Stuff, stuff, stuff.
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USA Beer Pong Team T-Shirt, $14.29
Obscenely popular Twitter account @menshumor has an online store now. If you're a fan, snag these threads before your next joust on the table of glory.
It's probably a little late to use this training parachute if you're trying to get in shape before Spring Break—but then again, if working out with a parachute interests you, you're not the kind of guy who works out specifically for Spring Break. This is for the SERIOUS ATHLETES ONLY. The rest of us will probably end up getting tangled up/strangled to death in it.
Table & Tennis, $6,600
Perfect for the valuable "Just raised $5 mil in capital for my startup and now I get to put 'edgy' profanity on my business card" demographic, the Table & Tennis set is a combination ping pong/conference table guaranteed to spice up your meetings. And wow any future Japanese investors.
Sure these are kind of dumb. But damnit, if you want to be a supervillian you've gotta start buying dumb/evil things like these DEADLY cufflinks. You think a skull island is cheap?
The Master, $19.99
I saw this over the weekend. Paul Thomas Anderson is one of my favorite directors—if you didn't like "Boogie Nights" I don't know what's wrong with you; the same goes for the glorious weirdness that was "There Will Be Blood"—but this movie is incomprehensible. Scenes are pieced together with zero connection to each other. Amy Adams gives Phillip Seymour Hoffman the world's saddest handjob. And Joaquin Phoenix spends 130 minutes ACTING, constantly grimacing, manically laughing, and contorting his face like Nicolas Cage in "The Wicker Man." The performance is a bit overdone.
But, you know, the movie is filmed well. Really nicely shot. Sharp colors. If you're into that sort of thing, this week's Blu-Ray release should be worth a rental.
ShowScoop App, Free
Two years ago, Micah Smurthwaite was at Coachella, the massive music festival in Indio, California. Over 100 acts played on five stages. Meaning Micah—a huge music fan—was only familiar with maybe 20% of the bands. He was determined to check out as many quality live acts as he could, though.
"Each night, we'd meet back at the campsite," he told me over the phone this week. "My firends would say, 'Did you see some and so? They put on this awesome show.' I was like, 'No, shit, I wish I had.'"
So it hit him: What if there was a concert review app that worked like Yelp or Rate My Professor? Where people review shows they've seen based on sound quality, stage presence, crowd interaction, and, for the EDMers, visual effects, then share that info with other music fans?
It was an idea you might be hesitant toward—as most efforts to quantitatively review art are—but we think it's really smart. How many times have you been burned by a subpar live performance from a "buzz band" at a music festival? Or wasted $20 on a band's concert because you liked their studio work?
So Micah created ShowScoop, an app that takes music fans' concert reviews to tell you who puts on the best show. (It also tracks shows you've been to, giving you a profile similar to GoodReads' or Rotten Tomatoes' book and movie trackers, respectively.) Launched last week and available on the iPhone, it still needs to scale—currently it's at only 1,000 users—but once more and more information comes in, it'll be a really useful tool to help you pick who you need to see live. For that, it's our pick for App of the Week.
MYO Gesture Control, $149
MOTHER OF GOD. Looks like "Minority Report" came true 39 years earlier than expected.
Columbia Zilla-Tool, $50
You've been hearing your entire life that you need a "sturdy tool set." That you're not a man or whatever until you get one. And while this is more or true, there are ways to go around spending hundreds of dollars on your journey to Tim Taylor.
A multi-tool is a start. Gear Patrol rounded up five of the best on the market, and we highlighted the Columbia above because it's cheap—however, I'm partial to the $74 Gerber Diesel. It includes a saw. Could've used that, huh, Aron Ralston?
7x7 Steakburger, $7.77
Seven patties, 1330 calories, 98 grams of fat. I must have it.
Tesla Model S, $57,000
Now that the New York Times "controversy" over the Tesla has died down, let's pay attention to what really matters here: How sweet this car is.
An electric car that combines ridiculous range with a decidedly non-Prius acceleration, the Tesla sports a 3G data connection, 17-inch touchscreen and, I imagine, some sort of robot butler that gives you deep-tissue massages during long road trips.
By all accounts, it's solved the Great Electric Car Question—how do you make an electric car that isn't for pussies?—and it should be a sign of what's to come in the future. Exciting stuff.
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[Beer pong drinking game via Shutterstock]