Lez do it.
Grand Theft Auto V, $TBA
This week brought new screenshots and the long-awaited box art for the most anticipated game of the year, Grand Theft Auto V. It also brought a firm release date: September 17, which is, frankly, WAY TOO FAR IN THE FUTURE AGGGHHHH.
All signs are pointing to this being the most revolutionary, awe-inspiring game yet in the GTA series. And you know that come the 17 (a Tuesday), millions of bros across the land will be cutting work and school to dive deep into Los Santos.
Monarch Camp Chair, $49
From our guide "20 Must-Have Items Every Bro Needs to Survive the Summer," comes this great camp chair, the Monarch. Active Junky calls it the most comfortable chair they've ever used. AND, it packs down the size of a Nalgene. What more do you need for your wilderness excursions? (A lot of shit actually, but this is a good start.)
*Not* a music-powered sybian, the SubPac is designed to provide "3D sound frequencies" that connects you to a "new dimension of sound." DJs are raving about it.
A combination club sensor/iPhone app, the SwingTip monitors your swing, tracks its progress, and then delivers information to you on how it can be improved. The special "Tiger Edition" will also pull up phone numbers for Craigslight hookers right in your course's area. (Four-year-old jokes, FTW.)
The Flask/Macallan Scotch, $1,500
This week, The Macallan and Oakley introduced the ultimate whiskey drinker's accessory, a nearly indestructible flask that came about after Oakley's collaborated with the famed scotch-maker Macallan. The set comes with an extremely rare bottle of 22-year-old Macallan scotch and, of course, a flask featuring materials such as carbon fiber composite, steel and aerospace grade aluminum.
Only 400 packages have been released. If you're lucky enough to find one, you can pick yours up at the cost of only [cough] $1,500.
These are so ugly, yet so awesome. And, apparently a pair of Cam'ron Nike Elite socks are also somewhere out there in the wild.
Just.... Just take all my money.
Bud Light Cologne, $TBA
Haha, CLASSIC. I spent all day Monday thinking this was real. Damnit, Bud Light. April Fools Day is awful.
After a pretty thrilling 0-0 tie against Mexico on March 26 (no sarcasm intended in that sentence, I promise), any USMNT fans out there might be looking for something to rock while watching the next World Cup qualifier. Even though that day isn't till June 7, snag the kit above and save it for a summer night out at the bar. The jersey is based off a 1913 U.S. soccer design—only, thankfully, this "Centennial Collection" is not made with 1913 materials. It turns out wool, sheep bladder stitching, and an Irish laborer's tears weren't available for Nike.
Yes, there's nothing like a drunken "U-S-A" chant while wearing the U-S-of-A. Show the rest of the Americas who's boss.
Mantis Robot, $On request
Wild Wild West—a movie that sucked, but that's beside the point—introduced the world to the gigantic robatic spider. The otherwise totally historically accurate film unfortunately did not get that one detail correct. The robotic spider didn't exist in the 1880s.
IT EXISTS NOW.
The Mantis Robot has been in development for four years. It's a two-ton eight-legged freak, standing 10 feet tall and 15 feet wide at rest. Its hydraulic legs are powered by a 2.2 liter diesel engine, and you can pilot it from either its enclosed cab or remotely via WiFi. The Mantis operates best when you're blasting Flux Pavilion's "Bass Cannon" from its speakers, as you can see from the video above.
No idea how much it costs. You can assume that it's a lot.
2014 Range Rover Sport, $64,000
Had to include one more Aspirational/You Ain't Getting This Anytime Soon item on the list: The 2014 Range Rover Sport. This bad boy made its debut at the NY Auto Show last week and while reports vary, it's been said that 85% of the men in the crowd immediately sprouted erections.
The car has been totally redesigned from its 2013 iteration. 800 pounds of metal was shed, creating a sleeker look—and an SUV that is far and away the fastest Land Rover ever. A 510-horsepower supercharged V8. 0-60 in seconds flat. And a more efficient fuel tank, which isn't that exciting but whatever. This car is incredible.