Last week, we broke down some of the best gifts you can get your old man for the holidays. This time around, we're here to help you find 10 "you shouldn't have!" and "it's so thoughtful!" gifts for the lady in your life—with our ultimate goal being you not screwing up the holidays/not getting laid.
Since I do not possess estrogen, I did two big research endeavors for this. First, I trolled through various female-oriented blogs. (And it should be mentioned that there was a moment right around my 45th minute navigating Lucky's website when I had a small mental breakdown not unlike a mild brain aneurysm, forcing me to watch 35 straight Kate Upton GIFs to get myself right again. It was a frightening experience.) Then, I talked with three real-life girls who were kind enough to give their thoughts on the matter. Here's what we've got, in no particular order of importance:
10. For the stylish girlfriend:
Various Items, $Various amounts of money
I'm a complete idiot when it comes to this—in high school, I once bought a girlfriend a pair of jeans from I think T.J. Maxx that was a staggering five sizes too big, kicking off a series of events that ended up with a fight during a showing of Nicholas Sparks' horseshit movie "Nights in Rodanthe," and a quick breakup—so here's what one of our girl sources says are good buys this year:
-- Scarves: "the chunkier the better"
-- Cashmere anything: "Gloves, scarves, and hats are a good bet"
-- Sorels or maybe Hunter Rain Boots ("NO UGGS")
9. For the sports fan girlfriend:
NFL Jersey, $94.99
Says one of our girls, "We're never going to buy our own jersey. We don't really understand sports, but we like pretending we know what's going on and like hanging out at the bar drinking with guys while they watch games. Stay clear from the pink jerseys though. That's for people living in New Jersey."
So it seems the feminist equal-rights movement has moved to sports jerseys arena. Interesting. In any case, do make sure you get something from the NFL Gear series that is sized for women. (Like the RGIII number up there. Actually just get the RGIII jersey too, regardless of what team she's a fan of, because RGIII kicks ass.)
8. For the blind girlfriend:
Warby Parker Glasses, $95
More or less ubiquitous in New York, Warby Parkers have long since made their way to the rest of the country. They look good, but more importantly for a guy on a budget who's looking to show his cultured side, they're a fucking monetary godsend: How many times do you have a "trendy" new item cost only $95? If your girlfriend wears glasses, find out her perscription and get a pair (for only $95), and if she doesn't, she can always use another pair of sunglasses (again, for only $95). Take a look at what sunglasses she already has, though. If you get a pair much larger than her other pairs, you might find yourself in a discussion about whether "she has a fat face." The answer to this is always, "No."
And if you do go the eyeglasses route, don't be mad if she dumps you after seeing you clearly for the first time.
7. For the active girlfriend:
Nike+ FuelBand, $149
THIS IS IMPORTANT and people who put together other, lesser gift guides will straight-up lie to you about this, so take it from us: If your girlfriend could stand to lose a few pounds, she's aware of her situation, and there's little to nothing you can say or do to make the situation change (if you're concerned about it). So buying a gift like this for her is idiotic and will not spur on any sudden trips to the gym. You'll just find yourself in a fight you can't win.
Instead, buy this or a similar "active" gift for girlfriends who are runners or gym nuts. It's a way for you to say "thanks" for putting in the work to look good, and it's an acknowledgement that you know what kind of hobbies she's into.
Buy her some yoga pants too. But those are really for you.
6. For 'that' girlfriend:
Tiffany's Jewelry, $150 - $275
All jewelry is more or less fine. If you've been in a committed relationship for a while, it's pretty much necessary at a certain point. But Tiffany's has that secret sauce that the other jewelry brands can't touch. Is the jewelry made of a higher quality than its competitors? I have no clue. Are the Tiffany's designs more original? I have no idea. Are the minerals conflict-free? Couldn't fucking tell you.
But the box the jewelry comes in, though... The blue box is magic. Think of it this way: Remember the timeless book series "Animorphs?" And remember the blue box created by Elfangor that had transformative powers? The Tiffany's blue box is just like that, only instead of turning Tobias into a hawk, it turns your girlfriend into a horny girlfriend.
Our advice: Spring for Tiffany's. Or take a normal silver necklace, cruelly etch in "Return to Tiffany's" on the back," and put it in a blue present box. I'm sure either would work.