Game of Thrones is gone, Breaking Bad is still months away. What shall we do to fill the time? Recap and review the season premiere of True Blood, I suppose. LET’S GO!
WINNER: Mysterious British vampire assassins
Eric, Sookie, and the rest of the crew who joined the storm on Bill’s house at the end of season five (Jason, Tara, Pam, and Jessica) are seemingly boned. Between Bill’s turn into the vampire God and an army of super fast vampire soldiers, I don’t blame them. But Nora, Eric’s “sister” (through Godric’s generous gifts of vampirism), comes to save the crew and tells them Eric can fill them in on who she is. That’s needlessly evasive.
Oh, also, and now Bill can fly away like Poochie returning to his home planet on The Simpsons. Makes sense.
LOSER: Vampires who like the nightlife
Louisiana governor Truman Burrell (Arliss Howard) says the attack last season by Bill’s group on the True Blood factories has left their state, which is the most densely populated with vampires, in chaos. Just about 250 humans have been killed and sucked dry as a result of the shortage.
As a result, Burrell is imposing a curfew on all vampires after sundown (you know, the only time they can go out) and shutting down all vampire-run businesses. He also wants the people of his state to stock up on guns and wooden bullets.
LOSER: All of us for having to see Jessica sad
Given that Bill is Jessica’s maker, when the group discusses the fact they’re going to have to kill Bill, she responds poorly. But once she recognizes the danger he poses, Bill somehow does something to her that makes her vomit blood and makes her feel like he’s “squeezing her heart.”
Right beforehand, Jason holds a gun to Nora’s heart and demands to know where Warlow, the vampire who killed his parents, is. But Nora doesn’t know; all she knows is that in the Vampire Bible, Warlow is Lilith’s first progeny and somehow this is all connected. Sookie won’t allow Jason to kill Nora so he storms off after feeling like Sookie loves every single vampire on Earth more than him. Realistically, he’s probably right at this point. Werewolves and shapeshifters too. Jason is pretty far down the Sookie Love Food Chain at this point if she’s being honest.
WINNER: Arlene’s daycare center
Arlene tells Andy Bellefleur that she’s sick of taking care of the little half-human/half-fairy babies he got stuck with after not pulling out during his chance encounter with that fairy. But Andy won’t own up to fatherhood and all of the required work.
A quick pep talk from Arlene gets him on track, though, because realistically how long do we want to spend watching a third-tier character come to grips with parenting. Later in the episode, we see that the kids are now toddlers. These fairy bastards are genetic marvels.
And so begins what I’m sure will be the primary “comedic” plotline for the season.
LOSER: All the shapeshifters in the show
Sam comes into Merlotte’s expecting to be able to provide safe passageway to the daughter of his girlfriend, Luna, after she died in the wake of last season’s hijinks. But Lafayette is there drinking away the bar’s profits. Sam tells Lafayette that he never saw them since the little girl’s life depends on it. I’m not really sure why but I’ll take his word for it.
The important thing: Cherishing every moment of Lafayette sassiness.
LOSER: Attempting to stake Bill
Bill summons Jessica to his house. And Eric swoops in to save Jessica and Sookie from him, only to immediately get throttled against a wall. Sookie tries to save Eric by staking Bill to send him to the great beyond. Small problem: He doesn’t die. Bill tries to explain that he means no harm but Sookie, Eric, and Nora won’t accept it. Jessica wants to stay with Bill, though.
What a trooper. Squeeze her heart from the inside, she’ll still stay loyal. We can all use a woman like her.
WINNER: Government bailouts
Governor Burrell meets with a True Blood parent company representative, Ms. Suzuki. And he offers her a deal: Take a government bailout in the form of an abandoned bottling facility, start making True Blood again, and save his people from bloodshed.
All he cares about is getting money into the state so he can get reelected. Or so he says. But maybe we can take his claim of “not wanting to be the big bad” to heart. There are enough big bads in this world, as we’ve seen time and again.
WINNER: Being the pack leader
Alcide is out for a run and fuck with some girl when that wolf chick from last season catches him in the act. But right as Alcide is about to apologize, she initiates a threesome instead. But she tells Alcide, “I’m your number one. Don’t you forget it.” Craaaaazy. But still, threesome. That’s a reasonable sacrifice.
Government agents interrupt a love conversation between Tara and Pam. Tara wants Pam to give their love a chance, Pam only loves Eric, blah blah. But their squabble is meaningless when scopes from the governor’s agents in charge of shutting down vampire-run businesses are on them.
Tara gets put down but not killed, I guess. Darn.
WINNER: House deeds signed with blood
In the wake of Sookie saving Eric’s life by attempting to stake Bill, Eric decides to give Sookie her house back legally. He does so by using his blood as an inkwell because vampires. In an attempt to get her life back to normal, Sookie rescinds her invitation to Eric.
Nora then says they need to find Bill’s weakness and should use Sookie’s fairy powers to do so. She knows Eric is in love with Sookie but seems to have some evil plans in mind.
WINNER: Random rides from Rutger Hauer
An unnamed man (Rutger Hauer) picks up Jason after he ran away from the vampire squabble with Sookie. It’s unclear what his intentions are — and I say this without any knowledge about casting or whatever — but there is literally no doubt in my mind that he’s playing Warlow, the vampire who killed Jason and Sookie’s parents. It just feels like the most True Bloodful path to that reveal.
Oh hey! Surprise, Warlow reveals he’s Warlow to Jason before the end of the episode! Way to go, True Blood writers. In previous years, this’d be dragged out for a month and a half.
LOSER: Jessica’s emotions
Bill acts all supportive and such of Jessica as he explains how he doesn’t really know what he is either. But it all seems a little too put on.
Turns out it isn’t…Bill just didn’t have the crazy ghost spirit of Lilith inside of him. But he does at the end of the episode so things should all be peachy keen from here I’m sure.
Strong return after the year off, in my opinion. We got some actual resolution to hanging threads fast and the introduction of new characters actually made sense. The direction of Sookie pulling herself out of vampire business — and Eric acquiescing to that — probably won’t hold for long but it’d be a welcome change to have her not be the centerpiece of every bad thing to go down in Bon Temps for once.
Genuinely interested to see where this season goes.
Let’s give this one a healthy four out of five werewolf threesomes for really moving the ball forward.
I want more like this!
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