Kids these days, you have it so easy- what with your Macklemore and his glorification of shitty haircuts and budget-minded shopping. I grew up in that bling bling era, baby! Making it rain and lovely lady lumps and all that good shit. An adolescent me in pre-Recession America was the perfect storm to dress like a gaudy goofball. I’ve always had an Andre from The League-like weakness for conspicuous consumption, and back then my parents were naïve enough to think they could suppress my destructive behavior by buying me fly shit. Now the fire inside has died down and I have to put in at least an hour of phone time with Mom per week if I want stay on that Verizon family plan. Times are hard, but here 5 dumbest things I’ve throughout the years.
5. Von Dutch- Age 15
First day of high school, I walk in- every single person is wearing a $70 trucker hat. How did Crazy Janitor Fred get that kind of scratch? Von Dutch wasn’t novel in its approach of making poor people garments cool for rich kids, but normally the move is to take style cues from the hood. With the promulgation of the trucker hat, white trash meth heads finally got their style jacked. We’ve come a long way.
4. Ed Hardy- Age 16
Ed Hardy was like Von Dutch’s hardo younger brother. Von Dutch made a hat, Ed Hardy made a hat with FUCKING FLAMING EAGLE WITH A SWORD GOING THROUGH ITS NECK, BRO!!! Before they got relegated back to MMA guys and Born Agains, the whole Tattoos and Skulls thing was very popular with the bourgeoisie. Then we got real jobs and you can’t sew a tiger head on a Brooks Brothers three-piece.
3. A Bathing Ape- Age 18
That’s me. Ever backstalk yourself on Facebook? It’s a deadly game. $300 hoodies with all-over unicorn jizz print. Patent leather bubblegum fake Air Force 1s. Japan was planning revenge for losing WWII and they got it when I had to explain to my Dad why I needed a t-shirt with a monkey on it for a $100 bucks as my birthday present. Anyone who wears a Billionaire Boys Club t-shirt has thirty dollars in their checking account, fact.
2. SB Dunks- Age 20
WAKE UP!! WE’RE GONNA MISS A SPOT ON LINE FOR THE DEADSTOCK QUICKSTRIKE NIKE X SUPREME X ANTHONY WEINER COLLABO! I tried to learn how to skate for like ten minutes then realized nobody gets ass that way. Plus, bouncers don’t care how rare the drop was, you’re still wearing sneakers out like a 12-year-old.
1. Deep V- Age 22
To this day, I’m not sure why v-necks are dressier/cooler than the regular crewneck t-shirt. I guess it’s the equivalent of why girls prefer thongs v. granny panties. You just feel sexy in that deep V, don’t cha? Letting’ all that man meat out… Dog tag getting caught in that chest hair...What were we talking about? I still pretty much exclusively wear Vs, but there was definitely a time that it bordered on blouse.
That wraps it up for me. Got any other sartorial regrets? Any you defend vehemently? Don’t say critter pants, those are just BAPE patterns for white people. Leave your picks in the comment sections!