Romantic comedies are a bullet that all guys have to bite every once in a while, but some are much, much worse than others. But the truly torturous romantic comedies go beyond being merely bad, and enter the realm of the truly obnoxious. And so to make sure that your head doesn’t explode from biting that romantic comedy bullet, we thought we’d bring you this helpful list, just in time for Valentine’s Day, of the 50 most obnoxious romantic comedies of them all.
50 ‘How Do You Know’
Reese Witherspoon is an ex-softball star who can’t pick between idiot horndog baseball player Owen Wilson and the more sensitive but neurotic Paul Rudd. This is a James L. Brooks film, and he has a history of putting together slightly more interesting and complex romantic comedies, but this is as about as clichéd as it gets, and not one of the three leads is even remotely likable here. Oh, and Jack Nicholson is around for some inexplicable reason, but even he can’t save this turd.
49 ‘The Wedding Planner’
Jennifer Lopez plays a wedding planner who falls in love with Matthew McConaughey, the groom of the latest wedding she’s planning. Oops! Hijinks ensue and everyone gets to watch J-Lo stumble around for an hour and a half, making an ass out of herself before McConaughey shockingly realizes he’s actually in love with her, and blah, blah, blah, this is every romantic comedy you’ve ever seen with the added obnoxiousness of J-Lo doing exactly the kind of thing that saw her career trajectory go from A-list star to American Idol judge.
48 ‘Pretty Woman’
I’ll probably catch some heat for this one, but I don’t care. I mean… come on. The movie is just ridiculous. Rich dude falls in love with a hooker and “rescues” her, and she falls in love with him because… I don’t know, he’s rich? This movie is obnoxious because it’s actually kind of offensive if you think about it for more than two seconds.
47 ‘Runaway Bride’
Julia Roberts and Richard Gere reteam for this movie about a runaway bride (who would have ever guessed?) and the reporter who chases after her because I guess that’s news, and blah blah blah, guess who falls in love? By this point, Gere was sliding into old age, which made things even creepier, and the blatant attempt to cash in on Pretty Woman a decade later is just so obvious and desperate and sad.
46 ‘Never Been Kissed’
Drew Barrymore plays a reporter who’s somehow never been kissed even though she’s Drew Barrymore and goes undercover in a high school for some inexplicable reason even though she’s obviously too old, where she falls in love with a teacher and pretty much ruins his life. But hey, it’s cool because she’s gots to have it. Truly, a tale of sociopathy and social retardation that everyone can love.
45 ‘Juno’
Look, Juno isn’t a bad movie, it’s just that, well, Juno herself is so goddamn unlikable. I know that’s considered heresy in some corners of this here internet, but that’s kind of the point – she’s just so obnoxiously buzzy and hipsterish, so transparently appealing to the sort of intellectual dumpster divers who spend all day glorifying their special snowflake status on Tumblr, that it just ruins whatever good stuff the movie has going on for it. And I know that’s what also makes it unique and interesting to people, but you have to admit, that shit will wear you out.
44 ‘Good Luck Chuck’
Dane Cook plays a dude who crushes all sorts of ass, but has to pull it together and prove he isn’t, well, Dane Cook in order to land Jessica Alba. Look, I could have just stopped at “Dane Cook” and you would have instantly understood why this movie is so obnoxious.
43 ‘Employee of the Month’
More Dane Cook hijinks, only this time his would-be paramour is Jessica Simpson, which I’m pretty sure is what the Book of Revelations was about. Then again, I’m sure that Jesus would flat-out refuse to come back if he knew this was the sort of thing we were doing here on Earth.
42 ‘Valentine’s Day’
This is an obvious and horrible attempt to trade in on the model set by the much better Love Actually. It stars a cast of thousands, from Ashton Kutcher to Taylor Lautner, and… do I really have to go on? Special points go to tired old Julia Roberts for allowing the filmmakers to drag her into this just so they could point at her and say “See, it’s Julia Roberts!”
41 ‘When in Rome’
Kristen Bell gets wrapped up in a magical fountain in Rome that makes every dude alive want to get all up on that, which makes it hard for her to believe that Josh Duhamel really loves her for her and not just the stupid magic fountain. If you managed to read all of that without your eyes glazing over or without contemplating just building a shack in the woods, then congratulations, you are a true survivor. You should also probably reevaluate some things.
40 ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’
Julia Roberts is secretly in love with her best friend and spends the entire movie trying to ruin his wedding to the much sweeter Cameron Diaz because she’s a horrible, horrible person. Seriously, what is romantic about this? Or funny for that matter?
39 ‘Just Married’
Ashton Kutcher gets married and proceeds to have a honeymoon from hell because he’s Ashton Kutcher and Europe hates him as much as America. This is the sort of thing that made Dane Cook think he could have an acting career, but really, couldn’t he and Ashton duel Highlander style or something instead of making us watch their shitty movies?
38 ‘My Boss’s Daughter’
Ashton is at it again, this time hooking up with Tara Reid, who in an amazing plot twist just happens to be the boss’s daughter. The tagline to this turd is “There are some things you just don’t do.” Yeah, like make this movie.
37 ‘Maid in Manhattan’
Jennifer Lopez puts her spin on the whole Pretty Woman/Cinderella/Oh God, Make it Stop story with this tale in which she plays a maid who falls in love with a rich dude, only he doesn’t know she’s “just” a maid, and again, this is why even Simon Cowell won’t work with you anymore, J-Lo. Someone must have blackmailed Ralph Fiennes, it’s the only explanation.
36 ‘Sex and the City’
The only reason this isn’t ranked higher is because you all knew what you were getting when you walked in that theater. This is basically Lady Entourage, and it reinforces every wretched stereotype out there while at the same time trying to convince you for the one billionth time that Sarah Jessica Parker is some sort of golden prize that all men chase after, which… no.
35 ‘Dr. T and the Women’
Richard Gere plays a gynecologist adored by his clients, and… come on, really? Who thought this was a good idea? Watching this movie feels more like a visit to the proctologist.
34 ‘All About Steve’
Sandra Bullock plays a socially awkward creeper who’s obsessed with Bradley Cooper, and to really hammer home the point, she proceeds to act as obnoxiously as possible the whole movie. Because nothing says romance like possibly retarded stalkers, right?
33 ‘Ghosts of Girlfriends Past’
Matthew McConaughey basically plays himself here as a randy douchebag who gets haunted by the ghosts of his exes during his brother’s wedding so they can teach him about true love or some such horseshit. It’s a not so clever take on A Christmas Carol, and I’m sure Charles Dickens would have been totally cool with his classic getting bastardized by Wooderson from Dazed and Confused.
32 ‘The Bachelor’
This is the movie, not the hit reality show, which makes sense since it was made back when Chris O’Donnell still had delusions of being a movie star. Movies like this, though, are the reason he’s currently acting opposite LL Cool J on network TV. The story is simple – a commitment-phobic jerk has to get married in order to collect his uncle’s inheritance, which in this horrible universe causes all women everywhere to become raving lunatics and O’Donnell to find true love with Renee Zellweger, who spends the whole movie looking like she just got done sucking on a lemon.
31 ‘Killers’
Ashton Kutcher plays a government assassin (I’ll give you a minute to stop laughing.) who falls in love and marries Katherine Heigl, AKA Lady Kutcher, and the rest of the plot is too mind-numbingly stupid to even sum up. Somehow Tom Selleck gets involved, there’s lots of gunplay and both Kutcher and Heigl are as likable as they always are, which means pretty much not at all.
30 ‘This Means War’
Reese Witherspoon falls in love with two different dudes, but doesn’t know that they’re actually both CIA agents, and ohmygosh, partners! Does the fun ever start? Naturally, the two agents, played by Chris Pine and Tom Hardy, both act like sociopathic assholes in an attempt to win her heart, and hey, it’s yet another movie in which everyone sucks! Hooray!
29 ‘Failure to Launch’
Matthew McConaughey basically plays himself, only it’s a version of himself that inexplicably still lives with his parents, much to the displeasure of his perfect girlfriend played by… wait, Sarah Jessica Parker? Who writes this crap? Also, Terry Bradshaw’s bare ass makes a cameo, which is something none of us needed.
28 ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’
Yet another one of those cast of thousands movies, this one features a bunch of loosely related stories all based on the obnoxious self-help book of the same name. The primary story involves a commitment-phobic dude who finally gets nagged by his girlfriend into taking the plunge. The girlfriend is played by Jennifer Aniston, which means she probably didn’t even know she was acting.
27 ‘Fever Pitch’
Aside from being another sad attempt at proving to the world that Jimmy Fallon was the next big thing in movie star land, this one is particularly obnoxious because it was a lazy, crappy Americanized version of the excellent English novel of the same name about a dude obsessed with soccer, and how it messes with his relationship. Naturally, Fallon and company turned it into one big Red Sox fan cliché, all while Drew Barrymore chimed in with her usual mildly autistic performance.
26 ‘What Happens in Vegas’
Ashton Kutcher plays a dude who hits the jackpot in Vegas, only to discover that he also got shitfaced drunk and married Cameron Diaz while he was there, and she won’t leave until she gets her half of the money. Charming. With likable characters like that, how could they miss?
25 ‘I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry’
Dirty little secret – most Adam Sandler movies are actually romantic comedies. But none are quite as obnoxious as this, which is about two firefighter bros who decide to pretend to be gay so they can get benefits, all while Sandler tries to avoid popping a woody every time Jessica Biel sashays by in her underwear. Look, when the premise of your movie is “It’s funny because they’re not really gay,” you might need to rethink some things.
24 ‘Bringing Down the House’
Queen Latifah plays a prisoner who cons Steve Martin via pen pal shenanigans into falling in love with her because she needs his legal skills, and… this is killing my soul just writing about it. Did Steve Martin owe people money? What in the hell is going on here?
23 ‘New Year’s Eve’
The worst of the Love Actually ripoffs, this insipid abuse of celluloid gathers together a cast of assholes, jerks and idiots and follows them as they find love and hijinks on… wait for it, New Year’s Eve. It’s basically an all-star version of romantic comedy hell, with Sarah Jessica Parker, Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl around to torture everyone. Poor Robert De Niro even swings by to cash another depressing check. I can’t talk about this anymore, it’s too awful.
22 ‘My Best Friend’s Girl’
Dane Cook falls in love with his best friend Jason Biggs’ girl, only it turns out she’s not really his girl but some poor lady he’s basically stalking. Look, the story itself is obnoxious enough, but when you consider that Dane Cook and Jason “piefucker” Biggs play two of the three leads, you’ve raised obnoxious to the power of infinity.
21 ‘Over Her Dead Body’
Eva Longoria plays a ghost who comes back to sabotage her old boyfriend’s relationship. Just read that again.
20 ‘The Beautician and the Beast’
A New York City beautician gets mistaken as a teacher by an Eastern European dictator, who then hires her to teach his kids science, and also his heart about love. Yeah. As bad as that sounds, it gets even worse when you consider that the beautician is played by Fran Drescher, who spends the movie screeching about like a dying seagull.
19 ‘On the Line’
This was a sad attempt to cash in on ‘N Sync’s popularity back when that was still a thing. Naturally, instead of getting Justin Timberlake or even JC Chasez to star, they got Lance Bass, aka the gay one who looks like he has Down’s Syndrome, to star as the romantic lead, and Joey Fatone, AKA the fat one, to play his obnoxious friend. I’m convinced this is where the ‘90s unofficially ended.
18 ‘What Women Want’
Look, anytime you call a movie What Women Want, you’re headed down the obnoxious douchebag highway. Add in Mel Gibson channeling his inner Sugar-Tits, and you have a recipe for a movie that should have never, ever been made. Naturally, it was a box office smash. No wonder Mel thought he could just say whatever the hell he wanted. You enabled him, America.
17 ’27 Dresses’
Katherine Heigl plays some poor lady who’s always a bridesmaid but never the bride, which… Jesus Christ, someone just marry her already. As far as clichés go, perhaps nothing is more obnoxious than the one about women obsessed with getting married, so, uh, congrats?
16 ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’
The premise of this delightful little romp is apparently that everyone everywhere is awful and a complete idiot, and we should all sterilize ourselves because those poor babies don’t stand a chance. This is another adaptation of a self-help book, and the sooner that particular trend dies, the better.
15 ‘Made of Honor’
Patrick Dempsey plays a dude whose best friend is getting married, which makes him realize he’s in love with her. Naturally, she asks him to be her maid of honor because that’s not weird at all, and he proceeds to act like a gigantic ass for the entire movie, before she finally figures out that he’s the one after all, but not until after having to have it spelled out for her in excruciating and obnoxious detail.
14 ‘Think Like a Man’
It’s called Think Like a Man, which pretty much guarantees that it will be obnoxious, and it is. Look, anytime you have a movie centered around gender feuding based on a goddamn Steve Harvey book, you’re headed down a dark and terrible road.
13 ‘The Family Stone’
A seemingly idyllic family gathers for the holidays, only things go bad when one of the dudes brings home his beloved girlfriend, and soon his brother falls in love with her too because she’s so irresistible. That girlfriend? Sarah Jessica Parker. Come on, man. Also, the movie gets maudlin as hell, Diane Keaton plays maybe the most annoying mother ever, and the family itself is the sort of family people move 2,000 miles away from as soon as they become adults.
12 ‘The Ugly Truth’
Katherine Heigl plays a high-strung producer who gets involved in hijinks – what else? – with Gerard Butler, who plays your stereotypical chauvinist asshole. Basically, it’s Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler just playing themselves for the one billionth time, and the ugliest truth of all is that you’ll just spend the whole movie hoping that they’re both hit by a bus.
11 ‘Did You Hear About the Morgans?’
Hugh Grant pairs up with Sarah Jessica Parker in a ridiculous tale of an estranged New York couple who witnesses a murder and then gets sent to live in Wyoming as part of the Witness Protection Program. Yeah. Look, unlike most people, I don’t think Hugh Grant is the devil. I actually like him in a completely inexplicable and indefensible way, but you can just see here that even he thinks he’s a joke now. And I don’t mean to keep bagging on Sarah Jessica Parker, but come on, a man can only take so much.
10 ‘Politics of Love’
An idealistic young Obama campaign worker falls for her Republican counterpart, and I’m pretty sure you can write the rest of the movie for yourself. I mean, how shameless do you have to be to actually make your film’s tagline “Can the politics of love conquer all?” On the bright side, hating this movie is maybe the one thing that can finally unify us as a people.
9 ‘Because I Said So’
Okay, I lied earlier when I said Diane Keaton played the most annoying mother in the world in The Family Stone. That’s because she actually plays an even more annoying mother here. Seriously, it’s incredible. You’ll just spend the whole movie inventing new and terrible ways for her character to die in your imagination.
8 ‘Bewitched’
There was no reason to make this movie. None. And Will Ferrell of all people should have known better, but here he is, acting the fool opposite an annoying Nicole Kidman. Look, this movie is so obnoxiously soul-sucking that I can’t even find an entertaining way to mock it.
7 ‘Monster in Law’
Oh great, a whole movie about the whole horrible mother-in-law cliché. Just what I always wanted! But hey, at least they didn’t get especially cruel and cast someone like Jane Fonda as the mother-in-law or Jennifer Lopez as the daughter-in-law, and… oh, I see.
6 ‘Phat Girlz’
The premise of Phat Girlz is simple: a couple of dudes are chubby chasers and… that’s the movie. Oh wait, I forgot about the part where everyone is a hideously offensive stereotype, so, uh, at least it has that going for it.
5 ‘License to Wed’
Robin Williams plays a priest who spends the entire movie terrorizing a young couple in order to test the strength of their relationship. If “obnoxious” could take human form, it would look exactly like Robin Williams in this movie. I’m pretty sure that they’re not even allowed to show this movie to Guantanamo inmates. It’s too cruel.
4 ‘From Justin to Kelly’
A lazy attempt to capitalize on the initial success of American Idol, this is about two idiots singin’ their way through spring break. The cast is made up of Idol rejects, and when Kelly Clarkson is the one carrying your movie, you know you’re in deep, deep trouble. But hey, at least you get to see her make out with Sideshow Bob. Or Justin Guarini as it says on his driver’s license.
3 ‘Gigli’
This movie is so horrible – and so horribly obnoxious – that it basically ruined the careers of everyone involved. Jennifer Lopez has never been the same since, and Ben Affleck had to totally reinvent himself in order to stay relevant. Seriously, you get the sense that he looks at this movie like a drunk looks at rock bottom. It’s a cautionary tale.
2 ‘Norbit’
I would call this Eddie Murphy’s rock bottom, but every time that dude hits rock bottom, he just grabs a shovel and keeps on digging. Still, it’s hard to find a movie as obnoxious as Norbit, which is so bad that a lot of people don’t even realize it’s supposed to be a romantic comedy. They’re so horrified by Eddie romping around in a fat-suit and doing shit that would have made Amos and Andy ashamed that it’s impossible to focus on anything else.
1 ‘The Hottie & the Nottie’
A dude moves to L.A. and starts chasing the girl of his dreams, only her ugly-ass best friend keeps hanging around to ruin things, and blah blah blah, the plot itself isn’t even important. What’s so thoroughly obnoxious about this is that it’s basically a Paris Hilton vanity project, and she gets to be the hottie, while the chick who played Al in Step by Step, AKA the girl we were all in love with back in the day, gets to play the, uh, nottie. Of course, they stick her in ridiculous makeup, but still… come on. This is the absolute bottom of the barrel, and if you get stuck watching this on Valentine’s Day – or any other day – congratulations, you just entered a wormhole into hell.