Since I do not possess estrogen, I did two big research endeavors for this. First, I trolled through various female-oriented blogs. (And it should be mentioned that there was a moment right around my 45th minute navigating Lucky's website when I had a small mental breakdown not unlike a mild brain aneurysm, forcing me to watch 35 straight Kate Upton GIFs to get myself right again. It was a frightening experience.) Then, I talked with three real-life girls who were kind enough to give their thoughts on the matter. Here's what we've got, in no particular order of importance:
10. For the stylish girlfriend:
Various Items, $Various amounts of money
I'm a complete idiot when it comes to this—in high school, I once bought a girlfriend a pair of jeans from I think T.J. Maxx that was a staggering five sizes too big, kicking off a series of events that ended up with a fight during a showing of Nicholas Sparks' horseshit movie “Nights in Rodanthe,” and a quick breakup—so here's what one of our girl sources says are good buys this year:
– Scarves: “the chunkier the better“
– Cashmere anything: “Gloves, scarves, and hats are a good bet”
– Sorels or maybe Hunter Rain Boots (“NO UGGS”)
9. For the sports fan girlfriend:
NFL Jersey, $94.99
Says one of our girls, “We're never going to buy our own jersey. We don't really understand sports, but we like pretending we know what's going on and like hanging out at the bar drinking with guys while they watch games. Stay clear from the pink jerseys though. That's for people living in New Jersey.”
So it seems the feminist equal-rights movement has moved to sports jerseys arena. Interesting. In any case, do make sure you get something from the NFL Gear series that is sized for women. (Like the RGIII number up there. Actually just get the RGIII jersey too, regardless of what team she's a fan of, because RGIII kicks ass.)
8. For the blind girlfriend:
Warby Parker Glasses, $95
More or less ubiquitous in New York, Warby Parkers have long since made their way to the rest of the country. They look good, but more importantly for a guy on a budget who's looking to show his cultured side, they're a fucking monetary godsend: How many times do you have a “trendy” new item cost only $95? If your girlfriend wears glasses, find out her perscription and get a pair (for only $95), and if she doesn't, she can always use another pair of sunglasses (again, for only $95). Take a look at what sunglasses she already has, though. If you get a pair much larger than her other pairs, you might find yourself in a discussion about whether “she has a fat face.” The answer to this is always, “No.”
And if you do go the eyeglasses route, don't be mad if she dumps you after seeing you clearly for the first time.
7. For the active girlfriend:
Nike+ FuelBand, $149
THIS IS IMPORTANT and people who put together other, lesser gift guides will straight-up lie to you about this, so take it from us: If your girlfriend could stand to lose a few pounds, she's aware of her situation, and there's little to nothing you can say or do to make the situation change (if you're concerned about it). So buying a gift like this for her is idiotic and will not spur on any sudden trips to the gym. You'll just find yourself in a fight you can't win.
Instead, buy this or a similar “active” gift for girlfriends who are runners or gym nuts. It's a way for you to say “thanks” for putting in the work to look good, and it's an acknowledgement that you know what kind of hobbies she's into.
Buy her some yoga pants too. But those are really for you.
6. For 'that' girlfriend:
Tiffany's Jewelry, $150 – $275
All jewelry is more or less fine. If you've been in a committed relationship for a while, it's pretty much necessary at a certain point. But Tiffany's has that secret sauce that the other jewelry brands can't touch. Is the jewelry made of a higher quality than its competitors? I have no clue. Are the Tiffany's designs more original? I have no idea. Are the minerals conflict-free? Couldn't fucking tell you.
But the box the jewelry comes in, though… The blue box is magic. Think of it this way: Remember the timeless book series “Animorphs?” And remember the blue box created by Elfangor that had transformative powers? The Tiffany's blue box is just like that, only instead of turning Tobias into a hawk, it turns your girlfriend into a horny girlfriend.
Our advice: Spring for Tiffany's. Or take a normal silver necklace, cruelly etch in “Return to Tiffany's” on the back,” and put it in a blue present box. I'm sure either would work.
5. For the awesome girlfriend who may have a drinking problem:
Wine Rack Bra, $29.95
Suggested by one of our girls who, I assure you, is actually a real-life breathing female, the Wine Rack Bra probably shouldn't be the only gift you get your girlfriend this year. It will, however, be a strange yet arousing way to break the tension that comes before handing over your real present. The bra holds up to 25 ounces of booze, and it comes with a long drinking tube that will make your girlfriend the life of the party after 2 a.m. when all the booze is gone and she remembers she brought some Cabernet in her tits.
The only downside: This bra is optimized for girls with smaller cup sizes. So consider this a compensation gift.
4. For the tech girlfriend:
iPad Mini, $329
Large electronics were called “a no-go” and “frightening” (really?) by one of our girls. But the iPad Mini seems to hit the sweet spot between functional and not that big. The smaller sized Beats are also a good bet if you don't want to shell out a small fortune for the latest Apple confection.
3. For the nostalgic girlfriend:
Dinner Gift Certificate, $Probably Sub-100
Remember the first nice place you ever took your girlfriend out to eat? Olive Garden? Really? You dog. Well done. But if you can't remember, go back through your texts, emails, etc. and find the name, then get a gift certificate from said place and make a night of it. This idea gets the ringing endorsement of “cheesy but cute” from one of our sources.
When you go, be sure to say multiple times, “Isn't it weird how we're back here?” and “Look how far we've come” and “No, I was not checking out that waitress' ass, I was trying to find the bathroom.” Etc.
2. For the possibly smelly girlfriend:
Chanel No. 5, $120
Kidding, girls don't smell. But they do still like perfume. Two of our girls say that Chanel is a good bet, but an even better idea is to find out what she uses, either by breaking into her apartment while she's sleeping or just taking a peek at her bathroom when you're hanging out there, then buying that perfume, wowing her in the process with your knowledge of her grooming habits. Sexxxxxxy.
1. For every girlfriend:
Tickets, $All kinds of money
This is really the cream of the gift crop. Two tickets to that thing she likes—to paraphrase the Old Spice guy—show that you know what she's into, it gives you a fun night out, and it allows you to enjoy something that gifts like jewelry don't really allow you to enjoy. (Except for the sex that comes after, but let's be real: You're getting that after a show, too.) Says one of our girl sources, “Something you can “do together” goes a long way cause we're lame like that.”
Nice seats to a concert, two reserved seats at a comedy club, two seats to a Broadway show if you're raking in the dough… Whatever. This is a good purchase. Just make sure to get the non-emailed tickets, because nothing says “I just bought these this morning” quite like handing over a print-out. And if you're reading this, it's obvious that you give somewhat of a shit.