In lieu of an intro, here's that dog dancing to "Shake That" again. You're welcome.
Looking past the fact that it took me around 15 minutes to figure out how to make that pound sign up there, this English Kickstarter project COULD just be the way for you to stand out during one of the summer's 8,000 EDM music festivals. "Rave Shades" is a pair of glasses with 160 LED lights attached—the lights display scrolling text and customized animations, and they're guaranteed to act as a homing beacon for any girl rolling face and standing in your immediate vicinity.
Disclaimer: Do not actually put these together while rolling face. There's some DIY electric wiring involved here.
Pizza Compass, $.99
This is Yelp, only it exclusively shows pizza places. Its website says, "THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT APP EVER MADE. EVER." I don't disagree? (The app prominently displays hours of operation, too. Very clutch at 2 a.m.)
Smoke: New Firewood Cooking, $25.44
This new cookbook has been released at the absolute perfect time—when the weather turns, and you're ready to bro out, have a few outdoor beers, and cook meat the right way. The right way is over a wood-burning fire, with wood chips to give your food that perfect flavor, and Smoke contains dozens of recipes and methods that'll transform you from a George Foreman into a mini Bobby Flay. Ari's wife not included.
The Beach 7 AirLounge, $N/A
Keeping with the summer theme, here's a (probably) ridiculously overpriced blow-up chair set that'll keep the sand out of your butt during your next beach party. But don't take it from me! There's a very nice Dutch lady up there explaining how it works and I think we're in love.
Chipotle Margarita, $8.50
As of last week, Chipotle offers top-shelf margaritas, made with Patrón Silver Tequila, triple sec, a blend of fresh lime and lemon juices and organic agave nectar. The restaurant has offered margs since its inception, but now it really takes the time to shake one up while you're killing a 3-hour lunch break on a Tuesday. This is the key to attempting a very sad reenactment of the Mad Men three-martini lunch. I will be conducting all my business meetings over them.
Graduation Cap Flask, $DIY
An insane DIY project for any graduates out there who feel like quietly disappointing their moms and getting high-fives from their dads—The Graduation Cap Flask! Foodbeast has the details:
Luckily, the process for making this thing is painless enough. Just pop off the top button with a pair of pliers, Velcro in the bladder (I took mine out of the Wine Rack Bra), secure the whole mess with bobby pins and drink up.
There’s not much you can do about tedious (and, arguably, arbitrary) traditions. But hey, at least you won’t have to be all “there” to remember it.
There are pictures. What a country.
Stainless Steel Beer Pong Set, $99.50
Okay, hear me out here. You'll play, what, thousands of beer pong games over your college career? That's a fair estimate. Each time you play, you have to buy new Solo cups. (I'm assuming you're not disgusting and you don't reuse cups.) Just 1,000 cups costs $124.88. And that's in bulk—a Sam's Club purchase. Dropping $100 on this stainless steel beer pong set would definitely save you money in the long run, AND you get to be The Guy Who Owns A $100 Beer Pong Set. A discerning bro, indeed.
Buying separate tools is for suckers. If you can have ONE tool that does literally everything for you—that hammers your nails, that breaks off wood, that wipes your ass (what?)—then you've got the tool you need. The Cole-Bar hammer, which features a full crow bar built in a multi-function hammer, is such a tool.
ECBC Hercules Laptop Backpack, $139.99
The makers of this compact messenger bag says it fits most 13-inch laptops, plus a tablet. It also contains "easy access pockets for a plane ticket, passport and cell phone." Jesus, this thing is made for a criminal's safe house. Pick this up if you ever need to book it to Mexico "for a little while."
Batman Tumbler Replica, $1.6 Million
Holy shit, this is something that exists. A Copenhagen design shop recreated the Batman Tumbler and it looks just like Bruce Wayne's whip from the Dark Knight trilogy. Sure it's ridiculously overpriced and it's in Copenhagen and its weight ensures that it can't go over 100 miles an hour—but look at this thing. I predict an NFL rookie ten years away from bankruptcy or a 19-year-old oil sheik buying it next week. Or me, after this 69-69-69-69-69 Powerball ticket pays off. This is my year.