(If you’re going to get shot, might as well get shot in an all white outfit)
I wish it was as easy as saying, “Hey Suge, stop getting shot at, man!”, but when your name is a nickname of a nickname, you just march to the beat of your own drum, I suppose. That being said, Suge just needs to stay away from guns. And people. He definitely needs to stay away from people, too.
So, I have come to the conclusion that Suge Knight is Wolverine and his bones are made of adamantium. When I heard he got shot, I immediately thought, “Oh Suge, that silly bastard. Getting all shot and stuff.” There was zero concern for his mortality because his bones most likely deflect bullets. Lots of bullets.
Let’s breakdown Suge’s gun-related “legal issues” to see if we can truly ascertain that he is a Marvel superhero in a big, black, polar bear-looking dude disguise.
Suge ‘Was Around’ When Tupac and Biggie Got Shot (1996)
I put quotes around that because I don’t want Suge to kill me – these are the things you have to do when you’re dealing with a psychotic rap mogul/bear that is impervious to harm.
With that out of the way, Suge probably, most likely had something to do with the deaths of Tupac Shakur (unless he’s living lavishly and comfortably in Cuba) and Christopher “Notorious B.I.G.” Wallace. But, ya know, he basically pulled the ultimate ¯_(ツ)_/¯ and people eventually stopped asking questions.
While the Biggie situation is less discussed and appears to be cloudier, Snoop Dogg has adamantly attacked Knight for having Pac killed. But yeah, I’m going to stop typing now so I can prevent my life expectancy from being stunted.
Suge Gets Shot At A Pre-VMAs Party Pt. 1 (2005)
In arguably the strangest, least believable scenario ever, Suge took a convincing, shooting-related L to none other than…Kanye West. Granted, Kanye obviously did not shoot Suge and most likely was not around when the shooting occurred, but it was at his party where the shooting took place. Luckily for Kanye, he was most likely too busy talking about how he created the overall concept of parties and having fun to even be near/concerned with the shooting. Nonetheless, Suge got shot in the leg and “allegedly” had his femur broken by the bullet. Adamantium don’t break, bruh. This one has sketchy written all over it strictly because he somehow got injured.
He also lost a $100K+ earring that night. In case you didn’t know, you’re a nobody in the rap game if you haven’t gotten a recklessly expensive piece of jewelry stolen off your person in a shooting. Day one stuff, really.
Suge Gets Shot At A Pre-VMAs Party Pt. 2 (2014)
Suge Knight was shot at a club last night. Which I think means 6 more weeks of summer.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) August 24, 2014
Word on the street is that Suge was just “in the way” of other targets, but that’s simply not believable at this stage in the game. Maybe those particular bullets weren’t meant for him, but I’m sure someone had a hot-16 waiting for him. When you’ve beat up, stolen from, and offended everyone in a particularly law-averse industry, you always have a target on your back.
He was allegedly shot once in the arm and five times in the stomach. While the situation is still very tenuous, Suge is expected to make a full recovery because obviously. Adamantium ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.
Apparently, some of those gunshots were meant for Chris Brown and/or Justin Bieber, but:
I want more like this!
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