5. Circuit City Gift Card, $20
Why this is a great gift for someone you hate: Circuit City has been defunct for three years, yet you can still buy a gift card to spend in their non-existent stores. Will your order actually process if you buy this? I have no idea. I like to think that there is some sort of "Twilight Zone"-esque Circuit City still existing, staffed by red-vested ghosts that will take your credit card info and deliver your orders from consumer goods purgatory. But I also think that even the ghosts might have been laid off by the recession by now.
Anyway, this is a great gift for that friend/family member who doesn't keep up with the news and may actually try to spend an unredeemable gift card. Feign ignorance if they do know that Circuit City is bankrupt.
The pitch: "I know you love electronics, but I didn't what you wanted exactly. So here's a gift card where you can go and pick out something nice."
The reality: "I know you love electronics, but I didn't know which "Twilight" special-edition Blu-Ray you wanted exactly, you mouthbreather. So here's a gift card where you can go and pick out something nice at the flea market that's replaced the Circuit City."
Why this is a great gift for someone you hate: It causes a conversation that will either cause everyone to hate the giftee (if it's for a vegan), or one that will cause major discomfort and ruin the giftee's day (if it's for an alcoholic). Meanwhile, all you have to do is profusely apologize for the mistake, say it unfortunately can't be returned, and sit back and watch the fireworks.
The pitch: "Hey, you like food/booze, so I thought, why not deliver you food/booze?"
The unspoken pitch: "Hey, you hate thinking about all the food/booze you can't have, so I thought, why not deliver you a box of sadness?"
3. Gerbil, $10.79
Why this is a great gift for someone you hate: It's cheap, it requires nothing from you other than to make sure it survives until Tuesday, and it's an awful, awful animal. Gerbils require constant upkeep, they make a ton of noise, and they smell. No one, save small children who don't know better, actually wants a gerbil in the house. The giftee will not want to get rid of the gerbil, though, because they're cute and he'll feel awful for abandoning it.
The pitch: "Look at this little fella. Name's Scooter. I thought he'd be great for your place—oh, look! He's really taking a liking to you!"
The unspoken pitch: "Look at this little dependent. I already named him. I thought he'd be great for your place, provided you go right now and buy $100 worth of supplies and caging—oh, look! He's really shitting in your hand!"
Why this is a great gift for someone you hate: It's an innocent mistake that really isn't innocent at all. A towel is a terrible gift anyway, but a towel with a wrong middle initial—well, that's a special brand of evil that would really confuses and depresses someone.
The pitch: "Here ya go, hope you like... Oh, your middle name is 'Geoffrey' with a 'G?' Not a 'J?' You're absolutely sure? Ah. My bad."
The unspoken pitch: "Here ya go, hope you like... Oh, your middle name is 'Geoffrey' with a 'G?' Yes, I've known that for years."
1. Pitbull's "Global Warming," $13.99
Why this is a great gift for someone you hate: C'mon.
The pitch: "I hate you."
The unspoken pitch: "I hate you.
/puts on sunglasses, walks out of room