Whether you’re the industrious type or simply the recipient of a bong rip-induced creative spark, everyone has had an idea for great smartphone app (I say “smartphone” to account for you five weirdos with Droids). And why shouldn’t you? Apps are the Gold Rush of the twenty-tens. It seems like every day I’m introduced to another schmuck who has recently rechristened himself as a “developer.” Of course, most half-cocked peripherals never come to fruition, much less turn a profit. Still, I empathize with the entrepreneur. Here are a few apps I’ve thought of (Sorry guys, no innovative ways to send dick pics). So go forth and get to programming, there’s gotta be a Stanfordite or assiduous Asian amongst my readership.
Here are The 5 Apps We Need NOW (appreciate my stereotypical app-itizing names for each)
How many times has this happened to you? You’re relaying the events of last night’s pregame to a friend when--SILENCE. The call is dropped. Now you’re stuck in a stalemate. Who makes the first move to call the other person back? 9 times out of 10, both parties get the impulse at the same time, resulting in frustrating forwards to voicemail and wasted minutes of precious existence. DisKonnect sends both parties a text. One party is alerted to “MAKE THE CALLBACK” and the other is told to “HOLD OFF.” Isn’t that refreshingly rigid?
People love to “check-in” to bars, clubs and restaurants, etc. Those people are douchebags. I’m all for a tweet or a Yelp every now and then, but there is simply no reason to send a citywide alert that you’re at Starbucks. AVOIDR aggregates every muploaded sandwich and geotagged rager so you know how to sidestep social media sluts. Besides, everyone knows the best moments in life are kept on the DL anyway.
3. Who Dis?
We all know to ignore an unknown caller, whether it’s labeled as such or affixed with a sketchy area code. Chances are, it’s gonna be a survey or wrong number. But what about the unknown personal text? I think we’re all a bit more inclined to respond. Who knows, it could be Hollywood ready to give you a big break for your Fantasy Football screenplay. Still, nothing is more frustrating than going through the motions with an unknown texter.
(111) 111-1111: Yoooooooo!!!
Me: Who is this? New Phone
(111) 111-1111: No it’s not!!
Me: I know.
(111) 111-1111: Guess! ;)
Me: Please die a slow death
(111) 111-1111: Yoooooooooooooooo!!!
Who Dis? Is a caller ID that actually works. It identifies any person or business, phone call or text, so you can track the person down and murder their loved ones.
4. DTBThe Double Text Blocker. A Drunk Text Blocker is a given, but the Double Text Blocker is necessary as well. Girls (and guys who owe you money) love to let texts marinate for what can often feel like an eternity. DTB would stop you from sending those follow-up “??” or “Bitch, I know you’re reading this” texts as tempting as they might be. Sending a double text is an automatic sign of weakness, and we’d all rather mask our vulnerability as long as we can.
5. The Competent Conversationalist
Everyday I am forced into discussions I have no business being in: My boss wants to talk about turmoil in Syria, my girlfriend’s brother is grilling me about secondary financial markets, my friends have suddenly gotten into Neo-expressionist art for some reason. I can’t be revealed to be a superficial as I actually am! Thus, The Competent Conversationalist is a handy collection go-to quotes that will make you sound like you are remotely aware of the world around you. Classic innocuous banter like “Until the legislature can reach across the aisle, I fear the worst!” or “I’m cautiously optimistic about foreign policy” will make even the shallowest bro sound like a CNN talking head.
That about wraps it up for me. Are you into these apps? Have better ones on the backburner? Aroused by small children? Don’t be. But leave your thoughts in the comments section! (Best one gets a response from yours truly!)
Krum is an NYC based comedian who loves him some apps. Follow him on twitter @KRUMLIFEDOTCOM.