Most of the time, guys can tell the difference between films geared toward them and films that are geared toward women. It’s pretty simple. We just know to stay away from any movie starring Amanda Seyfried, and instead, use that money to go see films that star Jason Statham. Every now and then though, Hollywood tries to trick us. At first glance, the films below have all of the characteristics that make them seem like guy movies (sports, sex, large objects being blown up, crazy action scenes, unbelievably hot women, etc.), but in reality, they are really just giant romantic mush-fests.
Photo credit: YouTube/Touchstone Pictures
7 Slumdog Millionaire
This was an all around incredible movie. It had action, suspense, gangsters, two conflicted brothers with opposite morals, and a ridiculously hot leading lady. But after all was said and done, the film ends with romance and erupts into a giant Broadway musical with a full on dance number. That’s like ending an NBA playoff game with 10 minutes of Glee.
This film is the story of a playboy bartender, who becomes the hottest attraction in town, has the world at his fingertips, and has women literally throwing themselves at him. Every guy has wanted to be Tom Cruise in Cocktail at some point in his life. That is, until the 2nd half of the film, where…boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy loses girl, boy chases after girl, boy wins girl back, men in movie theaters everywhere cringe.
5 Coyote Ugly
What guy wouldn’t want to see a movie with 6-foot supermodels dancing half naked on a bar top? We dished out our hard earned money with hopes of experiencing a big budget Skin-emax flick, but instead we got a 90-minute LeAnn Rimes music video. Well played, Hollywood. Never again.
4 Keeping the Faith
“Oh, hey! It’s that kooky guy from There’s Something About Mary and that badass from Fight Club and American History X teaming up in a comedy as a priest and a rabbi! This is gonna be hilarious.” That’s exactly how they lured us in. As a result, we got one long religious joke, a few minutes of chuckles, and then 85 minutes of two hopeless romantics pining over an constantly-bawling Jenna Elfman.
3 Top Gun
Look at that…Tom Cruise made the list again. This movie is supposedly the epic story of a young aviator training in the Navy’s Fighter Weapon School. It actually has some pretty entertaining flight sequences, but the “greased up/shirtless in jeans volleyball” montage to Kenny Loggins’s Playing with the Boys and the love making scene to Take My Breath Away see to it that you come out of the film questioning your masculinity. That’s strike two, Cruise.
2 Pearl Harbor
Action movie fans and history buffs everywhere were anticipating this big budget blockbuster’s portrayal of the attack on Pearl Harbor. While the actual attack sequence was pretty impressive, the love triangle storyline that we had to sit through to get there was even more painful than Ben Affleck’s attempt at believable acting.
1 Jerry Maguire
Strike three. Tom Cruise deserves some sort of special witchcraft award for his consistent ability to make us believe we are sitting through a guy movie. This is his third movie on the list and it’s the best example of all. The movie starts off with sports, the business of sports, and a hot Kelly Preston sex scene. But then they throw in Renee Zellweger (whose lip pucker and squinty eyes alone have the ability to neuter a man) and a quote (“You complete me”) that makes the already-hard-enough-to-say “I love you” no longer acceptable. An hour into the movie you’ve realized you’ve been duped, but by then, it’s just too late to walk out.
I want more like this!
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