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Screw It, Let’s Live Blog This ‘Saved By The Bell’ Thing

By / 09.01.14
saved-bell

“Via Lifetime”


So, I have whiskey and Lifetime and a laptop computer. I think that uniquely qualifies me to live blog an unauthorized docudrama about the behind-the-scene DRAMZ of Saved by the Bell.

How will this thing work? You will hit refresh and more things will appear at the bottom of the screen. Things I have typed. That’s how this will work.

8:51: One glass of Wild Turkey Rye poured. I don’t know much about this, to be honest. I just saw people tweeting about it. If you want to know more, read this. I haven’t read that.

8:54: Lifetime is leading into this with 27 Dresses. KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.

8:59: As Heath Ledger would say in The Dark Knight, “here we go,” and then take a shit ton of pill and die.

9:00: How old were the SBTB kids? These actors look eight. They look younger than Bieber.

9:02: Wait? This is being told from the perspective of Screech? Let me be the first to say, ‘Live blog over.’ Why the fuck do I want to hear what the loser has to say? GIVE ME ZACK.

9:05: WE GOT THE BEAT WE GOT THE BEAT YEA

9:06: I have never seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High and I’m still offended they stole their opening number.

9:06: We got JAP jokes.

9:07: The hashtag for tonight is #UNAUTHORIZED. Yes, all caps required.

9:08: I actually have no idea how old a kid is supposed to be in the seventh grade so maybe these kids are the right age?

9:10: Nerd empowerment.

9:11: Let me be the first to say, setting a show in California is one RADICAL idea. 

9:13: Yea. No one would willingly audition for fucking Jessie.

9:14: Wow. This Mario Lopez is racist. He’s darker than Lisa.

9:16: We don’t have AC in our apartment. It should be noted that right now I am DYING. I should get hazard pay for this.

9:17: Seriously, were there no Anglicized Latinos available for this? He’s darker than original Michael Jackson.

mario-lop

Screenshot


9:22: And we’re alright fighting over Kelly. Was there any other plot to this show?

9:24: Wait, Mario Lopez supposedly knows how to dance and wrestle? Did they steal stories from the show to make this?

9:26: Immigrant Paul Gosselaar.

9:29: Whoa. You think Jessie Spano still hasn’t celebrated President’s Day? She might be able to in 2016.

9:33: There’s no way 12-year-olds in 1989 even knew what magazines were let alone where to find TV reviews.  

9:34: Ho Ho Ho Here’s my subscription to Variety. Arrives every month.

9:35: How many times did this show get fucking cancelled. Why didn’t they just give up? This persistence is stupid.

9:37: That redheaded dude in the back telling Screech that Lisa should go out with him? Definitely gonna grow up to be a flasher.

9:43: OH FUCK YES WE’RE ABOUT TO COMMODITIZE THIS BITCH 

9:44: Why is no one doing cocaine?

9:46: And on cue, they talk drug abuse. I am a savant.

9:47: Dude, is Mario about to bone a chick in the Max? Boss.

9:53: This is just like the scene in Pretty Woman where Richard Gere gives Julia Roberts the necklace before the opera.

9:54: No freaking way they called Peter Engel ‘Peter.’ They called him ‘Mr. Engel.’

9:57: It took an hour, but I figured out who this Zack actor looks like. Bleached blond Colin Farrell.

zack-colin

10:01: Via @MitchRapp_

alexander_28

@MitchRapp_


Hash. Tag. So. Much. Yes.

10:04: Zack and Kelly Prom time! It’s like the Enchantment Under the Sea dance for poor people.

10:05: Okay, real talk. There’s no way Dustin Diamond was this suave. I know he’s not a loser in real life, but this kid. Wayyyy too cool.

10:08: Oddly, I’m so not excited for this caffeine pills scene. Feels like they forced it in to get people to tweet about it. SHARKNADO.

10:10: No. No, no, no. NO ONE HAS EVER PUT VODKA IN A FLASK.

10:10: Whiskey. Whiskey goes in flask.

10:10: Speaking of which…

10:15: Who’s gonna play Leah Remini? Probably Leah Remini. She isn’t doing anything.

10:17: Pfft. No. There were not gossip rags covering these actors in 1991. Or maybe. I don’t know a lot about 1991.

10:20: I’m Ninja Screech from Ninja Beach and I’m here to make you Ninja… a fuck I forget the last word. (Of the Muscle Screech bit.)

10:25: So a dude dies in a car wreck and they’re just like YEA NINE SEASONS!

10:26: I’m super confused. Kelly goes to Paris? Did they steal SBTB plot lines from real life, or steal real life from SBTB plot lines?

10:28: That Asian dude just foreshadowed a Pitbull song.

10:30: Oh, yea. THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT PARIS LOOKS LIKE.

10:31: Three years later, she’s rolling a joint in the Walsh house.

10:32: EMO MILLENNIAL ALERT. She was right, though. Saved by the Bell didn’t last forever.

10:33: I hate when Millennials are right.

10:37: Tori! Tori! Tori! is about the time Leanna Creel bombed Pearl Harbor.

10:39: I’m gonna smoke so much pot after this to try and kill every brain cell I used tonight.

10:40: Motorcycle Paul Gosselaar

10:42: Did Justin Bieber just make out with Kelly?

10:45: Wait, there is no way Dustin Diamond got blackmailed for smoking pot. No way, whatsoever.  

10:46: ‘I just want a piece of what you got, D’ is just ripe for the taking.

10:51: They got the color of the robes wrong at graduation. How is that fucking possible?

10:52: LIKE, SERIOUSLY. LOOK.

zack-grad

Screenshot


10:54: These are blue.

blue

Screenshot


I’m done. That’s it. Thanks for reading.


TAGSDocumentariesLifetimeSaved by the Bell
David Covucci
About David Covucci... David Covucci is writer and blogger for BroBible dot com. He loves Twitter and whiskey. He can be reached at david.covucci@brobible.com.

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