Really hurtin' today, you guys. This edition of Ten Things We Want This Week will be as long as my Advil lasts.
As always, if you see something worth featuring, shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
10. The Ubi, $189
Want your own HAL from "2001: A Space Odyssey?" Yes? Okay, this is as close you're going to get (without all the murdering people business).
The Ubi is a voice-activated computer that plugs into a wall outlet. You talk to it, tell it what to do, and it always listens (in a totally not creepy way). You can use it to search the Internet, "write" voice memos, and control the thermostat of the house. It also can be used as a speakerphone and intercom system. Essentially, it's the apex in laziness. Which you deserve!
9. iPad Mini, $329
Since the iPad Mini came out this week, there's been a pretty sizable backlash to it. Too small, too similar to the regular iPad, not a "bold leap forward" like other high-profile Apple products, the naysayers proclaim. However, we think it might be worth a look, especially if you're looking for an e-reader and web browser and don't want to pay $500 for the iPad. Plus, look how nice the ad is. Who isn't a sucker for Apple's marketing?
8. Secret DJ App, Free
We're not exactly sure how this is allowed, but the Secret DJ app allows you to take over stereo systems and remotely put music you want on the speakers. If you check into a bar enough times, you become "mayor" and have constant access to opportunities to change the music. Which means whoever is the biggest drunk is the one who constantly gets to have access to his own personal jukebox. (I'm thinking this will lead to a MASSIVE increase in Billy Joel at bars.)
7. Rare Ink NBA Art, Starting at $69
Imagine this: You now live in a swank NYC apartment. You're going places with your career. You're everything you wanted to be when you were a kid. What better thing to decorate your surroundings with than classy, "artsy" Mitch Richmond and Tim Hardaway prints? While the Free Darko prints may be cooler, these are NBA-licensed and new artwork comes out every week. And you'll look like a badass who has an appropriate appreciation for early '90's NBA players. 8-year-old you would be so pleased.
6. Adidas Originals Consortium Rivalry Lo Pack, Price TBA
Who doesn't get a nice blast of nostalgia from these bad boys? And even if you don't, who doesn't want a nice blast of nostalgia that doesn't exist? From HighSnob:
Basketball culture had its golden times in the ‘80s and ‘90s with adidas playing an integral role in the scene, offering a range of impressive court footwear such as the popular Metro Attitude and Conductor. In 1986, the Rivalry was released as a very close relation to the Conductor and came in a huge array of color combinations. The original colorway paid tribute to one of New York City’s top basketball teams at the time, the reason every New York fan had to have their hands on a pair.
For Consortium, adidas Originals brings back the Rivalry Lo in a nostalgic move with two colorways: the iconic OG of white, blue and orange is matched up alongside rival Chicago team colors in black, red and white. The reissue is upgraded with the quality materials that Consortium is known for.
5. CB2 Phoos Table, $599
Foosball tables have unfairly been dominated by hipsters at bars for far too long. Beat them at their own game by boning up on your skills at home with this nice-looking foosball table. Consider it an investment in the future of Bro-kind.
4. Game of Thrones Book of Maps, $40
Enjoy Game of Thrones, want to re-explore the world, but don't want to spend days reading the books? This is for you. A nicely illustrated, very cool book of maps called "The Lands of Ice and Fire," this work contains detailed illustrations of the book series' cities, routes the characters traveled, and breakdowns on just how many incestuous relationships each book has. Kidding, but you gotta think that breakdown is coming one day, right?
3. Ralph Lauren Steel Sporting Watch, Price TBA
Sleek, preppy and very cool. While Ralph Lauren pretty much exclusively trades in the red on navy color pattern, who's complaining really?
2. Where Chefs Eat, $20
We're kind of in the middle of a foodie revolution right now. Guys who used to eat couch pizza are now extolling the virtues of bone marrow, pork belly, and other previously unthinkable foodstuffs. And this isn't necessarily a bad thing, even if it does have the whiff of being a fad. Don't get left behind! Hop on board with this guide to restaurants favored by chefs like David Chang and Heston Blumenthal. (And while you're at it, pick up Anthony Bourdain's newly updated book "Kitchen Confidential" for a really good introduction to the culture.)
1. Kuratos Mech, $1.4 million
I don't think I've ever wanted something more in my entire life. A $1.4 million robot that you control with joysticks and motion sensers, the Kuratas also has a BB-firing Gatling gun that shoots off 6,000 rounds per minute. (First things first: Switch BB guns out for an Uzis.)
Weighing in at just under 5 tons and towering 13ft in the air, this four-wheeled behemoth of mechanized mayhem has 30 hydraulic joints that facilitate seamless movement, and can fit a full-sized human in its torso cockpit, where they can control the leviathan via joysticks and motion sensors. Should you have an irrational fear of climbing inside 10000 pounds of metal that "doesn't guarantee your safety and comfort" (but does "make your dream of becoming a robot pilot come true"), you can control it from the outside via an iPhone 3G, meaning the large overlapping segment of people with $1.4 million death robots and first-generation iPhones can breathe a sigh of relief.
And as for weapons, well... it has them, including a forearm-based carbon shield, a claw hand dubbed the Iron Crow, a shoulder-strapped launcher that purportedly shoots bottle rockets, and BB-firing Gatling guns that can rip off 6000 rounds per minute, and are activated when you smile, so basically all the time, because you're inside of a huge friggin' robot.
Being a super-villain has never been so easy. Now someone find me a tricked-out cave lair. FUCKING NOW.