I’m not a Game of Thrones junkie, but I do highly enjoy watching the show, which begins its third season Sunday night on HBO. Like the millions of guys out there who watch this show, I’ve learned three very important things: You have no idea who to trust, what to expect or who will become your favorite character. You might still see them royally fucked thanks to a little bitch named King Joffrey. It’s just the beauty of the show. Shout out to Ned Stark. 2013, HBO, the whole Stark family and a lot more people than you think still miss you. RIP, bro.
(Ed: This deals with the show only. No book spoilers.)
What we do know is Khaleesi and the presence of her boobs will be sticking around for a while, which is also on the top reasons everyone should be watching Game of Thrones in the first place. [Side Note: This is the first and definitely not the last time I will be mentioning Khaleesi and her boobs. I’m not a desperate creep, I’m only human.] The list of pros can go on and on but unfortunately Sunday night is approaching us like another asteroid about to hit Russia and this time we all want to be there to see it live on our TV screens. So…
Here are 10 things we want to happen on Season 3 of Game of Thrones (and hopefully they all come true):
1. The “N” For Nudity Before Every Episode
So this isn’t something that actually happens on the show. BUT it does hype up every person who has a penis before the show even begins, which is very important considering we’re about to see an abundance of blood and death (which was never a bad thing, because GOT is one of the best shows ever created). HBO did a decent job with The Sopranos, Entourage and Hung when it came to flashing some boobies our way -- leaving millions of guys with smiles from ear to ear. Game of Thrones is like that, times ten. I have one thing to say to you HBO: Thank you.
2. Ser Jorah Mormont Finally Making A Move On Khaleesi
I had no clue what this guy's name was until I Googled it. I usually call him Khaleesi’s guard or something similar because all he does is guard her beautiful ass. I wish that was my job, and if it was I would have made a move by now, because come ON, bro. It’s obvious he wants her, who wouldn’t? But standing around and acting so serious and constantly offering to help her with her dragons and those special days in the middle of each month is not going to make anyone happy or get him laid. We understand that her pretty cool, yet crazy, husband, Khal Drogo, was in the picture most of the first season so it was probably hard for him to make a move on her, but he’s dead and she’s over it. Khaleesi needs some loving and we’re assuming you’re the guy to do it.
Man up and don’t let us down, this is your season!
3. The Lannisters Stop Having Sex With Each Other
Enough is enough. I have no clue what was cool in medieval times but I’m pretty sure having sex with your siblings, cousins or anyone that has blonde hair or coincidentally the same last name as you was not high on the list. Of course I’m directly referring to that blonde hair fat-bottom-chick, Cersei Lannister. The weird part about this whole situation (and I know I’m not the only one who thinks this) is that Cersei is a MILF, not just any MILF but King Joffrey’s mother, which makes you want to have sex with her even more just because EVERYONE loves to hate this kid. But that’s neither here nor there, and as much as we love seeing her get down and dirty, the fact that she’s bangin’ (she indeed bangs them) her family members is the reason I’ve never asked my dad to watch Game of Thrones with me.
4.King Joffrey Gets A Sword Shoved Up His Ass
Since I mentioned him above this just seemed like the appropriate time to bring this up. I have to give Jack Gleeson a virtual handshake for playing the role of Joffrey Baratheon in the first place. Good acting, guy, I just hope your real-life personality is completely opposite to the one you play on TV. For some reason I’m questioning this. First off, let’s list ten reasons why everyone hates King Joffrey (in no particular order):
He is not a true Baratheon.
He sentenced Ned Stark to death.
He didn’t defend Kings Landing when it was being attacked.
He’s an overall fairy.
He got bitched slapped by his midget uncle and he didn’t do anything about it.
He beat up some nice hookers.
He has no clue his mom is fucking his uncle, cousins, or future children.
He’s the only inbred baby in the history of inbreeding babies that didn’t end up physically deformed.
I had to IMDB Game of Thrones to make sure I spelled his stupid name correctly.
He butt chugs wine before he makes any of his awful decisions.
This easily could have been a top-100 list. Since he’s used to having things up his ass he won’t completely shut out the idea of having a sword shoved up there. In a perfect world this will be done by Arya Stark because she is already more of a man than Joffrey Baratheon will ever be. Boom!