Happy hour is one of the best things ever invented. It's when you can go to the bar for inexpensive drinks and a good time – basically the perfect setting for a college student. Unfortunately we can’t be in college forever and it’s hard as sh*t to get a job right now, so if we aren’t going to happy hour after class anymore, what should bros be doing? Well the answer is simple, “try” to get a job and still go to happy hour.
My friends and I did this the summer after we graduated college. We TRIED to get jobs and when we were unsuccessful we went to happy hour and drank away our jobless realities. It wasn’t until the third happy hour we went to (within the same week) that we realized we were the outcasts at the bar. For some reason going to happy hour was like being the last kid picked on the team during recess. Guys who came to the bar after work were flirting and talking to slam pieces and for some reason the girls wanted nothing to do with us. Why was this happening? We were all outgoing, decent looking and for the most part not totally broke.
There was only one thing missing that separated us from all the other guys during happy hour - a job. Not a part time job, I’m talking about a “big boy” job. The kind of job where a guy dresses nice, works Monday to Friday and has hot secretaries working in the offices. We needed a solution to this problem so I thought of a great idea. I suggested being like the guys from Workaholics and using the slogan from Old School, “All the fun of college, none of the education.” I translated that to, “All the perks of working, none of the actual work.” Perfection.
My friends loved this approach. So we put our minds together and came up with something brilliant. From now on we would go to happy hour and pretend to have jobs, which made us look like we were going to the bar after a long day of work (the complete opposite of what we were really doing). We got so good at “stretching the truth” and were having the time of our lives in no time. All of the sudden, we were meeting girls, hooking up and most importantly, we were getting drunk while doing it.
If you’re a jobless post grad bro and want to have an inexpensive fun time, do what we did – grab some friends, go to happy hour and follow these guidelines…
1. Get creative with your job.
If you’re going to make believe you have a job, why not make it an interesting one? The sky’s the limit so who says you can’t work for a well-known law or finance firm. How about HBO or WWE? Like I said, whatever interests you, but make sure you have some background knowledge of the “company” you work for as well as your “position.”
Bro Tip: I used an old internship ID (make sure it doesn’t say Intern on it) for proof and backup for my fake job.
2. Communicate with your friends.
It was too confusing for us to remember the specific jobs of each person, so split into two groups to make it easier. Half of the guys worked for one company and the other half worked somewhere different. This was convenient because people thought we were hanging with our co-workers but we were really just out with the usual guys.
Bro Tip: Never change your job without telling your friends. My friend did this because he thought a certain girl would like him more if he had different type of job then he originally picked. Drunken confusion f*cked him over with that one.
3. Dress up to dress down.
You want to pull off the “I just got out of work ” look, so pay attention. Start by putting on a suit (jacket optional). Wear a button down with a tie that doesn’t clash and put on nice shoes. Now it’s time to dress down. Remember why it’s called happy hour - work isn’t happy so now its time to have fun and look comfortable. Loosen up your tie and roll up the sleeves on your shirt but never un-tuck your shirt.
Bro Tip: Don’t forget to shave. One time I dressed the part but ruined it once I noticed my five o’clock shadow in the mirror of the bar bathroom.
4. Don’t talk to people who know your jobless.
Sometimes you’re going to run into people who know you don’t really have a job like the girl who’s always on Facebook or one of your parents’ friends. If you spot someone you know, try to avoid him or her like the plague. If they ask why you’re so dressed up make something up like: you had an interview or if you want you can always use the wake/funeral excuse but know that’s the more asshole thing to do.
Bro Tip: If you do get called out for lying - chug your beer and try to laugh it off.
5. Go the extra mile.
It doesn’t hurt to make up an office story. Talk to your friends about the terrible boss from work or the geeky interns your company just hired. Have some fun with this and improvise with your “co-workers.” If you really want to make your job convincing you can go above and beyond by making business cards.
Bro Tip: Don’t give your business cards to guys or one of your friends when you’re drunk, that’s a waste of money.
Have fun, drink up and start enjoying happy hour knowing you don’t have to wake up for work the next day! Good luck!