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Looking Back at Every Cell Phone You’ve Ever Owned

By / 08.20.14

5S fancy colors-623-80

Last week’s leaked images of the iPhone 6 had the internet abuzz in what is more than likely going to set the bar for the next generation of mobile devices. Sneaky bastards, those geeks over at Apple, they always seem to set the gold standard when it comes to phones. That wasn’t always the case though. In fact, you may remember a time when “state of the art” meant an internal antenna and Snake 3D. Let’s face it, your phone is your lifeblood. Probably not the best thing to admit, but such are the trials and tribulations of winning the population lottery and being a young male in the good ol’ U.S. of A. Hell, many of you may be reading this on a mobile device right now, so take a second in between texts and take a trip down memory lane.

Nokia 5110

nokie5110

Snake. Enough said, really. Come to think of it, I don’t think anyone ever actually made a phone call using one of these bad boys. I was just a wide-eyed young lad at the time, but I sure am glad my mother didn’t put me up for adoption on account of all the requests to use her phone for the sole purpose of playing Snake — just an absurd amount looking back on it.

Nokia 3310 

nokia-3310

Perhaps the most underrated cell phone in the history of mankind. Not a whole lot of flare, but this phone paved the way for text messaging as we know it today. Imagine the dating game if text messaging weren’t a thing? That was a trick question, you can’t. Thousands of years from now, when we’re long gone and everything is turned to dust, scientists will look back on us and time will be separated into two categories: BT (Before Text) and AT (After Text)-kind of like BC and AD, just way better.

Nokia 3100

Nokia-3100 

Stepping up your game, I see. A color screen? Look at you, you baller. Hold on, so you’re telling me that thing can play music too? Get the fuck outta here. I wonder what they’ll think of next? Amazing what they can do with technology and what not. We’ll be landing on Mars before you know it, man. Mark my words.

Motorola Razr 

motorola-razr

Oh, you’re still rocking a brick? You peasant. Flip phones are all the rage right now, bro. Lucky for you, you have the best money can buy. That Razr is one hell of a piece of equipment. In fact, I think I saw one of those in an episode of “The Jetson’s” when I was a kid. Careful with that thing though, butterfingers. She’s a bit on the fragile side. 

Motorola Sidekick 3 

sidekick

At this point we’re talking about more than just a phone, it’s all about appearances now. You gotta play it cool, and with the Sidekick 3 in hand, just consider yourself Miles Davis. Hey, even D Wade rocks one. I’m not talking about the Capri pant wearing, flopping, pansy D Wade either. This is the cool D Wade, winning championships and shit.

 

BlackBerry Bold

 SONY DSC

To be completely honest, I’m not quite sure BlackBerry even produces product anymore. But believe it or not, BlackBerrys actually had their time in the sun. Sure, you could have gone with Apple’s new iPhone, but I heard that thing was a piece of shit. Plus the hipsters are all about it now, and you hate those guys. Say what you want about BlackBerrys, but BlackBerry Messenger was absolute gold. If you weren’t having conversations via BBM, were you even really having a conversation in the first place?

iPhone 4 

CDMAiPhone4-3593

Looks like Apple finally got that iPhone thing to work out. Craziest part is, those dirty hipsters, they hate it now. Everything is backwards. Down is up, left is right, what the hell is going on? You could opt to go with the brand new 4S, but do you really want to have to pay an extra $200 to have Siri hit you with that passive aggressive tone every time you unlock your screen? Just go with the 4.

iPhone 5S

 5S fancy colors-623-80

This one was a no brainer really. The iPhone 4 was the best phone you’ve ever had and the 5S promises to be no different. Yea maybe you could go with the new Galaxy or Lumia, but those are Android phones, and Android phones are for nerds. It’s not like you really had much of a choice though. Your girlfriend just bought a 5S, and you gotta be able to see those Emojis, right? You know she’ll just throw a shit fit if you text her and that shit doesn’t show up blue.


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Quinn
About Quinn... Quinn is just your average, everyday NSFW guy struggling to adjust to the SFW world of corporate drudgery. A lover and a fighter, Quinn is a world-renowned connoisseur of boxed wine and ranch dressing. In his free time, Quinn enjoys writing things on the Internet and consuming adult beverages at an alarming rate.

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