Anyone can go to a party store and slap together some vaguely flag-themed items for their Fourth of July decorations, but a true patriot cultivates a collection of unconventional history and culture. If you’re truly proud to be an American, you’re preparing for Independence Day by searching high and low for patriotic paraphernalia that declares your independence and fuels your pursuit for happiness at the same time.
If Thomas Jefferson had a time machine and internet access, this is what he’d buy:
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a flying pig! The intricate detail of this stars-and-stripped wrapped swine hood ornament loses some patriotic points for its clear ability to fly in the face of good taste. However, attached to a classic car and cruising down a parade route, it could regain some credibility.
Looking for a way to keep kids away from your helium tank? This vintage Yankee Doodle Dandy head is creepy enough to double as a scarecrow. Why is he wearing lipstick? Don’t ask. Just try not to think about it.
The two things the pure patriot loves best are his/her truck and the American flag. The combination of the two into this perfect presentation of patriotic pride scores plenty of points. Grab your American-made automobile, wrap it with this symbol of freedom and hit the open road.
This Anheuser-Busch commemorative Revolutionary War Stein hits the patriotism scale on so many notes, it’s hard to know where to start. From the King of American beers to the depiction of the Bunker Hill, Princeton, Saratoga and Yorktown battles, swigging a Budweiser from this pewter beauty puts patriotism in its proper place.
The ultimate patriot babe, Patriot Barbie has her very own Liberty Bell, making her sure to be the belle of any Fourth of July ball. Bonus points for turning the traditional blonde into a brunette beauty, because historically all Revolutionary War heroines were serious and homely (not fun-loving and blonde).
Walk into any event looking strictly business with your stars and stripes briefcase…until you unfold it into a beer pong table! Combining the American traditions of drinking and throwing things, this patriotic beer pong table merges a few of our nation’s favorite past times into one easy-to carry-package.
Our forefathers fought valiantly for our right to bare arms. Or is it bear arms? I don’t know, that whole homonyms thing is confusing, but as Americans we can do both. So, free your arms in this patriotic tank. It’s what Ben Franklin would’ve wanted.
“I can not tell a lie,” declares an over-sized paper mache ax as it leans against the world’s most misshapen cherry tree trunk. What patriot wouldn’t want to eat candy with a tiny, guilt-stricken George Washington as his witness.
One of the leading Patriots of the Revolutionary war era (not to mention owner of the most famous signature on the Declaration of Independence), apparently was not above chasing expense reports from bureaucrats in the Massachusetts government. In this rare letter, signed in the third person as “Governor,” John Hancock is demanding an account of expenses from the Commissary General.
Nothing says “independence” like a grown man dressed like our symbol of liberty, an American eagle. Perfect for sporting events, Halloween and 4th of July parties, this multi-purpose costume will make you an instant hero while also terrifying small children–so, it’s an investment, really.
It’s not a scene from Hitchcock’s “The Birds.” Bird attacks are apparently just a casualty of letting freedom ring! Hang this decorative plate on your wall and question why there’s even such a thing as plates that aren’t food safe.
Hot-diggity dog! While apple pie reigns supreme as the most patriotic dessert, the hot dog is in hot competition for main course of choice. This six-foot tall statue scores top patriotism points for its sheer scale, plus, turn it around to reveal the American Flag painted on his back. Just what every bun needs.
Of course, if you display this in your front yard, you should probably have a matching hat. It’s the perfect headgear for everything from ballgames to jury duty selection.