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Guyism Speed Round for March 18

Everybody on Earth owns CNN for being dummies over the weekend

By / 03.18.13

Candy Crowley

CNN



Cable news network sympathizes with teenage rapists, it doesn’t turn out to be a good idea. So one of the biggest stories this weekend was the verdict in the Steubenville rape trial – you know, the one where the football team perpetrators took advantage of a teenage girl when she was drunk and then took photos of her passed out naked? The two defendants were found guilty, of course.

So the right way to report a verdict like this is probably something like “OK, justice has been done, how can we make sure that a culture that allowed this kind of horrible crime can be corrected into something that respects all human beings equally,” right? Not for CNN’s Candy Crowley and Poppy Harlow. Their spin on the whole thing was talking about how sad it is that the “promising lives” of the two rapists had been “ruined.” I’m not even kidding. Here’s the video.

Okay, you know what ruined the lives of these high school football players? Raping somebody. If you don’t want to be convicted of rape, don’t rape anybody. That seems like a pretty basic life lesson. Even more hilariously, Crowley didn’t speak a single word about the actual victim of the crime and how her life was affected by being stripped naked, sexually interfered with, photographed multiple times, et cetera.

So naturally, the entire world took the opportunity to poop all over the struggling news network’s faces on social media. CNN’s Facebook page is overflowing with people calling them out for CNN’s statements and demanding an apology (in between “breaking news” posts about March Madness brackets and St. Patrick’s Day recipes), which the network does not seem willing to give. Here’s a tiny sample.

The funniest thing about the whole mess is that the Onion, as always, predicted it years ago. Watch this video.


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About K. Thor Jensen... K. Thor Jensen is an award-winning writer and graphic novelist who lives on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. His website is Shortandhappy.com. He fought six Draculas and won.

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