Gear
by Andy Moore on August 9, 2013

Pivo, $0.99

Discerning globe-trotters should want the ability to sit at a bar, anywhere in the world—whether it be Prague or Hanoi or Dushanbe—and order a beer in the local language. Pivo was created by two Brits to do just that, translating the phrase “Can I have a beer, please?” in 59 different languages. “Of course, you can just go to a bar and point to a beer, but it is nice to make an effort to speak the language when you're in a foreign country,” founder Justin Amey told the Daily Mail (via Thrillist). It'll be difficult to find a far-flung area where Pivo won't come in handy. And if you get stumped on a phrase, an audio recording is there to help out.

As for any next steps for the app's creators? A Pivo for Pick-Up Lines kind of seems like a logical move, eh? Royalty check in three months, please.

Seatgeek iPad App, $0

For a couple of years now, Seatgeek has easily been the best way to buy tickets to events. Acting essentially as the Kayak.com for concerts and games, the site aggregates from dozens of resellers—like eBay, TicketsNow, and TicketExchange—to provide one go-to market for second-hand deals. You can find seats at a cost much lower than the original asking price. There's no real point in going to Stubhub anymore. 

Anyway, the company just updated its mobile app. If you have an iPad, you can now see where, exactly, your seat will be for a Bears game or Pearl Jam concert. Best deals are shaded as dark deep green dots; worst deals are dark red. Happy hunting.

Uncooked Greeting Cards, $Various

Sometimes, when celebrating either your best friend or mortal enemy's birthday, the usual greeting card just won't cut it. It's too saccharine. Or maybe you've said it all before. Uncooked takes the traditional Hallmark and gleefully twists it, turning “Best wishes,” for instance, into “Wishing you so many wishes you'll wish I never wished you any wishes in the first place.” And that's maybe the tamest card to be found. 

The Stench of Honolulu, $14.99

Jack Handey is the country's best pure comedy writer. He's responsible for SNL's Deep Thoughts, some of the show's most memorable sketches, and hundreds of classic surrealist one-liners, i.e. “If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'” 

His new book is a novel, written about the “stinky foreign land of Honolulu” and the strange dangers found within. It'll be good.

Dark Sky, $3.99

My favorite app. Dark Sky provides frighteningly good predictions of when it will rain or snow—it literally will tell you, down to the minute, when you should expect precipitation in your exact location. (Right now, mine is telling me to expect light rain for the next 12 minutes, then medium rain after that. I'm fucked.)

It's a little pricy at $3.99, but look: You're basically buying Doc Brown's weather machine from Back to the Future II. And you're getting it two years early!

Flamas Tacos, $TBA

Taco Bell sent a large box to the office this week. It was one of maybe 3 boxes ever sent to the office that was addressed to me. This was exciting.   

Inside the box were maybe a dozen bags of Doritos, along with a mysterious note: “It’s happening. Expect the unexpected. Taco Bell will launch the 3.0 addition to its successful Doritos Locos Tacos (DLT) line on August 22. The first two DLTs were not much of a surprise to you – since Nacho Cheese is the top selling Doritos flavor and Taco Bell heard its fans’ pleas for Cool Ranch. But this #_DLT, contrary to speculation, may not what be what you’re expecting.”

The unnamed DLT flavor was somewhere in that box. And according to the Huffington Post, among other outlets, that flavor is in fact the delicious Flamin' Hot Cheetos-esque FLAMAS:

Once we unwrapped the tacos, we were pretty sure we knew which Doritos flavor their shells are based on: Flamas. The telltale bright vermillion color tipped us off — and the spicy taste, with a touch of lime that could only be detected when we ate the shell sans beef, all but confirmed it.

 

It's all about the hint of lime. Taco Bell is cookin' lately. (Or whatever they do to make their food.)

Hugh Hefner's Playboy, $160

This six-volume series essentially doubles as a history of Playboy's first 25 years and Hugh Hefner's life. Come for the vintage pornagraphy, stay for the story of Hef's remarkable rise, the Ian Fleming and Norman Mailer essays, and the never-ever-topped-in-cool photographs of the original Playboy Club

Fifty Shades of Bacon, $12

A recipe book that includes chapters entitled “Afternoon Delight,” “Multiple Orgasms,” and “The Morning Wood,” Fifty Shades of Bacon seems like the perfect coffee table decoration to suss out whether your guest has a sense of humor.

Polaris RXR XP 1000, $20,000

What do you get when you buy the Polaris? A customized paint job, a racing quality suspension, and 107 HP that'll take you from 0-50 in 5.33 seconds. What do you do when you buy the Polaris? You find a sand dune, you strap on a helmet, and you kick ass. All of the ass.

The Nirvana Superyacht, $300 million

Let's run down what you can find in the Nirvana, shall we?

  • A reptile room
  • On-board spa
  • Helicopter pad
  • Fitness center
  • Elevators
  • Several bedrooms
  • Spiral staircases

And, of course, a price tag that is more than the entire WASHINGTON POST. Want.

Andy Moore

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