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Two guys were going to kill Justin Bieber and cut his nuts off

By / 12.13.12
Justin Bieber

Island / Def Jam


The cops stopped them because cops are the worst people on Earth. Are you ready for the craziest crime story you’ll read this week (unless DMX gets in trouble again?) Two scumbags from New Mexico just got brought in for an ambitious scheme that could have led to the castration and murder of Justin Bieber. Hold on to your hats, people, this is a wild ride.

Our tale starts in Las Cruces Prison, where a real winner of a dude named Mark Staake was doing hard time. While in jail, he met a man named Dana Martin, a convicted serial killer and rapist. Martin really impressed Staake and tasked him with some important work: once he got out of prison, he needed to kill four people by strangling them with a paisley necktie – Martin’s trademark. Two of those people were old acquaintances in Vermont. And one of them… was Justin Bieber.

Martin believed that if he was responsible for the death of Bieber, he’d become the most famous man in prison and be able to use his new notoriety to… hell, I don’t even know. Get more cigarettes? What do you expect from a grown man who’s murder weapon of choice was a Goddamn paisley necktie? There are other motivations at work here, though, as Martin is also a grown man with a tattoo of Justin Bieber on his thigh. So he’s got some issues here.

When he got out of jail, Staake recruited his nephew Tanner Ruane to drive to Vermont with him. They pair made a deal: Staake would do the murdering and Ruane would cut the testicles off with a pair of garden shears. Unfortunately for these two idiots, they ran into cops in Vermont who pulled Staake in for violating his parole. Ruane got picked up later in New York City after calling Martin in jail to apologize for screwing up the murders.

So Justin Bieber lives to sing another day. But this can’t be the only crazy-ass murder plot out there, can it? Who else do you think is gunning for him?


TAGSassassinationcastrationCrimeJustin BieberJustin Bieber death threatMark StaakeMurderNew MexicoTanner Ruane
K. Thor Jensen
About K. Thor Jensen... K. Thor Jensen is an award-winning writer and graphic novelist who lives on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. His website is Shortandhappy.com. He fought six Draculas and won.

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