The look on the Khaleesi’s face accurately represents your humble recapper’s when he learned there’s to be no screener for this week’s episode.
Episode 6 was a game-changer for Game of Thrones. It concluded, as you are no doubt aware, with the dragon-napping of Daenerys Targaryen’s spawn. This represents a divergence from George R.R. Martin’s books that sent even the most knowledgable fans into a spiral of WTFitude. As such, the good folk at HBO have pulled up the drawbridge regarding pre-air screenings.
Yes, friends, this week, I’m watching it live. For any other show I wouldn’t bother you with this level of detail, but now you’ll know my secret: despite my encyclopedic-seeming knowledge, I watch Game of Thrones calling many characters “that guy who said that thing that one time. . .” Recappers, they’re just like you.
This week opens on that turncoat bastard (or deeply patriotic, depending on your point of view) Theon Greyjoy reaming out his staff for letting the Stark boys escape with Osha the Wilding and Hodor. He doesn’t hold back his anger, proving that he’s no longer afraid of being a leader in front of his fellow Iron Islanders. We then cut to the refugees on the road, debating whether or not to hid with a loyal Northern family.
Morning comes north of the wall where Ygritte begins to mock Jon Snow’s frozen blue balls, first asking if the Black Watch keep sheep at the wall, then declaring herself a “free woman.” Behind this Westerosian Nick and Nora routine, she speaks a bit about the political strife between the Northerners and Wildlings. If they have the same ancestors, why are they fighting because of an arbitrary wall? Snow doesn’t know, man. He’s just doing his duty (and thinking about baseball).
“Burn the villages, burn the farms!” says Tywin Lannister, filled with a quiet rage that the poison dart assassin has yet to be found. Little does he know, of course, that his cup-beater was the one who ordered the hit on Amory Lorch. Arya Stark, though, must have one of those faces that just get people to open up and start yapping. Maybe she’s got a career as a bartender when this is all over. Soon Tywin starts in on the history of Harenhal, dragon attacks and House Targaryen. But like a reverse of 007 catching a low-born ordering red wine with fish, he catches her as being of noble birth by referring him “my lord,” not “milord.”
Back in King’s Landing, Sansa Stark tries to give The Hound a thank you for saving her from raping hordes, but all he winds up doing is freaking her out and telling her that her beloved father had to have taken great joy in killing. Yeah, best to just stay the hell away from that dude.
Next time you wanna say thanks to this guy, go with an Amazon gift card.
In Qarth, Xaro Xhoan Daxos tries to chill out Daenerys Targaryen, but she’s ready to flip her desk over after the theft of her dragons. (That metaphor makes sense if you imagine Daenerys Targaryen’s job being one in an office, and not just floating around in golden dresses yelling about her destiny all day.)
At Robb Stark’s camp news comes that Cersei Lannister rejects Stark’s declaration of independence. (Not much surprise there.) Then the nurse Robb’s always making goo goo eyes at shows up at his tent just when the sun is setting giving highlights to her gorgeous hair. She gives him a list of things she needs for the wounded men and everyone breaks out into “Til Then” from the musical 1776.
Back up near Winterfell, Theon Greyjoy is beating up peasants and threatening Maester Luwin, hot on the trail on the fleeing Starks. Then they find something – a cracked nut that the youngest boy (Rickon) was eating. What a jerk. Kid does nothing whatsoever in the story this whole time – so much so I basically forgot he existed – but now his mess is gonna get them all killed. Such a twerp.
Across the water, Jorah Mormont returns to Qarth to find the Khaleesi really down in the dumps. She realizes that no one in Westeros gives a damn about her. Recalling how quickly the Dothraki left her once Khal Drogo fell from his horse, she recognizes that, without her dragons, she’s nothing. (She’s still plenty bossy for a woman with no power.)
Up in the north, Ygritte can’t stop teasing Jon Snow for his oath of celibacy. When she describes her private areas as being “warm” it has extra resonance up there in the freezing ice.
Just when it seems that Snow can’t take the abuse anymore, she frees herself. He gives chase and. . .wouldn’t ya know they’re surrounded by other Wildlings. Don’t feel too bad, Snow – deep down, she really did kinda sorta want to get busy with you. Maybe that’ll keep your spirits up when you’re taken prisoner.
“You’re a woman now, do you have any idea what that means?”
She awakens to find that she has menstruated for the first time. (Are you there, God? It’s me, Sansa.) She tries to hide the bloody sheets – with handmaiden/Tyrion’s spy Shae helping – but you can’t keep something like this quiet in this town.
Cersei takes Sansa aside where she drops some knowledge on her. “The more people you love, the weaker you are.” She will be forced to bear Joffrey’s children, but it would appear that no one will force her to love him. The Queen Regent is actually a little bit kind to her – and it seems legit.
Remember Jaime Lannister? We’ve not seen him in a bit, but the messenger who brought the news to Robb Stark is sent to hang out with him in the brig for a while. Jaime isn’t really himself (living tied to a wooden post will do that to you) but after discussing past battles, we see that Jaime is, indeed, a man of action with vision.
He wants to break out – and this young Lannister cousin wants to help. How can he help? He has to die! Cue Jaime bashing his head in and using his corpse as bait for a guard to enter the cage with his. . .um. . .guard down.
Back with Jorah, on the hunt for the dragons, now consulting that creepy woman with the tile-hijab that covers her face. She’s giving someone a neck-to-ass tattoo and lets loose with a bunch of mumbo-jumbo but, really, is hard to make any sense of with that stuff on her face. It’s foreboding and it has to do with the dragons, let’s leave it at that.
The Khalesi and XXD, however, approach”The Thirteen” – the ruling council of Qarth.Then some crazy shit goes down. The dragons are declared to be in the House of the Undying (that gross Skeletor dude’s place) where they are protected by the King. Of course, there is no King in Qarth. . .until now! XXD steps forward -he’s in league with the House of Undying? – and assassins appear. Suddenly, the rest of the council is dead. The spooky dude’s astral projections invite them to come to the House of the Undying to see the dragons.
Back at the front we see that Jaime Lannister hasn’t gone far. He’s caught by some dude in a white beard who flips the hell out when Catelyn Stark won’t let the mob kill him.
In the capitol, Cersei whines to Tyrion that Joffrey won’t listen. “Is this the price for our sins?” she asks, regretting her decision to bear children with her brother. Tyrion reminds her that the other kids are not monsters and – for a brief moment – they are nice to one another. It’s almost more gross than the incest.
As night comes the Stark camp is itching to kill Jaime Lannister. Catelyn and her gargantuan bodyguard Brienne go to give caged Kingslayer some harsh words, but he’s able to pull some mind games on her.
Finally, Theon Greyjoy stands in the main square near Winterfell, to show off some dead children cooked cajun style – are these the two missing Stark children?
And thus ends another episode of Game of Thrones. It’s crazy, because I feel like each week things just get more complex. How will there be any possible sense of closure with just two episodes left? I hope this season doesn’t end with disappointment. With this anxiety gnawing at me, I give this episode 6 Roasted Children out of 10.
I want more like this!
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