boots. I really do. Unless you work construction, and you’re getting an after work Budweiser, don’t wear fucking work boots. You’re not on the high school hockey team anymore, asshole. Work boots were made to be beat to shit, and that’s exactly what they’ll do to your sex life. Plus, they’re fucking huge. They’re like manila rollerblades without the wheels. What’re you trying to prove? I know all the gangstas out there are gonna disagree because they love their ‘Tims’, but seriously, get some fucking Jordans or something. Tupac is dead and he’s not coming back.
Side note: Most of the people who wear work boots to the bar could beat the shit out of me, so this is probably the only chance I’ll ever have to speak my mind about them.
Style: 3 Comfort: 5 Versatility: 2
What they say: “You want a beer? I’ve got a stash of warm Heinekens in my truck.”
If I was going to pick up one of my bros to hit the bar, and he came down the stairs in a pair of these goofy pieces of shit, I’d lock the door and drive off without him. Seriously? Did you just do a cannonball into your closet and walk out with whatever wound up on your feet? Fucking pathetic, bro. Clean it up. My 4 year old nephew wears Converse All-Stars, and there’s a 1,000% chance he’s getting laid before you.
Style: 3 Comfort: 6 Versatility: 4
What they say: “Can’t wait for Warped Tour! Gonna get so many useless autographs from people no one has ever heard of.”
Style: 0 Comfort: Who fucking cares? Versatility: 0
What they say: “My bitchy wife thought it would be ‘cute’ if I got shoes that matched all 3 of our bratty kids, and I’m too much of a pussy to stand up to her.”
Unless you have an office job, you’re probably not too familiar with desert boots. Perfect for a business casual style. While stylish, they still let the sluts know that you’ve either fired a gun before or have an awesome steak marinade recipe. I wear them to work, mainly because I think shiny dress shoes look fucking stupid, but we’ll get to those next. I don’t, I guess this is a personal choice like flip-flops, but in my opinion, they’re a prime footwear choice.
Style: 8 Comfort: 6 Versatility: 7
What they say: “Yes sir, the Johnson account is all set. No sir, I was not out until 4:30 a.m. drinking gin and having unprotected sex.”
Now obviously these are the go-to choice for weddings and formal events and shit, but I’m talking about wearing them out to the bars. Some may disagree, but I think it’s a fucking shitty look. Shiny ass shoes with a pair of jeans? C’mon bro. That’s the best you could do? Shit just looks so unnatural. So many other options to go with when you’re hunting for classy pussy. The only time I’m on board with dress shoes is if you’re wearing a killer power suit and crushing martinis after a long day at the law firm. Sleeves cuffed. Tie loosened. Wedding ring in the cup holder of your Audi.
Style: 9 Comfort: 4 Versatility: 3
What they say: “Power suit. Power tie. Power steering. You feel me?”
Now I trashed on the cowboy hat pretty bad, and I got to say, the cowboy boots aren’t any better. I’m not going to totally shit on them, only because I think it’s hilarious when dudes are wearing them. Keep in mind, I’m from Boston, so the only guys who wear cowboy boots are the guys who want to be a rugged southern cowboy so bad that they’ll sacrifice all previous fashion knowledge. And if they’re wearing cowboy boots, they’re definitely wearing a cowboy hat, too. I’m going to go ahead and retract everything I said about the cowboy hat. Wear the fuck out of them. Just make sure you’re wearing cowboy boots, too. You may think you’re being serious when you leave the house, but everyone knows you’re not.
Style: 3 Comfort: 3 Versatility: 1
What they say: “I spent $400 on Jason Aldean tickets in hopes that I can find a drunk fat chick in the parking lot who will let me finger her.”
So there you have it. Straight from the fashionista’s mouth. And you know it’s true, because I’m a certified 7, and if I ever contracted aids, it would take me a week to call all the sluts who gave it up at the sight of my footwear. Any feedback? Let me hear it on Twitter (ec_508). Thanks for reading, assholes.