"Wall Street 2: The Money Never Sleeps" opens tonight, and with Gordon Gekko finally out of jail, and that skinny dude from "Transformers" trying to be his protege, I thought it necessary to explore the most baller indulgences of some prominent Wall Street power players. I'm not talking about some str*pper ripping double-black-diamond ski slopes off their junk; I'm thinking more along the lines of taking a f*cking helicopter to work. You could be like this turd and ask all the creeps on the Internet, or just watch me break it down.
1. Mega Yachts
I go out on Boston Whalers to crush Natty light, so my life is pretty high-roller. Andrey Melnichenk, however, sails a yacht, cleverly named "A," that is 394 feet of salt-water sex. There is a pool that can be switched from fresh-water to salt with a button. The banister alone cost $60,000 and the walls are covered in silver-leaf. The master suit where Melnichenk must lay significant pipe measures 2,583 feet and is covered in bomb-proof, 44-millimeter glass (he is Russian after all...). His bed rotates and a platter beneath the bed does as well, allowing him different angles to view the sunset (this guy could look like Waffles and still pound 919s all day). Curious about what his business is? One news outlet called him a "banking, steel, fertilizer czar" — I think in Russian that loosely translates to he bribed a lot of people to let him control the country, but, then again, Rosseta Stone is for pussies.
2. Construction Art
Ray Dalio, owner of the hedge fund Bridgewater Associates, is a living legend. Worth $4 billion, according to Forbes, he is known for significant charity work… and throwing benefit concerts featuring the Allman Brothers and Dave Matthews Band. At his hedge fund, he wears a name tag and is known to always be easily accessible. O.K., intro bullshit aside: While building his new mansion in Greenwich, Conn., Dalio realized that his neighbors may not want to see sweaty construction-worker ass cracks all day as they dine on the Long Island Sound. His solution? Higher an artist to paint a life-size painting of how his house will look when completed.
3. $35,000-a-Night Hotel Rooms
After a long night of controlling finance and sexually harassing secretaries (oh, sorry, "executive assistants"), Wall Street tycoons need a place to rest their heads. In comes the Ty Warner Penthouse at the NYC Four Seasons. The pad offers 360-degree views of Manhattan in rooms with 25-foot ceilings. The guests also are treated to every TV channel worldwide (North Korean adult entertainment is the tits, bro) along with a personal butler/trailer/chauffeur. There are other amazing features like the $33,000 Swedish Hastens mattress, which takes 160 man hours to make, and just five minutes to defile with some hot-and-heavy hooker sex.
4. Dolphin Hyrdofoil Personal Watercrafts
I don't think Kenny Powers would let his nephew within a hundred feet of this above-water jetski of sorts, which has been purchased by 35 (yes, 35) different finance players. I read some boring stats on this thing involving physics, but the most important aspect is that the "wings" lift the hull above the water as your ride. Jesus may have walked on water, but now you can propel a few inches above it with a slampiece on the back.
5. $1-Billion Homes
Read that again. This crib, named "Antilla," is the new fiefdom of Mukesh Ambani, the richest man in India. Perched at 570 feet above downtown Mumbai, India, it boasts a six-level garage for 168 cars. Every member of the family will have their own personal health club, while the house staff will number around 600. He should just hire all of Arizona State's sorority girls to be the servants.