We're halfway through the third season of the hit FX show “Archer,” and thankfully it's already been renewed for a fourth season. For those unfamiliar, Sterling Archer, the show’s eponymous protagonist, is a James Bond redux with a penchant for drinking on the job; banging hookers; and occasionally detaining/executing terrorists, druglords, and other varieties of supervillain. Plus, he’s a former All-American lax Bro to boot. A few weeks ago, Archer riffed on his predecessors (notably Ethan Hunt from “Mission: Impossible”) by fulfilling his self-proclaimed “lifelong dream” of staging a fight on top of a moving train. This got me to thinking: Where would Sterling Archer rank among Hollywood’s pantheon of legendary badass secret agents?
Before we begin, let’s get one thing straight: Deadliness alone does not an iconic secret agent make. Everyone from Jason Bourne to Austin Powers to some pre-pubescent joker named Cody Banks has proven capable of kicking ass when called upon. So I devised a list of diverse criteria by which to evaluate fictional secret agents, then gave 1 to 10 points for each category, and arrived at what I'm calling the Badass Motherf*cker Rankings. The BAMF Rankings account for not only the agents' ability to successfully negotiate a difficult mission, but also for their exploits as playb*ys, in other words boozing, bedding babes with thick accents, and generally embracing the lifestyle perks that come with being a secret agent.
The 10 criteria are as follows:
Threads: If you want to take a girl home from a PKE party, you wear a lax pinnie. If you want to take a girl home in Monte Carlo, you’ll need something elegant, monochromatic, and finely tailored to your specific dimensions.
Horsepower: At some point, I’m sure you and your friends have sat around ripping bongs and taking turns making “glory runs” on Grand Theft Auto. In other words, trying to attract as many computer-generated 5-0 as possible before finally succumbing to a bout of questionably warranted police brutality. That’s what this category is all about —except none of these guys ever get caught.
Gadgets & Guns: This one is less about the specific agent and more about the imagination of his agency’s technical department. And don't forget: the gadgets are just as important as the firepower.
Womanization: Pretty self-explanatory. Quality, quantity, and post-coital ridicule are all taken into consideration. Using sex as a bargaining chip — a maneuver typically associated with the lesser gender in real life — is especially commendable.
Quipability: Some secret agents piss verbal excellence every time they open their mouths. They seem to have the perfect double entendre or smart-ass remark for every situation.
Lethality: For this one I will rely on a complicated but altogether subjective formula that factors in kill count, diversity of weapons wielded, martial arts acumen, sangfroid, and strength of schedule (e.g. Dr. No > Dr. Evil).
Escape Artist: Whether by virtue of fortune or foresight, elite secret agents — like dudes who wake up next to pig-faced grenades — have a proclivity for emerging unscathed from even the most regrettable of blackout hook-ups circumstances.
Tactical Knowledge: Some of these commie killers get by solely on the merits of their physical superiority and/or ace marksmanship. Others use a devastating combination of cunning, field knowledge, and ... who am I kidding … physical superiority and ace marksmanship. But because I can’t quite let go of my childhood fantasies, we’re going to pretend like this shit is important.
Toxicity: Staving off a horde of Albanian terrorists hell bent on manslaughter is difficult enough while on the wagon. Those who do it with a pint of whiskey running through the bloodstream certainly deserve a tip of the cap (pun intended).
Stealth: Disguises, subterfuge, and elaborate ruses welcome. Who best puts the “secret” in “secret agent”?
Again, agents have been evaluated on a scale of 1 to 10 in each of these 10 categories to achieve an overall composite, hereby referred to as Overall Badassitude. They're listed below according to value.
Without further ado:
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