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The 15 Most Outlandish Wall Street Indulgences

By / 09.24.10

1. Mega Yachts

I go out on Boston Whalers to crush Natty light, so my life is pretty high-roller. Andrey Melnichenk, however, sails a yacht, cleverly named “A,” that is 394 feet of salt-water sex. There is a pool that can be switched from fresh-water to salt with a button. The banister alone cost $60,000 and the walls are covered in silver-leaf. The master suit where Melnichenk must lay significant pipe measures 2,583 feet and is covered in bomb-proof, 44-millimeter glass (he is Russian after all…). His bed rotates and a platter beneath the bed does as well, allowing him different angles to view the sunset (this guy could look like Waffles and still pound 919s all day). Curious about what his business is? One news outlet called him a “banking, steel, fertilizer czar” — I think in Russian that loosely translates to he bribed a lot of people to let him control the country, but, then again, Rosseta Stone is for pussies.

2. Construction Art

Ray Dalio, owner of the hedge fund Bridgewater Associates, is a living legend. Worth $4 billion, according to Forbes, he is known for significant charity work… and throwing benefit concerts featuring the Allman Brothers and Dave Matthews Band. At his hedge fund, he wears a name tag and is known to always be easily accessible. O.K., intro bullshit aside: While building his new mansion in Greenwich, Conn., Dalio realized that his neighbors may not want to see sweaty construction-worker ass cracks all day as they dine on the Long Island Sound. His solution? Higher an artist to paint a life-size painting of how his house will look when completed.

3. $35,000-a-Night Hotel Rooms

After a long night of controlling finance and sexually harassing secretaries (oh, sorry, “executive assistants”), Wall Street tycoons need a place to rest their heads. In comes the Ty Warner Penthouse at the NYC Four Seasons. The pad offers 360-degree views of Manhattan in rooms with 25-foot ceilings. The guests also are treated to every TV channel worldwide (North Korean adult entertainment is the tits, bro) along with a personal butler/trailer/chauffeur. There are other amazing features like the $33,000 Swedish Hastens mattress, which takes 160 man hours to make, and just five minutes to defile with some hot-and-heavy hooker sex.

4. Dolphin Hyrdofoil Personal Watercrafts

I don't think Kenny Powers would let his nephew within a hundred feet of this above-water jetski of sorts, which has been purchased by 35 (yes, 35) different finance players. I read some boring stats on this thing involving physics, but the most important aspect is that the “wings” lift the hull above the water as your ride. Jesus may have walked on water, but now you can propel a few inches above it with a slampiece on the back.

5. $1-Billion Homes

Read that again. This crib, named “Antilla,” is the new fiefdom of Mukesh Ambani, the richest man in India. Perched at 570 feet above downtown Mumbai, India, it boasts a six-level garage for 168 cars. Every member of the family will have their own personal health club, while the house staff will number around 600. He should just hire all of Arizona State's sorority girls to be the servants.{pagebreak}

6. Private Islands

Richard Branson is somewhat of a hero around the office. The guy flows like he's an 18-year-old D-1 Laxer, and has total smokebombs for daughters (as witnessed on “Entourage”). Apart from that, the dude owns the amazing 73.5-acre private Necker Island. Of course, there are more expensive private islands than his, but their owners did not breed well (not hot daughters) and don't exude the bro-ness that seeps out of Branson. Check out the “Necker Nymph” available on Branson's island: It is the world's first three-person aero submarine. In between getting treated by the Island's first-rate staff, you can submarine around and look for Somalian Pirates.

7. I'm On a Boat: With a Laser

Another Russian Billionaire on a yacht. I'm getting bored with them and their vodka and OddJob ways (yes, Goldeneye, that bastard was so little you could just sneak in the secret walls in the Bunker 2 level). Roman Abramovich, an oligarch, is planning a high-tech anti-paparazzi shield on his new seafaring vessel (measuring 557 feet) which consists of a laser to block all photographs. Waffles could have used this when we caught him whale hunting at a local bar recently.

8. 747 Private Jets

Private jets are cool, and everyone knows a NetJets hat with the plane call sign on the side has been used many times to snag a babe. But next time you're flying JetBlue and thinking you're killing the game with a tray table that doesn't brush your nutsack every time you move, think about The Sultan of Brunei and his Boeing 747-430. This poonhound took a 747 and decorated it with sinks made of solid gold and Lalique crystal (I'm assuming some wet panty-inducing brand). To make you even more jealous, this is just one of an arsenal of jets the Sultan owns.

9. Big Game Lands

Paul Tudor Jones, a hedge fund legend from my alma mater, runs his fund out of Greenwich. When he's not dominating the markets, or jumping between his Manhattan apartment, Florida Keys estate, or Zimbabwe retreat, he can head over to his luxury hotel in Tanzania. Tudor purchased the land in 2003 in an area where everyone with a gun was poaching big game. Tudor did some good, turned it around, and made the land a tourist hub. Named “Singita Grumeti Reserves,” the tents are air-conditioned and crystal chandeliers are evident throughout the camp. Details aside, you can hunt big, bad-ass game and not swat 80 mosquitoes an hour.

10. Expensive Perks

I'm not sure I'm the person to speak to about business ethics, and I for sure know that Dennis Kozlowski is no expert on the subject. The former CEO of Tyco used the company's funds for his own indulgences, including his $30 million New York City apartment. Amenities? How about a $6,000 shower curtain (wonder if he ever tossed any ropes on that one…) and a $15,000 “dog umbrella stand.” Apart from that, he is notorious for having Tyco fund half of his second wife's (love it!) 40th birthday party at $2 million. The party, located on the Island of Sardinia, had an ice sculpture of the Statue of David pissing Stolichnaya vodka. I thought iced luges were cool. To even step up the game more, people were in Roman-esque orgy attire: so basically Tyco funded a booze-fueled rich-guy swinger party. Legendary.

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11. Wine Collections

I personally am not one of those people who pretends to know wine, question the waiter about the cork (um, it's f*cking made of cork?), proceed to swill it in my teeth like an eager adult entertainment star, or anything of that nature. But, I love ballers, as we know. Joe Grano Jr., the former head of UBS Wealth Management really digs wine. Grano has a 3,400-bottle collection housed in a cellar of Jerusalem floors and imported French brick walls. His oval tasting room has 20-foot ceilings where he can cry as some d-bag guest downs his 1870 Lafite Rothschild ($20k a bottle).

12. Giant TVs

Just the other day Waffles was talking about his extensive adult entertainment collection and how he couldn't fully enjoy it on his laptop. Well, Mr. McButter, get to know to the panasonic 103-inch Plasma HDTV. I know everyone will say, “Yeah but my friend has a movie theatre in his house.” This isn't about a projector, it's about a giant TV. This TV costs about $70,000. Best part of all this is how they put a little Asian lady next to it to really emphasize its height.

13. Personal Links

You can't always keep all the fun. James Packer, once Australia's wealthiest man suffered some setbacks during the financial crisis. He owned the largest open superyacht in the world (Mangusta 165), which comes with a complementary Aston Martin V12 Vanquish. However, one of his most amazing purchases is the 18-hole Greg Norman-designed golf course on his property that he has kept in perfect shape (including rotating pin placement). Add that to his $38 million London residence and I cannot feel bad for him. I just hope he has a daughter hotter than a 3 that I can show my chivalry to.

14. Fast Cars

Canadian steel trader Alex Schnaider decided it wasn't enough fun to watch Formula Racing, so he decided to buy his own team for $50 million in 2005. Schnaider purchased the Jordan Grand Prix team, and only owned it for a year. Just how I like my women… one and done.

15. Chemistry Labs

Money manager Jeffrey Epstein is a nerd. To keep that status, he funds a team of Nobel Prize winning scientists to do experiments. What experiments? Who knows, but basically he runs a privately funded chemistry set. Insane. He also owns “Little Saint James,” a 70-acre private island in the Virgin Islands. Cool? Yeah, until you read he was plead guilty to soliciting an underage girl for prostitution…


TAGSbig-screen tvsBillionairesGordon Gekkomega yachtsrich brorich guyswall streetwall street 2yachts
Eric Armas
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