See that tank up there? See that monster boner you're currently sporting? They're connected.
Without further ado, my first list since I became the most hated person in Maryland, North Carolina, Connecticut, etc. on Wednesday:
10. Beefeater Pizza Oven, $250
Perhaps the most pointless of all the objects in this post, the Beefeater is nevertheless pretty cool. A grilltop pizza oven that enables you to make professional-style pies, the Beefeater is a replacement for the traditional 4 or 5 burner grill, and the set includes a pizza stone, paddle accessories, and a temperature gauge. It's all very serious and will undoubtedly impress the LADIEZZ, but you're still going to look like an idiot when you're spinning the pizza dough in the air.
9. Baseball Bat Flashlight, $36
Even the most peaceful among us has secretly harbored dreams of beating up Occupy Wall Street protesters with a nightstick. While we cannot in good faith support doing that—at all—this baseball bat flashlight will let you play out your cop fantasy, while also acting as an appropriate weapon to protect the house. It's a flashlight and a baseball bat! What more do you need?
Possibly the greatest item ever created for a football tailgate, the Beer Hunter Jacket contains what appears to be 78 insulated pockets, perfect for carrying 40s and beers and other kinds of cold goodness. And is it snazzy looking? Oh yeah. Geekologie (not incorrectly) says it looks a little like a homeless person's jacket, which it should. It's a fucking jacket designed to hold 40s.
7. Fire-Powered Cell Phone Charger, $129
If "Parks & Recreation's" Ron Swanson had a cell phone, this would be his charger. "Quick to light, fast to boil, and easy to use," the fire-powered cell phone charger—I repeat, "fire-powered cell phone charger"—converts heat into electricity, allowing you to charge your iPhone while also cooking the salmon you just caught. It's utterly ridiculous, probably only applicable to the lives of 10 people, and yet, strangely, a must-have item.
6. Dewars Travel Bag, $150
If you're going to travel, travel like a real cultured bastard. This is a travel bag designed specifically to hold Dewars, but it can also handle your lowly bottle of Jim Beam, as well as a shave kit, toothbrush, and other toiletries. Drinking the Dewars at the same time you brush your teeth, however, is not recommended.
5. Adidas Adicross II Golf Shoes, $80
J. Camm is our resident "stylish" golfer here, and he swears by his Adidas shoes. They're lightweight, comfortable, and the new spikes provide better traction—not to mention look better—than the soft spikes of old. The new Adicross II shoes also continue to move away from the old brown-on-white style of stodgy Footjoys and its ilk that have plagued old-school golf shoes for decades. These might as well be normal, non-golf kicks.
4. DAS HORN, $First Born Viking Child
It's a horn and you drink out of it. It's Friday, I've got nothing.
3. Moto TC Monster, $59.99
The Moto TC Monster is sort of the Internet search history of things on the list. You don't really care about any of your guy friends seeing it, but most women would probably be horrified by it. Anyway, here are the details: The Moto is operated by an app on your iPhone, allowing you to steer either by "sliding your finger across the display in a particular path," using a virtual steering wheel, or using your phone's gyroscope (which sounds mad cool). It also runs 18 continuous minutes on one charge.
Any guy out there is lying to himself if he says he has no interest in playing with this.
Sneakerheads have been saying for years now that New Balance has some of the most underrated kicks out there. This new pair has a hiker feel while still keeping the familiar 574 shape.
1. Otokar Cobra, TBD
I'm... not really sure how this is technically legal, but if you qualify, you can actually buy a tank from Turkish military contractor Otokar.
From Gear Patrol:
The Turkish bus company and military contractor (huh?) developed the Cobra to take on numerous forms, including (but not limited to) the Cobra Closed Turret Personnel Carrier, the Cobra Amphibious Vehicle (Somali pirates beware), The Cobra Armored Ambulance and our personal favorite, the Cobra Command (Yo, Joe!) and Control Vehicle. The Cobra is based on a Humvee chassis, but takes a robust approach through available ballistic protection, a 40mm twin gun turret, a potent turbo diesel V8 engine, permanent four wheel drive with central tire inflation and a lockable transfer case. No word on whether or not there’s a package specifically designed to make your daughter’s loser boyfriend crap his pants. Maybe that’s just overkill.
Otokar also helpfully points out that this model is "preferred by many armies." I fear for the seed that I've just planted in the minds of many of you.