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Technological advancements, in all facets of life, are inevitable. From high-definition television sets to computers to streamlined manufacturing to even motorized d*ldos with more added features than a Gulfstream — it's impossible to ignore what the last 10 years of innovation has brought us. And that lack of neglect is because you too have probably become a slave to all things technology. Whether you're surgically attached to your smartphone, Tweeting your every thought, or playing your friend, who lives half way across the country, in Madden 2011, all of this, and so much more, is possible thanks to recent advancements in the field of gadgets, gizmos, and websites. These innovative strides, however, may not always be in a man's favor. Like the fire-shooting, jet-propelled d*ldo that can destroy a woman in ways your trouser mediocrity can't even fathom, not all technology is ultimately for our benefit. And that even includes some things that men hold in the highest regard.
I am in no way against technology. Actually, I'm a fan it (foam finger and all), plus everybody knows I f*cking hate Amish people. But somewhere in me lives a purist who thinks some aspects of life were better 10 or so years ago. Currently, there is too much virtual interaction, too much public accessibility to our personal information, and way too many people who can't eat a meal without looking at their phone. Call me a cheesedick, go right ahead, but I think men should be able to pick up women at bars (or at least face to face in public), have one-night stands or cheat with discreteness, take in a live ballgame, and detach themselves from the f*cking joystick once in a while to play actual, real-life, physical sports. Maybe we are all just becoming lazy — obesity reports corroborate that assumption — but perhaps it is our extravagant technology that is causing our downfall. You tell me.
1. Dating Websites Have Become Commonplace
When did finding a chick like this become acceptable? "Oh, I have a busy career, and thus I have no time to go out to a bar or to date." But you have time to maintain a profile on f*cking eHarmony? If you can't possibly find the hours to go out and enjoy the fruits of life and masculinity then you might as well string yourself up and call it a f*cking day.
2. Video Games Have Replaced Reality
Video games haven't completely ruined us yet, but they continue to add to the pussification of children in the U.S. Most of us grew up playing video games, sure, but they were never interactive enough to take the place of playing an actual sport or enjoying the recreational game of smear the queer in the backyard. My friend recently got the PS Move for our apartment — you know, PlayStation's answer to the Wii — and within two weeks of playing it, I have quickly realized how addicting these move-based games are.
Since I don't have epilepsy — which is not only tremendous news for me, but also a requirement to play — I have been wasting a lot of time flailing around in front of my T.V. So much so that I am starting to believe I am the best Boccie player the world has ever known. This is fine for me because I played competitive sports throughout my entire childhood and know that is not really true, but I am not so sure I like the idea of a young child obtaining a delusion of greatness from playing a video game when in reality he throws like a f*cking sissy.
3/4. Social Networks (Facebook, MySpace, etc.)
I first had the realization that these social networking sites might serve as a detriment to my life about five years ago, when I initially joined. Just about anything you do on them can ruin your life (overstatement) or hinder your career — relationship status changes, pictures of you making out with a farm hog, political affiliation — but there are two things that I found to be the most detrimental and annoying to men.
3. Every girl you've ever slept with will "reconnect" with you.
Joining Facebook several years ago and the exercise of trying to be social brought me all kinds of headaches because it caused my ex-girlfriends and other girls that my current girlfriend (at the time) hated to come out of the woodwork. Despite my ramblings about how their wall comments were innocent, my girl did what most typical girls do. She went ape shit. Rationality was now an ocean away and trying to relieve her doubts would be no pleasure cruise. She accused me of instigating their comments/messages, reaching out to them, and she even believed that I was f*cking several of them on the sly — which, surprisingly, was not the case.
4. The death of the f*ck and chuck.
Can I get a show of hands of those who have stupidly given a one-night stand their legal name? I've foolishly done it because never in a million years would I think some b*tch would memorize my name, nor did I think about the pitfalls of social networking at the time. But then you get that obligatory friend request, which is always accompanied by the flattering wall post that can sometimes go a few steps too far, "Last night was crazy, I was like sooooo drunk, and between you, me, and 839 of your closest friends, I can barely piece my c*nt together today. LOLOLOLOL." This isn't good for any man's business, especially if you are pursuing other women you are already Facebook friends with at the time.
5. Gossip Guys
We've become what we hate: chatty little gossip hoes. No, we still don't care what celeb is wearing what, or what starlet lost 30 lbs. eating nothing but her own shit, but more than ever men love gossip. Especially in sports. Back in the '80s and '90s a professional athlete could commit vehicular manslaughter while firing his free AK-47 out of the window and it would barely make the last page in the sports section. Today, these athletes can't even call another player a cancer without someone Tweeting about it. Just look at the hoopla surrounding "The Decision" or what has become of our beloved SportsCenter. It's filled with more gossip and he said-he said bullshit than ever before. (Note: Just now, as I type this very article with SC on in the foreground, I look up to see Tweets by T.O. talking shit about McNabb on the screen. Point proven.)