For anyone that follows the Chinese calendar, you know that 2012 is the year of the dragon.  However, the dragon referenced in the Chinese calendar is far different from what single men use the term for.  A dragon is a girl well below a guy’s standards that he hooks up with, usually when drunk, just for some action.  The idea being that one has to slay the dragons to get to the princess, or more appropriately the girl that meets or exceeds his standards.  Well unfortunately 2012 was my year of the dragon, under the latter definition of the word. 

                With 2012 coming to an end, I figure that I should get my story out as quickly as possible to warn all those prepping for New Year’s Eve when millions of guys will be randomly kissing a girl that they just met and millions will be slaying yet another dragon.  When the ball dropped at the end of 2011, I for the first time started off a year kissing a dragon and I truly believe that one single act impacted my entire 2012 relationship with women, never before had my standards been so low and my hookups been so disappointing.  For your enjoyment I will chronicle my hookups over the past year in hopes of discouraging you from making the same mistake that I did. 

                It was New Year’s Eve, I was in New Orleans and the clock was ticking down to midnight but I had yet to secure my New Year’s kiss.  Earlier in the night I had been doing pretty good work on a pretty attractive girl before my friend decided to step in and make me look like an ass.  So, I found myself in a time crunch as New Year’s Eve is easily the best hook up night of the year.  At a little after 11 pm, my friend and I saw an opportunity.  Two girls walking alone down Bourbon Street all by themselves, sure the girls were below our standards but the clock was ticking.  I started talking to the shorter, bustier girl, who had Es, which I guess was cool.  She was a Michigan co-ed who had travelled to New Orleans because Michigan was playing in the upcoming Sugar Bowl.  Anyways, we went to a bar had a few drinks, kissed at midnight and took her to my hotel.  Little did I know the curse I had brought upon myself. 

                In February I travelled to Las Vegas for my birthday.  Unfortunately as a graduate student, it is tough to convince any of your friends to take a weekend off of studying to go partying in Vegas so I decided to go solo.  Only problem was rooms were close to $200 a night and I was unwilling to pay that much.  I decided the best option was either to stay up all night waiting to get a room early the next morning or try to find a girl to stay with.  Late that night, an opportunity appeared to present itself in the form of a late-30s Persian women.  She comes up to me and says, “Where are you staying tonight.”  “I’m not sure, I don’t have a room right now,” I responded.  “Ok, you stay with me at the Luxor,” she concluded.  I was overjoyed; even though this woman was hardly attractive I had a place to stay.  We sat at the blackjack table for a few hours and made out at the table like two people possessed.  I gave her close to $400 to play blackjack and she promised to pay me back once we returned to her room.  After she blew through the money she begged for more which I was unwilling to give.  A minute later she went to the bathroom never to return, I was out $400 bucks and a place to stay.  Not to mention my mouth tasted horrible from the Persian ashtray I had been kissing.

                In May, I travelled to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, which would turn out to be the wildest and strangest month of my life.  My first night in Rio, a few of my friends took me to a place called the Balcony Bar.  When I arrived I was so drunk I barely realized what was going on, but for some reason I was a big hit with all the ladies there.  Tons of girls were dancing all over me; I kept thinking this place was great.  However, my excitement would be short lived as one of the girls whispered in my ear her fee for the evening.  I was outraged; I could not believe I was at a whore house.  After considering the situation for thirty minutes, which I find impressive considering my drunken state, I gave in.  The whole exchange would not have been so bad if my hostel would have allowed me to bring her into my room, but because of their refusal I had to find another place to stay for the night that was beyond my budget.  On the plus side, she did buy me breakfast in the morning. 

                The next weekend my buddies and I travelled to Buzios, which is a resort town about 2 hours northeast of Rio, for what would be another wild weekend.  After pounding drinks for hours, I found a table of Brazilian ladies around my age and decided to try and pick them up while speaking Portuguese; I do not speak Portuguese very well.  Fortunately for me, one of the ladies at the table was the 40 year old aunt of the girl I was trying to pick up and she spoke English very well.  For whatever reason, she translated for us all night including later on the dance floor when I was slobbering all over her niece’s face.  This girl was not necessarily a dragon, but the situation with her aunt was less than ideal and not something that I find to be in good taste.  Nevertheless, I got some action that I did not have to pay for. 

                Towards the end of the trip, one of my buddies had discovered that it was much cheaper to pay for the girls at a local strip club.  I really did not want to pay for anymore action, but I figured I could just sit at the strip club, watch the dancers and still have a good time.  One of the strippers, who was a short, cute, black girl, kept hounding me to take her to the back room, but I kindly refused.  However, after watching my buddy take numerous girls to the back I started to get bored and decided to follow the old saying “When in Rome.”  I really wish I had some gum to give her because her breath smelled like rotten milk and I found it very difficult to perform under the circumstances.  Also I accidently hit her in the breast which pretty much ended the whole ordeal. 

                After Brazil, I travelled home where I decided I wanted to cool it on strange sexual encounters, I was extremely disgusted in myself.  Unfortunately, things did not work out the way I had hoped.  One of my friends came in town for a weekend visit and we decided to hit up the clubs.  After spending hours trying unsuccessfully to pick up the top talent at the club, we found ourselves stuck with the scraps.  With our inhibitions greatly diminished from all the heavy drinking we picked up two Latino girls who were well below our standards, but at the time seemed just fine.  We took the girls back to my apartment; I lived in a small studio.  I took my girl on my bed while my friend took his on my parallel pull out couch.  I never wanted to watch one of my friends have sex, especially while the other girl yelled his name, but that was the situation I found myself in.  Both girls started moaning so loud in an attempt to drown out the other, I could not help but laugh hysterically.  It was a very strange night and not one that I hope to relive again. 

                On Halloween, I was able to pick up a girl right about the level of my standards.  However, I do not like picking up girls in my graduate program because of how small and gossipy it is so it was not a wise decision.  In the middle of our hookup, my nose started bleeding while I was straddled on top of her, odd that it occurred on Halloween.  Fortunately she did not notice, I ran to the bathroom cleaned myself off, and came back with a paper towel.  I said she had something on her face and washed it off.  Well she did in fact notice, she told all her friends, and I created quite the reputation for myself around school.

                My last failure occurred a few days before Thanksgiving while my buddies and I travelled to Las Vegas, my second time there this year.  After spending a few hours at the strip club, one of my buddies and I decided to call it a night.  Well, I thought we were calling it a night.  My friend had sat in the front seat of the cab and instructed the cabbie to take us to a massage parlor.  Once again I found myself extremely intoxicated in a situation that I was not fond of, but decided to just go with it.  The Asian masseuse gave me a standard massage, then she gave hand motions for a blow job and hand job and stated the price.  I decided to take the bj, but after a minute I realized that this woman was awful.  I tapped her on the shoulder and said how much for this while miming sex.  She stated the price and I agreed.  That was once again terrible; I should have just accepted the hj and saved my money. Plus I would have felt a lot better about myself the next day.  

                Overall, my year while very active was extremely disappointing.  The hookups that I listed were only the highlights from the year, I left out most of the uneventful dragons that I slayed.  I truly believe that if I had started the year on a better note, the rest of my year would have been better.  That is why when the ball drops at midnight this year I am finding myself a princess to kiss, and I would recommend that you do the same.