Thus, the second portion of my fashion advice has been stalled.
Don’t get your panties in a wad just yet- this week I’m shedding positive light on the things you’re doing (or could be doing) correctly in your existing wardrobe.
…If you tried just, a little, bit.
As for my sound advice from the 10 fashion commandments, I’d like to say one thing; God may not smite you for disrespecting the words of the (Fitz E Fresh) bible, but if you show up on judgment day wearing a wife beater, there’s only one place you’re being sent to for eternity; Hollister. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, jackass. Moving on.
Even though you guys make fashion faux pas on the reg, I know you’ve got some apparel gems hiding out, just waiting to expose your intriguingly style-conscious side and subsequently get you laid. You may not like to admit it, but your clothes really do say a lot about you—so breaux, use it to your advantage.
Let’s dig through that closet.
1. The Prepster Bro
A fresh button down, a collection of polos, a well-fitted blazer and an impressive tie collection are all good things; for any guy. I get it, you’re “different”, and want to break the mold. But according to the extensive and highly scientific research I’ve both observed and conducted over the past …few years of my life, let me assure you; no girl will turn a guy down because he looks too well-dressed. There’s just something so satisfying about unbuttoning an oxford from the other side.
That said, there are lines that must be drawn, somewhere around an entirely pastel palette, critter shorts and overzealous Vineyard Vines patterns. In moderation, in the summer, this is alright. On Nantucket, or the Vineyard, or Carolina Cup.
For the most part, a pink polo with a popped collar and lime green anchor critter shorts only makes you look like a huge p*ssy. So take your old faithful button down to the cleaner and prepare to have it unbuttoned for you later that night.
2. The Brooklyn Bro
While I usually try to place biases aside (okay that was a lie) I’m a sucker for a flannel. They’re manly and rugged yet stylish; affordable but not cheap looking. And by the way, dudes look f*cking sexy in them. (“Oh my god, I wonder if that guy’s like…in a band..”)
Throw in some worn denim and old school kicks and you’ve got a fresh look that probably just came from the floor of your closet. Yum.
3. The Doesn’t Give a Sh*t Bro
Looking like you just rolled out of bed can be pretty sexy. As long as you didn’t actually just roll out of bed, you slob. There’s a certain art to pulling off a plain tee with worn jeans and simple kicks. (“He’s just got like…such a laidback look.”)
Stripes, color, or vintage tees all play into this category as well. Just make sure to avoid pit stains and deep V’s—nobody wants to see your man cleavage.
4. The Metrosexual Bro
Let me start with the disclaimer that I am not into the gay look for dudes. Unless they’re actually gay, in which case they can do whatever the f*ck they want, because I’m not trying to have sex with them.
Anywho, a well-groomed, freshly-pressed and hygienic man can be pretty attractive. Fitted blazers, designer jeans, a hint of gel in the hair…these things give an air of Euro-mystery. And let me tell you; every girl wants to f*ck a European. Don’t ask why.
If you’re still on your parents dime (who are you kidding) let mom take you to the mall for once. I promise it will only work out in your favor.
5. The Stoner……..Brooo
Who doesn’t love a bro who’s in touch with his free-spirited roots? Having great taste in music and a bong by your bed can take you far (with girls, not jobs). But being bold enough to stand out and let your freak flag can take you even farther. (“Oh my god, I like, love that guy in the corner. With the long hair”) Sport your concert, Rastafarian and peaceful propaganda tees with pride. See what your dad has left in his closet from when he was still actually cool. And don’t let him convince you that was the 90’s.
And remember: you have to get off the couch if you want to get p*ssy.