We’re just getting moving on the stories of Game of Thrones season 3. You’ve watched the episode, now let’s recap the winners and losers of “Walk of Punishment”.
LOSER: The world’s worst archer
Robb Stark attempts to bury his grandfather with the rest of his bannermen. They set the body adrift on a small boat only for the archer to be completely incapable of hitting the boat with his flaming arrow. Set this scene to the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme and we’d be onto something.
Brynden Tully, aka Blackfish and Robb Stark’s main advisor, nails the boat with one shot. It’s probably an analogy for how he’s the only competent man in Robb Stark’s army.
WINNER: Tyrion’s neverending chair squeak
In another Larry Davidesque moment, Tyrion spends the first minute of his meeting with his Hand of the King father, Tywin, and the rest of the small counsel dragging a chair around the floor as it squeals the entire time. Peter Dinklage gets the best moments in this show.
Tywin devises a plan that would see Littlefinger marry Catelyn’s creepy sister, Lady Arryn. Littlefinger would have to serve as pointman for the awkward arrangement, leaving his Master of Coin title open. Tywin decides to give the position to Tyrion because if anyone knows money, it’s the guy who alternates between whores and wine and having no clue how much he’s paying Bronn.
WINNER: The baked goods of the Brotherhood without Banners
Hot Pie, the fat kid of Arya Stark’s trio of roaming child miscreants, opts to stay with the Brotherhood without Banners to pursue his baking career. No, really. He gives Arya a wolf-shaped cookie as a parting gift which she admits is delicious. This kid Hot Pie is going places. Look for him on the next season of Food Network’s Sweet Genius.
LOSER: Anti-Robb Stark propaganda
Talisa, Robb Stark’s wife, treats a distant Lannister family relative for some malady or another. He recognizes her as Robb Stark’s wife and asks if it’s true that Robb turns into a wolf at night and eats people. Talisa dispels the rumors…except when it’s a full moon. Knowing that he’s a Lannister, we’ll now have dozens of tortured puppies as a result of her tongue in cheek remarks. Way to go.
WINNER: Creepy Caster’s Holiday Inn Express beyond the wall
The Night’s Watch ends up spending some more time with ol’ Creepy Craster, the guy who lives beyond the wall and has sex with his daughterwives then sacrifices any baby boys that come from it. While Lord Commander Mormont and his men look beaten and exhausted, Craster uses it as an opportunity to suggest they eat poor Samwell Tarly. His jokes go over about as well as you’d expect the standup comedy of a drunken incest lover to go.
Meanwhile beyond the wall, the Wildling army featuring Jon Snow finds all of the Night’s Watch horses decapitated with none of the rangers remaining. This plot is crawling along.
LOSER: Stannis’s sperm count
Melisandre is leaving for somewhere unknown but Stannis desperately wants her to stay. He wants Joffrey dead. He wants Robb Stark dead. He also wants a son but Melisandre says he’s too weak, his “fires burn too low.” Sounds like ol’ Stannis isn’t slinging web like he used to. The Battle of Blackwater will do that to a man.
Melisandre departs to find the blood of a King for some more of her fire priestess magic. Or perhaps they’re out of Pop Tarts. One of the two, for sure.
WINNER: Daenerys’ negotiation skills
Daenerys voices her opposition to the loss of the lives of the innocents after seeing a man being crucified in the middle of town. He even rejects her offer of water. Just because you’re about to die doesn’t mean you have to be rude, guy.
Jorah and Barristan Selmy discuss how the loss of innocents is inevitable in war. Jorah recommends buying the Unsullied soldiers, all 8,000, because they’ll only do what they’re told and not take liberties with it. After some negotiation with the slave owner Kraznys mo Nakloz, she offers to trade one of the dragons for all of the Unsullied army. Kraznys accepts. Daenerys will also get the hot slave girl Missandei as a gift as part of the purchase. Dany would be a better sports agent than Jay-Z, that much is sure.
WINNER: Bronn’s nickname skills
Tyrion seeks some advice from Littlefinger on how to approach the job as Master of Coin. Littlefinger tells him that once he understands they’re just numbers on a page, it’s easy to get them to behave as you want. Apparently Littlefinger never played the game Number Munchers when he was in school. Those numbers were far too unruly for any man.
Bronn then drops the nickname of the century for Lord Baelish when discussing him with Tyrion, calling him “Lord Twatbeard.” If Tyrion is the MVP of this show, Bronn is the Sixth Man Award winner, for sure.
To thank Podrick for his services as Tyrion’s squire, Tyrion gives him access to three of Littlefinger’s finest whores to take his virginity. One girl even has the flexibility of the villain in a Japanese horror movie. Turns out, Podrick didn’t even have to pay because his cocksmanship was so strong. This guy, Podrick. Making pure magic with his squire dong.
LOSER: Theon. Always Theon.
Remember that unnamed kid who said he’d help Theon get freed from captivity? He lived up to his word! Until the guards figured out Theon was gone and caught up with him on horseback. They beat Theon down and Theon was literally seconds away from being anally raped (which is a little dark even for Game of Thrones. But the unnamed kid saves Theon again, dispatching of the guards with arrows. Theon’s ass lives to fight another day!
BIG BIG BIG LOSER: Brienne and Jaime’s Excellent Adventure
The Bolton bannermen hold Brienne and Jaime but are only under orders to keep Jaime alive. So they set out to rape — and I mean really rape — Brienne. It is not pretty. But Jaime talks them out of it, seemingly, by saying that she comes from nobility and that her family hails from the Sapphire Islands. Jaime seems to convince one of the Bolton bannermen that they would trade gems for Brienne being returned with her virginity in tact.
He may have saved Brienne’s hymen but Jaime’s slick tongue doesn’t buy him complete freedom. The Bolton bannerman unchains Jaime from the tree under the pretense of a night’s sleep and some partridge after Jaime says that he’ll get his weight in gold from the Lannister family if they return him unharmed.
But just as things seem to be looking up for Jaime, the Bolton bannerman turns, says Jaime’s father isn’t here to help him now, and chops his right hand off entirely with a blade. Rough day for all.
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Another episode featuring pieces being moved around for what seems to be a couple of big implosions forthcoming. Jaime losing his hand is a moment to remember and definitely unexpected if you’re someone who hasn’t read the books like I am.
Something tells me next week is going to be a doozy, though. Hopefully with less intimations around rape. Let’s keep the penetration solely limited to Podrick’s big slinging dick, shall we?