Hey Bros! Boatshoe Bobby here. I’ve been drinking gimlets in Nantucket all summer, asking all the blondes on the island the most enduring question of our time: What rhymes with hug me? The results have been baffling: It’s almost like these Sigma Kappas have never had anyone ask them to touch their elbows behind their backs back in the day. But now that Labor Day is over, I’m back from that little Gray Lady of the Sea, grinding in the 9-to-5 as a paralegal at my dad’s law firm. You know what that means, right? Guilt-free dicking off on his company’s dime, bitching in the BroBible comment section about the lack of NSFW pics, and not giving a damn about job security. That’s something middle managers with state school educations care about.
Today I’m here to talk about an epidemic that’s running rampant in Bro culture, one that might be considerably worse than “The Great Whiskey Dick Plague of ’10”: Repugnant boat shoe odor. It’s the equivlant of swamp-ass for the feet. Sperry Stink is truly a modern Bro dilemma, with many-a chaying Bro being rejected by the hottest biddies in the land thanks to the stench of their feet. After a summer of hard livin’ in those Sperrys, September is the month a Bro’s boat shoes tend to get the most putrid. They’ve been collecting spilt beer and ballpark urinal afterflow for months, so who knows what kind of foot-gonorrhea is growing between the laces down there. To keep your Sperrys looking and smelling fresh, here are 17 super-clutch lifehacks to eliminate the dreaded Sperry Stink.
All credit goes to Reddit’s very few frat stars.
“Take out the sole and replace it with something that isn’t leather. I’ve used Dr. Scholls in the past and it worked fairly well.” — jlw525
“Get a couple pairs and rotate. Just letting them dry for a full 24 hours does wonders. This goes for dress shoes as well.” — cowboyhaze
“Dryer sheets over night. Works like a charm.” — DustyGoDucks
“Freeze them. Apparently it kills the bacteria causing the odor. I’ve tried it and it works for a while but the smell will come back eventually.” — reekomds
“Gold bond foot powder, works like a charm. Also, don’t be afraid to wear socks with them. Mainly when you’re wearing long pants cause shorts, socks and sperrys will kind of make you look like an asshole” — 369DAMNyoFINE
“Shin-high Socks with sperrys is pretty fucking popular in Charleston. Still trying to figure out why. Also, I wear loafer socks with my sperrys. It’s a good way to go if you don’t scrub your feet well enough or just have smelly ass feet” — FLHCv2
“I put these odor eater things in them. They’re insoles and kill all odor, including keeping your feet fresh.” — nofatchicksever
I want more like this!
Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.