We all remember Pokémon fever in the 90’s. Whether you traded the cards, played the Gameboy game, watched the TV show, collected the toys, or yelled at your sibling for being a Pokémon nerd, it touched your life in one way or another. For anyone who participated in the Pokémon craze, the rise and fall literally happened overnight. One day it was like "I gotta catch ‘em all!" and then the very next day it was like "I don’t need any of them at all." This sudden shift in attitude left all the Pokémon unemployed and scouring the job market for work. After tons of sketchy meetings and plenty of coffee, I found out what some of the actual real live Pokémon are up to.
With a strong background in botany, Ivysaur found himself teaching classes at a community college in El Paso, Texas. During his time as a professor, a doctorate student chose to write his thesis about Ivysaur; the only half plant/half dinosaur on the planet. During the research, he found that Ivysaur produced a chemical 1000 x more potent than THC. Instead of continuing his study, he tranquilized Ivysaur and sold his body to a Mexican Cartel for an undisclosed price. The whereabouts and status of Ivysaur is unknown. But the weed from Mexico has been significantly better.
The end of Pokémon was harsh for Pikachu being that he was basically the face of the whole thing. After falling off the map for a while in a spell of depression and alcoholism, Pikachu realized that he had something to offer the world and that he couldn’t live his life not being famous. He decided to dedicate his body to science. The power of his electricity is currently being used to develop a sustainable energy source that could run the world with no negative consequences. Once complete, Pikachu is confident that he will once again be famous, and that people around the world will dust off and display their old plush Pikachu dolls.
With no formal education, no real home and only a little bit of money saved, Charizard had no choice but to invest in his future. He chose to attend ITT Tech where he learned how to weld. He now makes a 6-figure income welding deep-sea oil pipelines.
Remember the BP oil spill? Charizard fixed that.
After failing out of college from smoking too much weed, Snorlax spent 2 years living at his parent’s house. He mostly smoked weed and slept. This greatly angered his father, who insisted that he get a job or move out. Snorlax chose the latter and is now homeless, addicted to heroin and living on the streets of Indonesia.
Being a Pokémon was never Squirtle’s dream. He always wanted to be a firefighter. When the Pokémon battles ended, Squirtle finally got to pursue his true dream. As soon as he finished fire academy, he was the most pursued firefighter in the world (being that he didn’t even need a hose or a water source). He chose to work in California to battle the frequent forest fires that the hot, dry climate creates.
With a very strong background in psychic abilities, a now chubby, run-down Mewtwo runs a psychic hotline in the basement of his parent’s house. For 99¢ a minute you can hear him tell you everything you would want to hear a psychic tell you. He mostly hangs out in his underwear, playing online poker and doing lines of coke off his desk in between the few phone calls he gets.
During his fighting days, Machamp was juicing really hard. After people became disinterested in Pokémon, Machamp took his steroid use to the next level so he could compete in bodybuilding competitions around the world. After a few successful competitions his career was ended after his liver failed from not using milk thistle while on cycle. He had a successful liver transplant but was advised by doctors to stop bodybuilding altogether. He now coaches little league baseball in Kansas and has really bad moobs.
Jigglypuff is now a stripper in Titusville, Florida.
Aristotle is a Los Angeles based comedian who thinks that Michael Vick would’ve made an EXCELLENT Pokémon trainer. You can follow him on Twitter and Vine @STOTLE.