(Ed: This deals with the show only. No book spoilers.)
What we do know is Khaleesi and the presence of her boobs will be sticking around for a while, which is also on the top reasons everyone should be watching Game of Thrones in the first place. [Side Note: This is the first and definitely not the last time I will be mentioning Khaleesi and her boobs. I’m not a desperate creep, I’m only human.] The list of pros can go on and on but unfortunately Sunday night is approaching us like another asteroid about to hit Russia and this time we all want to be there to see it live on our TV screens. So…
Here are 10 things we want to happen on Season 3 of Game of Thrones (and hopefully they all come true):
1. The “N” For Nudity Before Every Episode
So this isn’t something that actually happens on the show. BUT it does hype up every person who has a penis before the show even begins, which is very important considering we’re about to see an abundance of blood and death (which was never a bad thing, because GOT is one of the best shows ever created). HBO did a decent job with The Sopranos, Entourage and Hung when it came to flashing some boobies our way — leaving millions of guys with smiles from ear to ear. Game of Thrones is like that, times ten. I have one thing to say to you HBO: Thank you.
2. Ser Jorah Mormont Finally Making A Move On Khaleesi
I had no clue what this guy's name was until I Googled it. I usually call him Khaleesi’s guard or something similar because all he does is guard her beautiful ass. I wish that was my job, and if it was I would have made a move by now, because come ON, bro. It’s obvious he wants her, who wouldn’t? But standing around and acting so serious and constantly offering to help her with her dragons and those special days in the middle of each month is not going to make anyone happy or get him laid. We understand that her pretty cool, yet crazy, husband, Khal Drogo, was in the picture most of the first season so it was probably hard for him to make a move on her, but he’s dead and she’s over it. Khaleesi needs some loving and we’re assuming you’re the guy to do it.
Man up and don’t let us down, this is your season!
3. The Lannisters Stop Having Sex With Each Other
Enough is enough. I have no clue what was cool in medieval times but I’m pretty sure having sex with your siblings, cousins or anyone that has blonde hair or coincidentally the same last name as you was not high on the list. Of course I’m directly referring to that blonde hair fat-bottom-chick, Cersei Lannister. The weird part about this whole situation (and I know I’m not the only one who thinks this) is that Cersei is a MILF, not just any MILF but King Joffrey’s mother, which makes you want to have sex with her even more just because EVERYONE loves to hate this kid. But that’s neither here nor there, and as much as we love seeing her get down and dirty, the fact that she’s bangin’ (she indeed bangs them) her family members is the reason I’ve never asked my dad to watch Game of Thrones with me.
4.King Joffrey Gets A Sword Shoved Up His Ass
Since I mentioned him above this just seemed like the appropriate time to bring this up. I have to give Jack Gleeson a virtual handshake for playing the role of Joffrey Baratheon in the first place. Good acting, guy, I just hope your real-life personality is completely opposite to the one you play on TV. For some reason I’m questioning this. First off, let’s list ten reasons why everyone hates King Joffrey (in no particular order):
He is not a true Baratheon.
He sentenced Ned Stark to death.
He didn’t defend Kings Landing when it was being attacked.
He’s an overall fairy.
He got bitched slapped by his midget uncle and he didn’t do anything about it.
He beat up some nice hookers.
He has no clue his mom is fucking his uncle, cousins, or future children.
He’s the only inbred baby in the history of inbreeding babies that didn’t end up physically deformed.
I had to IMDB Game of Thrones to make sure I spelled his stupid name correctly.
He butt chugs wine before he makes any of his awful decisions.
This easily could have been a top-100 list. Since he’s used to having things up his ass he won’t completely shut out the idea of having a sword shoved up there. In a perfect world this will be done by Arya Stark because she is already more of a man than Joffrey Baratheon will ever be. Boom!
5. Robb Stark Doesn't Divorce His Hot Wife
Robb Stark AKA the King of the North AKA the Bro of the North agreed to a deal with some other dude (not getting into specific names) which said, if he crossed the other dude's bridge to continue his battle/journey to Kings Landing, he would be forced to marry that other dude's daughter. He broke this rule and we honor him for this because the girl he wasn’t supposed to marry, but married anyway, is very hot and probably a lot hotter than that other dude's daughter.
That being said, we hope Robb Stark is not forced to divorce his wife. I’m relieved writing this because since he is also known as the Bro of the North, no one can really tell him what to do so it’s most likely not going to happen. But don’t hold me to that because this is Game of Thrones and with my luck they’ll sign the divorce papers within the first episode.
Did “divorce” even exist back then?
6. Tyrion Lannister Goes Back To His Hooker-Loving Binge-Drinking Days
Who knew that one of the coolest characters on Game of Thrones would be the guy Will Ferrell made fun of in Elf? Now that’s off my chest, during the second season it appears that Robb Stark was not the only one who found love. Tyrion was quick to fall in love with his go-to hooker, who stood by his side when he almost died defending Kings Landing like the little Bro he is. Like every female character already mentioned (minus Arya) this girl is also a hottie, but marrying her is something that no one wants to see happen. Tyrion is loved not only for being “God’s little gift” or because he is the only decent Lannister on the show, but rather because he revolved his life sleeping around and getting wasted. He’s always quick with a comeback, hence the reason this is my favorite quotes from Game of Thrones:
Shaggar: How would you like to die, Tyrion, son of Tywin?
Tyrion: In my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girl’s mouth around my cock.
7. John Snow Loses His V-Card
This seriously needs to happen. He swore an oath to the Wall’s guard in front of that tree and next to his fat friend who’s more willing to go out and dine in a pink taco stand. John Snow is too good of a character to still be a virgin. He had his chance with that girl he took captive last season but look what happened: He is now the captive of her mountain goat clan. This show is all about doing things the exact opposite of how things are supposed to happen, so why not let the kid get laid? Please?
8. Kahleesi’s Dragons Do Some Cool Dragon Shit
When I asked my friend what he'd like to see happen in season 3 of Game of Thrones this was his drunk/high response. It seemed too good to leave out, so here it is plain and simple, “For Kahleesi’s dragons to do some cool dragon shit.” The first preview left it open whether Khaleesi’s little dragon fuckers were finally going to grow up and become the newest most badass edition to the show. If you haven’t seen the other previews (what’s wrong with you?) [SPOILER ALERT] The answer: Yes apparently they do.
9. At Least One Lannister Dies
If all the Lannisters die, there wouldn’t be much of a show anymore, and who would want that to happen? We love to hate them for a reason and Game of Thrones wouldn’t be Game of Thrones unless there was the presence of bitches and assholes, which in this case is the entire Lannister family. Therefore, all we want is for just one Lannister to die. That’s not asking for much. And I’ve come to the conclusion that a Lannister dying is like winter coming; they talk about it every episode but it has yet to happen.
10. Everyone Drinks A Lot More Milk Of The Poppy