What exactly are Liquid Lapdance pants? Bro... We're glad you asked. According to the product's marketing materials, it's the world's first underpant designed specifically for lap dances. Well what the hell does that mean? Basically, these undergarments do special things with your junk (think duck-and-tuck) so that when you get a lap dance, it "feels like two lubed ass-cheeks sliding up and down." It then proceeds to safely and discreetly conceal your post-orgasam spunk. Depending on your point of view, that's either revolutionary or creepy in a scuzzy, omg-I-have-to-take-a-shower-now type of way.
Jezebel, appropriately, is calling Liquid Lapdance pants "like Depends for bros."
Liquid Lapdance, in their own words:
Liquid Lapdance is worn by men, underneath the clothing. Each pair has a soft, latex extension in front to caress and stimulate the male anatomy. Add a squirt of lube, and you're ready for the best lap dance of your life.
1. They moisturize and lubricate your penis. A moisturized penis is more sensitive than a dry penis. As the dancer glides her body over yours, you will feel her much more intensely. One reviewer described it as the difference between standard and high definition.
2. They provide you with the space to get fully-erect. Most underwear is not designed to be worn when you're rock hard. Ours is. Expand in comfort.
3. They take the pain out of lap dances. Dry lap dances can be quite painful. Many guys avoid lap dances for this reason. Liquid Lapdance takes the pain out of lap dances. We've tested them with big butts, bony butts and even granny butts! No pain, our testers still made it rain! LL is designed for the grind!
4. They contain your semen. When a guy has an orgasm during a lap dance, it can be quite awkward if he's not wearing Liquid Lapdance. A wet stain typically forms on the guy's crotch, and semen may get on the dancer, where it is often unwelcome. With Liquid Lapdance, you can relax and fully-enjoy the orgasm without worrying about minimizing or containing ejaculation as you might in regular underwear.
How about some product testimonials? Let's go!
"Feels like two lubed ass-cheeks sliding up and down."
"Imagine a pair of oiled titties bouncing up and down your cock."
"I wouldn't say it felt like sex. More like a blow job, a hand job, whacking off, anal sex, and titty-fucking all in one."
"Kinda like fucking a really loose pussy."
"Makes lap dances twice as good." - Sean, AZ
"Now I get it. Lap Dances can be THAT good." - Lawrence, NY
"This thing is gonna blow up. Brilliant! Love it! Feels better than dry dances." - Frankie, NV
"Our bachelor party will go down in history as one of the best. Sixteen guys walked into the (strip club) ALL wearing Liquid Lapdance. It was HILARIOUS. Dances felt so good I'd have let the groom sit on my lap... ALMOST!" - Mark, LA
"I literally sat home because I didn't have any Liqs. I don't even want to go to the strip club without them anymore."
"Yes, have generally busted everytime. Came once after two dances, but usually takes three. There are some variables that come into play that can impact the time it takes to cum, such as how long the girl grinds on you without taking a break, but if you get a good dancer that grinds well and stays on your cock, I think cumming in 2-3 dances is realistic."
In a blog post on their site, the founders of Liquid Lapdance describe their vision for the product:
A guy is having a great time at a strip club. He has a connection with a girl. They've been talking for awhile, and he starts to get aroused. He's about to get a lap dance when the girl asks, "Would you like a lap dance, or a Liquid Lapdance?" The guy says, "What's a Liquid Lapdance?". The girl hands him a little package and says, "Go into the bathroom and put these on."
The guy goes into the bathroom and opens the package. He finds a special pair of underwear, a little packet of lotion, and some simple instructions. He squirts the lotion into the underwear and spreads it around. He puts the underwear. They feel great. He buttons up his pants and walks out.
The girl is waiting for him outside the door. She grabs his hand and takes him to the VIP. They start with a long hug, and then he sits down and she straddles him. She glides her body over his. He feels everything like it's happening in high definition. It feels like they're both oiled up and she's rubbing her naked body all over his naked penis.
She dances on him for what seems like hours, but it's only a few minutes. He's so turned on, time seems to stand still. He's been at the edge of orgasm for the last few songs. Finally, he's ready to explode. He grabs her hips and thrusts upward a few times. That's all it takes and he's exploding. The orgasm is long and intense. Her pussy is sliding up and down his shaft. After six or seven intense spasms, she's drained every drop of cum from his cock.
She stops dancing and lays on him for a few minutes, exhausted. They're both sweaty. He doesn't worry about a cum stain or wet spot in his pants. He knows his cum is safely inside his LLs. He doesn't worry about ANYTHING. He kept it fun and safe and legal. Even if his wife finds out, it's not that big a deal.
They hold hands on the way out of the VIP. He stops into the bathroom, unties his LLs, and throws them into the garbage. There's no more cleanup necessary.
This is our vision. Many guys have reported similar experiences with our product. (Some of the language above is taken from reports we've seen online).
There is a video demo you can watch over on their website, but it's pretty NSFW since it's basically a dude getting his rocks off to a stripper grinding all over his junk. Three packs are available for $36. There's also a Stelth Mode packaging option designed to hide Liquid Lapdance pants from your wife or girlfriend. The packaging looks like this:
You may be thinking, "My wife knows I would never buy a European Penis Bath". However, the LL Stealth Pack is designed with female psychology in mind.
Women spend billions each year on beauty products. They purchase creams, perfumes, douches, and deodorants. Why shouldn't you do this one little thing to make your man-area fresh for her?
She'll think it's sweet. She may even wrap the package back up, pretend she never saw your little secret, and reward you with a loving BJ when you walk through the door.
The LL Stealth pack contains everything you need to use Liquid Lapdance (Lap Dance Pants + unmarked lube packages). The package contains no mention of Liquid Lapdance, lap dances, strippers, strip clubs, etc.. The disguise is complete and perfect, even upon close examination. We will send you the real instructions by email.
Awesome, gross, or just generally WTF?!