Let's all sit back and take a break from doping cyclists and imaginary girlfriends. It's time to take a look at 10 items we want, told with all the passion of Manti Te'o talking about Internet love. (Shit! Did it again.)
Sony Xperia Z, $TBA
Sony hyped this nice looking phone as an iPhone killer at CES last week, and it certainly has the design (all-glass) and the specs (top-of-the-line Android capabilities, 2 GB of RAM, fast-moving interface) to be that mythical slayer. However, after considerable thought, we're most excited about its water-proof features. Do you know how many lives this will make better? How much money in wasted rice this will save? Because do you know just how many people drop their phones in the toilet every single day? (A lot.)
Pebble Smartwatch, $150
Pros: This is a not-that-expensive "app watch" that allows you to check Facebook, read messages, and pull up your email on a watch. You can even see who's calling your cell phone.
Massive, massive Con: You'll never, ever get away with pretending like you didn't see that important email from your professor/boss again.
I consider myself a pretty open-minded guy, but I can never get behind hardcore vegetarianism or veganism. You're already responsible for the deaths of many animals if you live in a home or apartment; ditto if you ever travel on a road. What possible major difference are you making if you decide to not eat them? How is this a pin in your hemp cap?
Anyway, much like a devout Baptist puts a massive Bible on his coffee table, I'm buying this bad boy and sticking it on mine. Just to let people know where I stand religiously. And that religion is kosher with epic meal times.
Yeah, I'd never wear them and I'm a Panthers fan—but if you're an athlete, looking to stand out on the field, and are extremely comfortable in your sexuality, the Under Amour Cam Newton Trainers look to be a good bet. Hell, once you wear them, you might even get 180k to go play at Mississippi State!
Well, this should go well. The Vaportini is a device that heats up booze to the point of vaporization, allowing you to breathe in alcohol and feel the effects immediately, rather than on a digestion-caused delayed schedule. The makers recommend only using this twice a day, which is an admirable bit of self-delusion on their parts.
Chalkboard Door Hanger, $8.99
Still in college and stuck with a roommate? Put this on your doorknob when you're back with a girl. Write on it, "HAVING SEX." Way classier than a whiteboard/sock.
NHL Accelerator Line, $Various
Hockey's back! If you can go see a game this week, dust off one of your old shirts or jerseys OR get something from the new Reebok Accelerator line. They're...
Actually, scratch that. Don't give any of those assholes any of your money. They nearly ruined the season. Instead, go on eBay and buy, like, a 1999 Vincent Lecavalier jersey. Never improved upon.
Sound Cylinder, $199
Pretty self-explanatory—you attach this to your iPad or laptop, and voila! You're now able to blast XVideos at an uncomfortably high level.
Adoboloco Hot Sauce, $8 per bottle
Lotta "hype" around this brand of hot sauce. Really "buzzworthy," with "tremendous upside potential." The Bradley Beal of hot sauces.
A couple of weeks ago I trumpeted the Quadrofoil as a nice purchase for your watersport needs. That was dumb. The Hoverwing clearly blows the Quadrofoil out of the water, which... there's a joke there...
For when having the ability to travel by both land and water in one vehicle just doesn't cut it, Hoverwing by Universal Hovercraft offers a simple solution: just add wings. Designed to travel over various terrains (and water), this hovercraft is also able to take flight up to about 20 feet, with a cruising altitude over water of around 3 feet, thanks to its removable wings.
No pilot license is needed to operate this bad boy, but it does need to be registered as a boat. Made of Kevlar and carbon fiber with a foam core, Hoverwing is pretty heavy-duty. It can lug payloads up to 600 lbs and reach cruising speeds of 75 mph over rough water. Not one to sacrifice style for performance, Hoverwing has an enclosed, climate-controlled cockpit with removable doors for summer cruisin'.
Something tells me after last night's episode that Archer would commandeer one of these for ISIS, pimp it out with a wet bar, then crash it in spectacular fashion. I can only hope that you would do the same.