Wrestlers are in sports entertainment. They are required to do athletic things but they also need to act. They work in front of a camera while doing improv, performing sketches and cutting promos all in front of a live audience. It’s like being in The Groundlings only you abuse steroids and amphetamines until you’re dead. With their good looks and experience performing, these guys should make excellent film stars. They frequently don’t. Here is a list of seven wrestlers in movie roles. We avoided people playing themselves or playing a wrestler. Otherwise you know Bonesaw would have led this list off. Team Madness for life!
Photo Credit: YouTube/WWE
7 Batista – ‘Wrong Side of Town’
Physically he might be the most terrifying wrestler ever. Until you see his belly button tattoo. You can’t look tough with one of those. The whole movie, I’m wondering if he has a matching one around his butthole. I’m not Googling that. He’s recently gotten into mixed martial arts so even before searching his IMDB you knew he definitely has ambitions outside of the wrestling world. Wrong Side of Town. Featuring Rob Van Dam, Ja Rule and Omarion. And strippers. Lots of strippers. I’m usually good at sussing out bad movies by watching trailers but this thing looks fun. $2 on Amazon? Sold!
6 Andre the Giant – ‘Princess Bride’
There are three good movies on the list and this is the first one. Its fun and with a fantasy setting its actual fairly timeless. He plays a gentle giant. Obviously. I mean what else could he play? There is always going to be an element danger to a man that big but Andre had a zest for life. This was a man who liked to have fun and that was going to shine through no matter how terrifying he was. While filming in England Andre stayed in a hotel for a month. When he checked out his bar bill had reached $40,000. What does Andre the Giant drink at a bar? Everything. He drinks everything.
5 Kevin Nash – ‘Magic Mike’
The law says you cannot touch, but I think I see a lot of lawbreakers up in this house tonight. I haven’t seen Magic Mike five times. Male strippers don’t get me excited. I’m a strictly female stripper kind of guy. When I heard Big Sexy Kevin Nash played a dancer named Tarzan though I pre-ordered the blu-ray. Scene breakdown: Tarzan refuses to sell any of his moves and isn’t getting enough love from the ladies. Fed up he rips his jock off and throws it into the crowd. Where it’s caught by the retired Scott Hall. They lock eyes and Hall walks onto the stage. They fist bump and proceed to burn the place down with sexy dance moves. The guys are soaked with sweat. The ladies, well they’re just soaked.
4 Hulk Hogan – ‘Suburban Commando’
The movie we’ve been waiting 21 years for a sequel to. He’s an alien who accidentally crash lands on Earth where he rents out a spare room in Christopher Lloyd’s condo. They team up to defeat a couple of alien bounty hunters. Then **SPOILER ALERT** they take some rare crystals that just happen to be in Lloyd’s office to repair his ship and everybody lives happily ever after. Totally plausible. I looked on Amazon for the book it was based off of and couldn’t find it anywhere. I can’t believe it’s possible somebody just made this up. Serious question though. Why are there so many god damn bounty hunters in space? Everybody is always either a bounty hunter or running from a bounty hunter. Wouldn’t life be more enjoyable if some of these people actually learned a trade and got a real job? Space is already devoid of oxygen and full of radiation. It’s shitty enough without all these maniacs running around.
3 Rowdy Roddy Piper – ‘They Live’
I’m in the bag for this movie since I’m already such a big John Carpenter fan. My band is named the John Carpenter Blue Explosion. My voicemail is carefully edited Donald Pleasance clips. I quit my job and spent the summer of 2008 stenciling crude Kurt Russel drawings all over New York. So please forgive the gushing.
Carpenter is only 64 years-old but is in semi retirement. I don’t really know why. My guess though is that studios won’t let him make the movies he wants. It’s a shame because we’ll never see something like They Live again. The pace, tone and casting are amazing. Rowdy Roddy Piper is an offbeat but perfect choice for the lead. He’s tough, funny and plays down on his luck more believably than most action stars could ever dream of. He is a poor man’s Bruce Willis and keeps this spaceship of crazy grounded. I can’t believe he didn’t do more movies.
2 HHH – ‘The Chaperone’
It’s amazing how bad the hair on these guys looks when you see them in a non wrestling scene. He was in Blade Trinity playing a vampire. If you have long terrible hair when somebody turns you vampire does that mean every time you try to cut it off it’ll grow back? His only starring role is in the The Chaperone which is clearly a rip off of Vin Diesel’s The Pacifier, but I’d like to think of it as more an homage to Hulk Hogan’s Mr. Nanny. WWE has their own movie studio and this is one of the dozens of crappy movies they’ve made. All of which star WWE wrestlers.
1 The Rock – ‘The Rundown’
Finally The Rock. The Rock hasn’t been in the best wrestler movies, but he’s definitely found the most success as an actor. He’s starred in over 20 films most of which have been big budget productions. I really don’t have to use a WWE Studios movie here, but The Rundown is my personal favorite. He whips ass, (of course), doesn’t use guns, (how British) and is an amateur chef. (huh?) The movie also features, Seann William Scott, Rosario Dawson, Christopher Walken and a fictional fruit that’ll get you high called the Konlabos.
I want more like this!
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